To think DPs ex is ridiculous?

[DrMaxwell]

So, DP and his ex have shared care of their 3 DC, a week at a time. During termtime they swap on a Friday with one parent dropping at school and the other collecting. The arrangement is to swap back around 3ish during holidays.

Last week the DC said that their mum had gone to her home country to visit her parents as they are unwell. Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business.

She emailed telling DP to drop the kids at a childminder at 3pm. He replied asking if she could confirm when she was returning to the country and he was happy to drop them home when she got back, but didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there. She wouldn't give any information and insisted he drop them off at 3pm. He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order. We didn't hear any more until 8pm when she messaged saying she was home and wanted the kids back.

I know this is a really petty issue but it's been irritating me all weekend.

I wonder how the kid that told Dad Mum's gone away felt about the following shit storm that ensued? But hey let's not worry about how the kids feel there's points to be scored here!

Is it so hard to understand that following what was likely a tough time with a sick parent, a journey home, a desire to just give your kids a cuddle….what you need least in the world is to have to deal with your ex who asks questions and expects answers?

The more I think about this, the more it feels like there is a huge backstory which involves this woman just needing some space between herself and her ex. Even more so when there is family stuff going on which is emotionally tough to deal with. If the parent concerned is very I’ll, it is likely she is going to have to speak to her ex about arrangements over the coming weeks as she tries to juggle everything. Let’s hope he’s not the kind to try and use it against her to score parenting points, eh?

I can understand that posters definitely wouldn't be so understanding or generous with their reasonings if it were a dad insisting his children's mother drop them with a childminder she doesn't know when he was out of the country and refusing to say when he'll be back. Id be willing to bet my life quite honestly.

I imagine the responses wouldn't be 'you are a controlling twat OP and must have abused your ex husband if he's refusing to tell you when he'll be home'. Oh no. The responses I imagine would be along the lines of he's playing games with you by refusing to tell you when he'll be back, was he like this when you were together?' etc etc

One of those threads that I would be so interested to hear the ex’s version

Another thing no one would say if it were a mum posting.

Yep.

because on balance of probability, more men are shit with regard to co parenting post break up and not putting their children first than women.

We can argu the toss but we all know that more men are shit post break up and co parenting than women. That’s not to say all! My ex is my best friend and a brilliant father and co parent but…. Much more fathers than mothers are crap in these break up situations.

I'm not sure how people are extrapolating that he is controlling as he felt uncomfortable dropping his children off to an unknown person for an unknown amount of time. I agree whilst the other parent has their contact they can do what they please in regards to childcare (as long as they're safe and it's appropriate etc); but I think dropping them off somewhere unknown isn't the same. We have written into our agreement that our children can only be dropped off to specified people, works for both of us.

Because they never do face to face handovers. So she was in keeping with that.

and because he didn’t know where she was (or who she was with probably), he was a difficult bugger

Presumably if a court offer is in place, your DP pushed for set time. Presumably he wouldn't like it if the boot was on the other foot and she refused to leave DC with anyone other than ex (for example you). She made arrangements, he needs to trust her judgement as a coparent and go with it.

OP didn't say they never do handovers face to face. They said they swap back at 3pm during the holidays.

I’d wager that drop back involves absolutely no interaction between the parents whatever and likely a third party

the ex had been bombarded with message whilst away I reckon and she just couldn’t face him for more of it

She didn't need to tell him.when she would be back. She made arrangements for the children on her time.

I have just re-read the opening post - there is a lack of understanding (no understanding whatsoever) there of the issues the ex is facing in relation to distance and sick parents. No suggestion that any support had been offered knowing where she was. OP doesn't say that they emailed and said 'so sorry to hear about your parents, please let us know.if we can help. Happy to have the children as long as is necessary'. Rather, she mentions just exchanges related to practicalities and annoyance that that information wasn't relayed in the way she wanted.

The problem is the backstory and whether you like it or not, there are lots of us with experience of controlling, bloody-minded ex partners who make it hard to sensibly co-parent. The only solution in such a situation is to withdraw and to keep information exchange to a minimum as a means of self-protection. When my father died, my ex walked into what was still our house (he had moved out) and started an argument because I had taken his fucking graduation photo off the living room wall, screaming at me that his children had a right to see him all the time! You learn to protect yourself from this shit by keeping them at arm's length.

YABU

She wasn't going to be back in time for pick up so made sensible alternative arrangements.

It's none of your business what time she gets back. She had it sorted.

Otherwise you would have been on here moaning she had gon away and expected your DP to arrange additional childcare.

You owe her an apology.

And when we have the partner of the man starting a thread

who doesn’t clarify how long she’s been with him and presumably no children with him

for some reason …. My spidey senses start a tingling

In an ideal world, with co-parenting, something like this is a quick phone call or message when something comes up and all is usually well.
The relationship breakdown must have been properly shit for it to have reached court order stage.
The mother rightly made plans for the children to be cared for after 3pm knowing she might not be back in time instead of assuming her ex husband would have been available to keep hold of them.
I can just imagine the OP’s thread if her step children’s mother hadn’t made the childminder arrangement and just blithely assumed they would be free and they already had plans!

The problem is the backstory and whether you like it or not, there are lots of us with experience of controlling, bloody-minded ex partners who make it hard to sensibly co-parent

I am aware what it's like co parenting with an abusive ex. My husband ex was arrested for assaulting him, social services involvement too for punching him in front of the children and has been extremely difficult in the past.

It doesn't automatically mean this father is an abusive controlling twat for just asking for fairly basic information from his ex when he's the one being expected to leave his children somewhere. My husband's ex has been a huge twat in the past (much better now finally). Id think she were entirely reasonable to ask if she knew we were abroad, when we were coming home if we'd asked her to go and drop the children off somewhere she was unfamiliar with.

Why does she think her kids should be with a childminder over a parent who is willing and able to have them? That's bonkers.

Of course she can make whatever arrangements required in her time.

However I can see why your dp wanted confirmation. What if her transport was delayed or cancelled ? Also to tell the children what's happening. I assume dropping to the childminder in the holidays is unusual and all he can tell them is mum will.pick you up sometime.......

Why does she think her kids should be with a childminder over a parent who is willing and able to have them?

Because there's a backstory?

What's the backstory, what have I missed?

Seems entirely dysfunctional that the kids didn't even know their mum was out of the country.

The kids' dad*

We don’t know how old?

and knowing mum was out of the country might have worried them

there was no benefit to telling a young child that out the country

She was following the court order.

They knew, as far as I can tell. It was their job to communicate as much to their dad. I would not want to drop my child off with an unknown person for an unspecified amount of time either.

I know people on here will grasp at straws to make dad out to be unreasonable and mum a saint but I think she was wrong in this case.