To think DPs ex is ridiculous?

[DrMaxwell]

So, DP and his ex have shared care of their 3 DC, a week at a time. During termtime they swap on a Friday with one parent dropping at school and the other collecting. The arrangement is to swap back around 3ish during holidays.

Last week the DC said that their mum had gone to her home country to visit her parents as they are unwell. Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business.

She emailed telling DP to drop the kids at a childminder at 3pm. He replied asking if she could confirm when she was returning to the country and he was happy to drop them home when she got back, but didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there. She wouldn't give any information and insisted he drop them off at 3pm. He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order. We didn't hear any more until 8pm when she messaged saying she was home and wanted the kids back.

I know this is a really petty issue but it's been irritating me all weekend.

I actually disagree with most people on this thread.

These children are also HIS children and he has PR for them. Had any of those children come to harm and she wasn’t contactable he would need to be available to give consent. He has EVERY right to know where his children are and who is looking after them.

m his ex was totally unreasonable and should have informed him. This is about co parenting.

if this was a father doing it to a mother a lot of you would feel differently.

well done for putting the children first

Yanbu Op. Obviously, the only reason that posters are criticising your dp is because he is the male in this situation. There are plenty of threads on mumsnet where the opposite advice is given when the genders are reversed.

It’s terrible co-parenting. Clearly. But that means she feels she cannot co-parent with her ex. Whether or not that’s a reasonable reaction to what’s gone on in the past or whether as OP is implying, she is being ridiculous, is somewhat irrelevant.
The goal is low-conflict co parenting. Parallel parenting even. Which means accepting she is in charge of her time and he is in charge of his time and she’s not willing to communicate outside of the absolute essentials.
So no, of course it’s horrible being told to drop the kids off with someone you don’t know, and not being able to tell them when she’ll be back. But she clearly doesn’t feel able to flex any arrangements with him so he has to suck it up and worry about the things he can control on his time, barring actual child neglect or abuse.
It’s not great for the kids, but constant conflict between mum and dad is worse.
And yes, it’s the same shit situation when the sexes are reversed. Mumsnet is mostly frequented by women who are likely to sympathize more with mum, but concretely, a mum in OPs partner’s place would have to accept the situation just the same.

There are plenty of threads on MN where the genders are reversed and the exact same thing is said.

"AIBU to not allow ex to introduce DD4 to his new girlfriend of 4 weeks?"
"Ex is going on a stag do and planning on leaving DS with a sitter. AIBU to not let him go?"
"Can I withhold contact when ex does xyz during his contact time?"

Every time people respond with "It sucks, but you have no right to tell him what he can and can't do during his contact time. You WBU to withhold contact."

What a waste of police time!

Surely the equivalent here would be if a mother had her children literally with her and then being asked to go and drop her kids off with someone she doesn't know because their dad is out of the country, on a stag do as per your example and him refusing to say when he'll be getting them.

If the mother was able to look after her children instead I can't imagine anyone calling her unreasonable for saying no I'm not doing that and I'll keep them.

If Dad himself had the children and left them with his partner / a baby sitter himself then fair enough but that isn't what is happening here.

OPs partner is being expected to drop off the children somewhere he doesn't know and his ex is refusing to give him any info about how long theyll be there for when he's able to just keep them.

Which means accepting she is in charge of her time and he is in charge of his time and she’s not willing to communicate outside of the absolute essentials.

And I'm sorry but this is just shitty for the kids. IMAGINE being at your home with your dad and just wanting to stay there but nope in the car kids, your mum's just text me the address of some childminder you've never met before who you're going to be spending god knows how long with until she gets home who knows when because after 3pm you're "hers" even though you could just stay here with me. Ugh it's just so astoundingly selfish I can't understand why posters think that's a normal thing to do.

Basically the mother taking them herself to childcare she's arranged so she can do whatever it is she is doing absolutely fair enough and not dad's business but I do think it changes if she's expecting dad to be the one to take the kids to whatever it is she's arranged.

I'm not having for a second that the responses would be YABU and controlling if a mother said 'my ex is abroad and he's just text me to say drop them off with his girlfriend/ babysitter I've never met and refused to tell me when he'll actually be back, I'm at home and can just keep the children which is what they'd prefer to do anyway, AIBU tell him to just come and get them when he's home?'

As if anyone would say YABU, go and drop your kids off wherever your ex demands at 3pm the dot or you're a controlling twat for wanting to know once you've dropped them off when your ex will be collecting them. No way would those be the replies if this were a woman, not a chance in hell.

Court order or not you don't just stop giving a shit what happens to your children at 3pm or whatever time the switch over is. If I'm dropping my children somewhere I want to be able to tell them how long to expect to be there as the parent leaving them there and I'd definitely feel uncomfortable doing that if I were just going back home anyway and could just keep them.

He's not refusing his ex time, she's not even there, she can get them from him as soon as she's back. The people who benefit are the children, getting to stay with their parent rather than in childcare for no reason. People seem to forget that's who it's actually supposed to be about.

