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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DPs ex is ridiculous?

347 replies

DrMaxwell · 09/04/2023 14:53

So, DP and his ex have shared care of their 3 DC, a week at a time. During termtime they swap on a Friday with one parent dropping at school and the other collecting. The arrangement is to swap back around 3ish during holidays.

Last week the DC said that their mum had gone to her home country to visit her parents as they are unwell. Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business.

She emailed telling DP to drop the kids at a childminder at 3pm. He replied asking if she could confirm when she was returning to the country and he was happy to drop them home when she got back, but didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there. She wouldn't give any information and insisted he drop them off at 3pm. He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order. We didn't hear any more until 8pm when she messaged saying she was home and wanted the kids back.

I know this is a really petty issue but it's been irritating me all weekend.

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/04/2023 15:23

DothThouTwerk · 09/04/2023 15:20

Tbh I disagree that your partner was unreasonable. I guess technically yes she can arrange whatever childcare she likes on her time but if I already had my children with me and I knew their dad wasn't around it would seem stupid to go and drop them off with a childminder when they didn't need to. No doubt they'd have preferred to be with their dad until their mum got home anyway so why force them to a childminder just to what? Make a point? Doesn't seem in the children's best interests really to me.

That's you. The mum had organised a childminder on her time. That's her choice to make. The OP partner has absolutely no right to overrule what she does on her own time with the kids.

Facem81 · 09/04/2023 15:23

These poor children m
shunted around every Friday

Facem81 · 09/04/2023 15:24

DrMaxwell · 09/04/2023 15:08

The reason he didn't want to hand them over to a childminder is that she wouldn't confirm when she was back in the country. If she'd said she'd be back that day he would happily have dropped them off.

What a controlling knob your husband this.

DothThouTwerk · 09/04/2023 15:25

I would not feel comfortable leaving them if I didn’t know the plan and therefore they didn’t know the plan

Yeah but men aren't allowed to feel this way on here. You can guarantee none of the other posters would like it if it were their DC either. I can't picture dropping my children off at some random childminders not knowing when or by whom they were being collected when I was at home and perfectly able to look after them until their dad was back. Id probably refuse too, for the sheer pointlessness of it and the fact my children would much sooner prefer to just stay with me for a few extra hours.

DothThouTwerk · 09/04/2023 15:26

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/04/2023 15:23

That's you. The mum had organised a childminder on her time. That's her choice to make. The OP partner has absolutely no right to overrule what she does on her own time with the kids.

Show quote history

Well yes .. that's me. My opinion differs from yours. Kind of the point of this forum isn't it? We all give our opinions, sometimes they differ.

Ponoka7 · 09/04/2023 15:28

Is it a childminder that she uses at other times? Has the children's father been inflexible in the past? If she had have asked him to keep them until eight, what would his reaction have been? On the face of it she's tried to stick to the 50/50. Has he been petty in the past? These sorts of decisions don't come out of nowhere.

DothThouTwerk · 09/04/2023 15:29

Facem81 · 09/04/2023 15:24

What a controlling knob your husband this.

Show quote history

And what a game player his ex is, not just telling him when she'll be back in the country so he can be satisfied that his kids are ok.

I can just imagine the responses to the AIBU in a reversed situation.

My ex husband is out of the country, he's supposed to be having our children at 3pm today but isn't back, he's given me the address of a childminder and said to just leave them there but has refused to say when he'll actually be home, I've said I'll just keep the kids until he's home but he's said he'll ring the police AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

Course all the replies would be about what a twat the ex was being for no reason, withholding info pointlessly etc..

HalliwellManor · 09/04/2023 15:30

I think it could have all been avoided if the ex wasn't being an arse and just said to your DH she would be back that same day,around 8.
Why be purposely evasive?
Obviously he wouldn't want his kids staying overnight at a child minders if he could have them himself.
She doesn't have to give him every detail of her life obviously,but she could have just said to drop the kids off at 3,she will be picking them up when she gets back later that day.

DothThouTwerk · 09/04/2023 15:31

Why be purposely evasive?

Well exactly. But no obviously it's the dad being controlling to just want to know that his ex is actually back in the country and able to pick up their children if he drops them with some random childminder 😂 this place is crazy.

DothThouTwerk · 09/04/2023 15:32

And yet any time there is a thread on here about an ex wife wanting to meet dad's new girlfriend it's filled with posters saying how it's her right to know where/ when / who her children are with at all times. Hmm.

Tomkirkman · 09/04/2023 15:34

It’s really difficult to say who is being an arse.

Of course she could have just said she would be back. However, I don’t understand why he didn’t just trust she would be back or had arranged childcare if not. I don’t get why he needed to know her exact childcare arrangements.

If the Dp was leaving then with the Op, I wouldn’t exekct him to communicate exact plans with his ex. The care is in his time, so up to him to arrange childcare. Same for her.

