To think DPs ex is ridiculous?

[DrMaxwell]

So, DP and his ex have shared care of their 3 DC, a week at a time. During termtime they swap on a Friday with one parent dropping at school and the other collecting. The arrangement is to swap back around 3ish during holidays.

Last week the DC said that their mum had gone to her home country to visit her parents as they are unwell. Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business.

She emailed telling DP to drop the kids at a childminder at 3pm. He replied asking if she could confirm when she was returning to the country and he was happy to drop them home when she got back, but didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there. She wouldn't give any information and insisted he drop them off at 3pm. He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order. We didn't hear any more until 8pm when she messaged saying she was home and wanted the kids back.

I know this is a really petty issue but it's been irritating me all weekend.

God what a sad situation. Poor kids stuck in this hostility. A simple “I won’t be back until 8pm can you have the kids until then, if not I’ll arrange a childminder” would have been so easy. Better for the children to stay a few extra hours with dad, dad gets to see the kids for a few extra hours and she doesn’t have to pay for care. Point scoring isn’t is? Sad sad sad.

Well as a few of you have pointed he probably felt he had no choice which doesn't mean he was happy about it. Perhaps the lack of communication made him feel even more uncomfortable. It would me.

The OP said he would have happily dropped them off. Are you calling her a liar?

Funny that. Somehow a person can only be deemed safe when the DH knows his ex's travel plans. 🙃

Yeah but she initially said he felt 'uncomfortable' not knowing how long they would be with childminder for. All he wanted was confirmation it wouldn't be all night. I think most of us would want to know that if child's other parent was being vague.

Why was he happy to drop them with a CM if he specifically heard the words "I will be back today" but uncomfortable if he didn't have that confirmation?

Unless the CM did overnight care (which is not common from any CM I have ever met or used) then by the ex asking him to drop the DC with the CM (rather than asking him to keep them an extra night) it could be reasonably inferred that she would be collecting them that day and therefore would be back in the country and she did not have to give any more information to her ex than "Drop the kids with the CM, I will pick them up".

I mean a few people have said they would want confirmation that our kids' parent would be back the same night to look after them. I don't think that means any of us particularly give a fuck what our exes get up to but I appreciate the goal is to convince OP otherwise.

Why was he happy to drop them with a CM if he specifically heard the words "I will be back today" but uncomfortable if he didn't have that confirmation?

Well, I personally would rather my child was with someone I know and trust than someone I don't.

"I will be back today" covers all time up until 23:59 so he still wouldn't know how long they'd be with the childminder unless he then asked further questions and wanted more information.

Which isn't a luxury you get when you're separated from your ex and your child is with their other parent - you can ask but you aren't guaranteed to get what you want.

Also for all we know the ex knows and trusts the CM more than she trusts OPs DP .... And the fact he went against their court order and refused to follow her instructions unless he got information about her personal business just goes to show she can't trust her Ex to return their children unless it's on his terms.

Ah whatever. I think it's fucking ridiculous that a parent is expected to never express any concerns or ask questions about stuff that directly affects their children when the other parent point blank refuses to communicate. It all sounds like they prefer drama and conflict and really, it's the kids who suffer.

I agree it is a sad situation and it's a shame parents can't just co parent well. But that's in an ideal world.

From my experience, once it's at the stage of strict court orders it's usually for a reason, more often than not because one parent keeps changing plans/is unreliable and has little regard for the other parents plans/arrangements and privacy with a strong undertone of control. So in order for one parent to gain boundaries and kerb the others control, the order is necessary, unfortunately. In this case I imagine the police call was to log the breach of the order, which might seem dramatic as a one off incident but could actually be part of a string of breaches that add up to something much bigger.

Again she left the kids in his care and left the country. If she didn't trust him, would she not stay close in case of emergency?

Well, I personally would rather my child was with someone I know and trust than someone I don't.

If you don't trust your ex to arrange people known and trustworthy to her/him to look after the children, then maybe you need to get that court order looked at. Otherwise, it's none of your business if you don't know the people your ex knows.

My ex proved he couldn't be trusted which is why he has no contact at all now? Do you think courts always actually give a shit? Lol.

It's unlikely the mother knows the OP, so her exes girlfriend, yet has put trust in her ex that who he has chosen to be around her dc is safe. It's part of life when you co-parent, you can't control who the other parent chooses to look after/be around your dc (within reason) so a level of trust has to exist.

🙄You're taking this very personally. This DH and his ex are not you and your ex. If DH doesn't trust his ex's judgement, then he could have taken that to court. But as it stands, they have an equal 50/50 split with strict times and arrangements, which the DH has decided to ignore because he thinks he has the right to. He is wrong.

Exactly. I wonder if the ex was allowed to vet the OP and decide is she is trustworthy enough to be around the children. And if she decided no, would it have been ok for her to stop the children staying with their father.

But say the dad had told the mum 'I'm away so please drop them off with partner' and the mum said 'well, I'm free, I can keep them until you're home' do you think he would be sensible to say 'sorry, it does make more sense for them to stay with you than my partner but the court order says handover has to be 3pm!'

No, I think in this situation, from the information the op has given about her dp, it sounds like it's best to stick to the court order then to blur boundaries. This isn't a 'because he's a man/she's the mum' issue, he sounds controlling which is why it's most likely the court order is there and why the mum is being rigid with it.

So you'd be saying exactly the same thing if OP's partner was a mum and not a dad asking when her ex would be back?

Yes a childminder is far safer to leave dc with than a random woman the father has chosen to be his girlfriend. And it's always the girlfriend/boyfriend getting irate over the co parenting situation of their dps ex (to say how unreasonable the ex is) when actually it has nothing to do with them in most cases!

Absolutely. It's not about it being the mum/dad role in the situation but the actions of the parent whether mum or dad.

But say the dad had told the mum 'I'm away so please drop them off with partner' and the mum said 'well, I'm free, I can keep them until you're home' do you think he would be sensible to say 'sorry, it does make more sense for them to stay with you than my partner but the court order says handover has to be 3pm!'

That's not what happened though. The ex didn't offer that as an option. Instead, it's:

Dad to mum: "I'm away so please drop them off with partner"
Mum to dad: "Well, I'm free, I can keep them until you're home"
Dad to mum: "No, it's ok, just drop them off with partner."
Mum to dad: "Why when will you be home?"
Dad to mum: "It doesn't matter. Just drop them off with partner."
Mum to dad: "I'd rather keep them with me."
Dad to mum: "I'd rather you just drop them off at 3pm as normal."
Mum to dad: "No. I'm keeping them here. You can let me know when you're back."

I think a woman would have been applauded for doing that tbh.