Yes... you are being unreasonable to think that. To me, this smacks of her not wanting her ex to know anything about her life and her movements, collection only done at school so she doesn't have to see him... I've been there. She organised suitable childcare on her time, it's none of his business unless he felt the children were in danger. He was completely out of line. Was he going against a court ordered custody arrangement? If so, she's completely within her rights to involve the law. Not what you want to hear I'm sure, but, unfortunately in circumstances like this, he's was totally wrong.

Exactly this... not only is your point about MN responses to gender reversed roles totally correct... this is the law and he doesn't get to decide what she does with her children in her time... notwithstanding a fear for their safety obviously

You've worded this so well

Op says herself they don’t know if they do go there usually.

They haven’t asked the kids. So how do you know they haven’t met the childminder?

Childminders aren’t in the habit, in my experience, of taking kids on that they don’t know.

If the children aren’t actually going to be with the parent, then there really should be no obligation to send them. Some custody agreements even state this explicitly with right of first refusal.

I wouldn’t have been keen to drop my child with some random caregiver with an unknown end time either.

I agree, the ex could easily have told him when she was coming back, she could have been gone for days 🤷‍♀️

This barely changes my point at all. Even if they know the childminder, 99.9999999999% of children are going to much rather stay with their parent then a childminder I imagine.

Of course it changes the point. Your point was that the kids don’t know her, you don’t know that at all. How does that not change the point I was replying to?

Maybe the kids prefer it when their parents don’t see eachother. Maybe they would have been happy to go.

Just because you don’t understand why someone may not want to see their ex or understand why someone may not want their ex to know their plans, doesn’t mean her feelings aren’t valid. It’s clearly a really awful coparenting situation so I don’t think anyone can judge either way.

It also doesn’t change that you stated the kids don’t know the child minder as a fact, when it’s not.

Blimey, i can see why their marriage ended. He’s still trying ro control her and they’ve split. She was clearly coming back and the child minder wasn’t doing over night care. What did he want, just to pick a fight and be controlling again.?

What an utterly naive post

Okay I'll remove that one tiny part of the post...

in the car kids, your mum's just text me the address of a childminder who you're going to be spending god knows how long with until she gets home who knows when because after 3pm you're "hers" even though you could just stay here with me

I still think it's shitty for the kids and no it doesn't change the entire point of my post at all.

Everyone on here is making assumptions and being very generous about why the ex may be being evasive but the giving the dad shit for just wanting to know why/who and for how long he is dropping his children off for. I think that's laughably biased and hypocritical and wouldn't happen if roles were reversed imo. It's also my opinion that's it's unlikely the children would rather go to a childminder, known or not, then just spend extra time at home with their dad especially having no idea how long before.

She is expecting him, her child's father, to drop them off. I think that makes it his business personally. You don't have to agree but way to pick one tiny sentence out of my post and make it out as though that changes the whole thing. It doesn't 😂

This situation is fucked up.

My partner has been through an acrimonious divorce and I know some other people. My own parents were a lot more reasonable.

Both parents not the childminder, relative or baby sitter have PR.

The children should know the childminder and know when their mother is picking them up. They can then relay this to the father so he can drop them at the childminders in time for their mother to pick them up.

If the children do not know this then he should not drop them at the childminders.

However he needs to find a third party the kids know - likely the OP- to handover the kids somewhere neutral and public when the mother says she is around.

And the police aren't interested in parental disputes like this.

Her return trip could have been delayed for any reason.

Happens to my DP a lot now third parties aren't used to do handovers. Guess screwing with your teen DC is fine but not with adults....

Totally agree. The ex was being petty. Why not allow the dad more time with kids if she wasn’t there anyway?

She sounds controlling.

What a controlling and petty nob the mother is for not allowing the kids a few more hours with their dad.

You've never been in an abusive relationship and then had to deal with them when you split, have you?

You seem to have a very rosy picture of what co-parenting after a breakup is like. Even amicable ones do not involve agreeing childcare on the other parents time.

I can see how this might look if roles were reversed.

However. If she’s been away with sick parents it’s not unreasonable to assume she’s stressed and upset. If she has any history of control/unkindness from her ex, he is the last person she might want to see. So the childminder might have been a welcome buffer that one time.

It will be clear in the court order if leaving them with a third party is allowed or not, and I suspect it is. So your partner is being controlling and unfair to refuse to return the children to whoever their mother has organised to help.

Of course ideally she would share basic plans so your partner could tell the children. But the childminder would probably have been able to reassure them “mum will be back by 8pm and she can’t wait to see you. Her flight was delayed but she’s told me what you like for supper” etc.

I work with a lot of women who have been controlled and suffered emotional abuse. They would respond in the same way as your partners ex.

Please just have a think about what so many people are saying here. Imagine a hideously stressful and upsetting week and then the person you have the most difficulty with in the world putting pressure on you. Yes, the childrens mother would ideally have communicated but it’s clear that (for whatever reason) she didn’t feel able to.

Your partner could have taken the children at 3pm and asked the childminder if their mother was planning to be back that evening. He could have given her his details and said “if she’s delayed I’m happy to help and come back for them.”

I don’t know. We only have what you’ve said. But this rings horrible alarm bells for me.