To think DPs ex is ridiculous?

[DrMaxwell]

So, DP and his ex have shared care of their 3 DC, a week at a time. During termtime they swap on a Friday with one parent dropping at school and the other collecting. The arrangement is to swap back around 3ish during holidays.

Last week the DC said that their mum had gone to her home country to visit her parents as they are unwell. Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business.

She emailed telling DP to drop the kids at a childminder at 3pm. He replied asking if she could confirm when she was returning to the country and he was happy to drop them home when she got back, but didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there. She wouldn't give any information and insisted he drop them off at 3pm. He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order. We didn't hear any more until 8pm when she messaged saying she was home and wanted the kids back.

I know this is a really petty issue but it's been irritating me all weekend.

Uh huh. By people who think mother's have more rights over their children than fathers. Wrong people.

This reminds me of me and my ex. I try and keep communication to a minimum. It's exhausting he'll repeatedly question me. I think he's trying to get a reaction from me. It's so stressful. If I left the country to see my sick parents I know how'd he react and he'd go and on and on at me about it. So I wouldn't want to tell him my whole plans.

If you haven't been in the situation you don't know it's impossible to coparent with controlling and unreasonable people. We have to parallel parent.

An ofsted registered DBS checked childminder is a completely appropriate person to leave children With. It's not the same as a stranger.

Exactly. Then dad being made out unreasonable when he had clearly arranged the appropriate childcare for a prearranged amount of time (because they would need to arrange a set timeframe with childminder) and all mum needed to do was drop them off. Mum didn't need to know anymore beyond drop them at 3pm and certainly didn't need to start changing plans because they didn't get the information which was none of their business.

And that's why we have court orders.

This really isn't a man bashing thread where people are saying the OPs dp is unreasonable just because he's a man. The replies are based on the situation and circumstances given in the op.

And what of her shouting and swearing in front of kids, trying to get doctors to withhold information from their other parent, despite them both having parental responsibility and a shared care order in place? Does that sound like reasonable behaviour? Imagine OP had said her partner did all that.

Anyways I've invested far too much time in this thread, ultimately I think it's a shame that the kids' parents appear to be incapable of behaving like adults with dependents and would rather point score.

Those are not acceptable behaviours from the mum, of course they're not. The responses about the childminder/refusing to drop off as planned if mum didn't confirm her plans still stand though as unreasonable behaviour from the dp, and as that was the OPs question, that's what the responses are based on.

Again she left the kids in his care and left the country. If she didn't trust him, would she not stay close in case of emergency?

How can she 'stay close' when her parent is ill in another country? She may not trust him at all but unfortunately the 50/50 care means she can't take her children with her. It may mean she cut her trip to see her parents short because she was scared ofvrhe repercussions from her ex if she didn't appear at the right moment. I mean, look what happened!

Oh yeah I didn't think of it like this! She was only 5 hours over time she was supposed to be having the dc and already had her ex asking when she'd be home/saying he was uncomfortable with the arranged childcare/breaking the order by keeping the dc.

Bat shit responses on here.

Oh god, we've actually decided she's the victim and he's the villain now 😆

Bloody hell, only 5 hours late 🤣 . I'm sure the dc were better off with a parent rather than a cm at that time of night

Only 5 hours late in the context of she'd had to go abroad to see unwell parents and had arranged childcare for her dc, not in the context of she left them waiting for 5 hours because she was shopping.

There is no indication she was late? She arranged for alternative childcare from the time her contact time starts until the time she would be home 5 jours later. Again, this is not good co-parenting but we don’t know why she feels she can’t flex on arrangements with her ex. It might be anxiety based on things that were said to her during the divorce that he doesn’t even remember or believe were significant. She might be terrified on losing more time with her kids while her ex thinks it’s totally reasonable for him to become the resident parent. There isn’t necessarily a villain here.

Bloody hell, only 5 hours late 🤣 . I'm sure the dc were better off with a parent rather than a cm at that time of night

How was she late? She had arranged childcare from the start of her time with the children. Presumably she can't afford to charter her own plane to arrive at the alloted time so took the nearest possible flight.

Or she could just be a totally selfish pita

She wasn't late. They have shared custody and she had arranged childcare for the children. He had an issue with the fact she wasn't willing to tell him the details of when she would be collecting the children from her childminder. She is completely within her right to do that.

Or she could just be a totally selfish pita

because she wanted to support a sick parent?

Because she tried to stop the school and gp sharing the children's information with their dad, that was your first clue

Second would be the screaming and swearing at op and the kids dad in front of the dc

Then you have the inability to communicate normal things like I'm out of the country as my mum is ill, drop them at the cms I'll be back to pick them up from there at 8

Then the ridiculous behaviour that was phoning the police

I would absolutely do this with my ex (not give him the details and arrange other childcare) as he would probably use my absence to either try to pay less maintenance or to argue for a higher percentage of time with the kids.

If your partner knew his ex was visiting sick parents and they are on reasonable terms, why didn't he offer from the start to have the dc as long as was needed to help out?

You can hardly blame her for making her own arrangements if he didn't.

Nah all that means he's unreasonable, controlling and probably abusive (surprised no one has made that accusation actually). Not that she could possibly be one of the very many mums who actively seek out drama and use the kids as weapons because she hates her ex.