Facem81 · 09/04/2023 15:38

I reckon she was purposefully evasive because she had sorted sufficient childcare for the children and that was all he needed to know.

OP, is he controlling of you?

Createausername1970 · 09/04/2023 15:39

I am in the minority here, but I wouldnt have been happy dropping them off either. There are communication issues which I wouldn't like either. Yes, it's completely up to mum where she goes in her own time, but from a parenting point of view, the kids should know how long they are going to be with a child minder - 2 hours or two days? If she won't say, that's not fair on them.

Facem81 · 09/04/2023 15:39

Perhaps she didn’t want him coming to her home at night and much preferred not seeing him hence the childminder

Original poster
DrMaxwell · 09/04/2023 15:51

In answer to some questions, we don't know if she uses the CM usually, DP wasn't aware of her before this occasion. DP is not in the slightest controlling of/with me.

Yes there is a long back story regarding arrangements for the DC, finances etc etc. She's shouted and sworn at both of us in front of the kids several times before now. She tried to get the kids GP and schools not to communicate with DP about them.

OP posts:
DothThouTwerk · 09/04/2023 15:57

Facem81 · 09/04/2023 15:39

Perhaps she didn’t want him coming to her home at night and much preferred not seeing him hence the childminder

And perhaps the children would have preferred to stay with their dad rather than at some random persons house for an unstated amount of time? Who cares though.

DothThouTwerk · 09/04/2023 15:58

I am in the minority here

You wouldn't be if the roles were reversed 😊

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 09/04/2023 16:06

Unless he has evidence of the childminder being an unsafe person for the kids, he is BU. What she does and who they are with on her time is her business, ditto on his. My DH was told this by a solicitor - we’ve got 50/50 shared care too and unless you have “first refusal” written into your agreement or court order you can’t complain who the other parent uses for childcare.

5128gap · 09/04/2023 16:14

It wouldn't irritate me, but if would make me curious. Why would a woman choose to pay for childcare rather than have a few extra hours free from the children's father? I wonder if she's worried your H would use it against her in some way, keeping a tally, accusing her of not doing her agreed time perhaps? I assume as arrangements are court ordered it wasn't exactly amicable, so perhaps she's being cautious and keeping to the letter of the order.

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/04/2023 16:14

DothThouTwerk · 09/04/2023 15:29

And what a game player his ex is, not just telling him when she'll be back in the country so he can be satisfied that his kids are ok.

I can just imagine the responses to the AIBU in a reversed situation.

My ex husband is out of the country, he's supposed to be having our children at 3pm today but isn't back, he's given me the address of a childminder and said to just leave them there but has refused to say when he'll actually be home, I've said I'll just keep the kids until he's home but he's said he'll ring the police AIBU to be uncomfortable with this?

Course all the replies would be about what a twat the ex was being for no reason, withholding info pointlessly etc..

Show quote history

This obviously as you say far more to this story - on the face of no back story it would simply be a case of yep I'll be back by 6
Great drop the kids off then . Or no they are going to grandparents for a couple of days -

However who knows if she is completely unreasonable threatening to phone the police but this is when co parenting is not working

BookishBabe · 09/04/2023 16:19

Do you think she just didn't want to see him or have him at her home?
The fact ALL collections and drop offs are at school so they don't have to see each other is probably working out okay. So she arranged the Child minder so she didn't have to see him.

LAMPS1 · 09/04/2023 16:20

Reasonable of the dad to offer to keep the DC with him rather than drop them off to a childminder…. so unnecessary if he was happily willing to keep them with him longer and surely better for the dc, I would have thought. It must be hard enough on them already having to swap homes every week.
Unreasonable of the mum not to answer the question of when she would be back and not to take him up on his offer. It all feels a bit thoughtless of her for the children ..from the info offered so far.
Parenting together kindly is better for the children surely.

Facem81 · 09/04/2023 16:23

* fact ALL collections and drop offs are at school so they don't have to see each other is probably working out okay. So she arranged the Child minder so she didn't have to see him.*

THIS!!!

The ex did NOT want this man at her house.

OP how old are the children and how long have you been with him?

TruffleShuffles · 09/04/2023 16:24

There is no way I would drop my child off with someone I didn’t know, regardless whether they were a childminder without knowing who by or when they were being picked up especially when I could be looking after then myself. Your DP was not unreasonable. This is one of those posts that would have completely opposite opinions if the roles were reversed.

TruffleShuffles · 09/04/2023 16:25

Facem81 · 09/04/2023 16:23

* fact ALL collections and drop offs are at school so they don't have to see each other is probably working out okay. So she arranged the Child minder so she didn't have to see him.*

THIS!!!

The ex did NOT want this man at her house.

OP how old are the children and how long have you been with him?

How do they swap during the holidays like the OP says they do then?

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