To think DPs ex is ridiculous?

[DrMaxwell]

So, DP and his ex have shared care of their 3 DC, a week at a time. During termtime they swap on a Friday with one parent dropping at school and the other collecting. The arrangement is to swap back around 3ish during holidays.

Last week the DC said that their mum had gone to her home country to visit her parents as they are unwell. Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business.

She emailed telling DP to drop the kids at a childminder at 3pm. He replied asking if she could confirm when she was returning to the country and he was happy to drop them home when she got back, but didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there. She wouldn't give any information and insisted he drop them off at 3pm. He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order. We didn't hear any more until 8pm when she messaged saying she was home and wanted the kids back.

I know this is a really petty issue but it's been irritating me all weekend.

Yes and she might not have wanted him to know her whereabouts for some reason. We don't know any of their history.

So it sounds like a good thing, them being handed over to the childminder! Maybe she doesn't want to be put into a position where she looses her cool. She's really done nothing wrong here, only your husband for trying to control the situation

They’re his children. Anything pertaining to their welfare and care is the business of both parents.

I also agree he should be able to tell the kids what’s going on. Most children want to know how long they’ll be somewhere and who will collect them. You don’t just blindly drop them off.

Your partner hasn't got a right to veto a childminder that his ex uses.

His ex hasn't got a right to veto a childminder that your partner uses.(including if he uses you as childcare)

It was nice of him to offer to have the kids longer but he should have let it go after that. She may have arrived home at 8pm because his actions forced her to drive back early.

He's BU. She made the arrangements and now he's being difficult when she's also trying to deal with a sick parent in another country.

Who watches the kids during his week on? What are their ages? I'm assuming he works. Is it you?

The thing that stands out for me is that the ex was in another country looking after her sick parents.

So

Plenty of reason for not replying instantly. Maybe she was caring for them, doing final
farewells, phone on aeroplane mode, driving etc.

Quite likely an emotionally draining situation anyway. I know I'd want to hold my kids close when I got back.

We don't know how she was travelling but given she was abroad it was going to be air/ ferry/ train etc all of which can be subject to delays. This was covered by having a childminder in place so yes YABU imo.

I don’t think your DP is BU. I assume he only questioned her whereabouts due to the unusual circumstances and he does not do this regularly? Although it does seem odd that she called the police rather than letting him know she would be home in a few hours.. makes me wonder if there is more going on here.

I think some of these responses about ‘50/50’ are ridiculous. You don’t just leave your children with your ex and forget about them. There is a human aspect that needs to be taken into consideration.. it’s not a job share that you just clock in and out of. They are his children ffs.

If ex was in a hospital then understandable that she's not easily contactable.

When you say abroad do you mean she was in the UK but another country of the UK? If you say live in England and she was in Wales, that's very different to her being in say India.

Exactly. He wanted to know her business. Control. She sorted childcare. He wasnt being asked to do anything more.

Yeah its none of his business.

The mother hasnt done anything wrong and the dad isnt the RP.

They have shared care.

Neither is the mother then in that case.

Why be purposely evasive?

For many, possible reasons. For what it's worth my ex and I have an extremely acrimonious relationship and I operate on a strict, need-to-know basis. This is because early separation, he refused any kind of co-parenting stating everything and anything was 'none of your business'. My own attempts at openess and fairness were persistently used against me and the children withheld from me because life sometimes got in the way.

The hospitalisation and subsequent death of my father is an excellent example where a refusal to let me take the children with me and a promise to bring them to me ended up with me not seeing my very young children for nearly 5 weeks. Neither was I allowed to speak to them and then I later faced a court challenge that I had abandoned them and should no longer be allowed to see them. Sadly, lots of parents are capable of using their children to hurt the ex.

I would hazard a guess there is a background story. But even if there isn't trying to deal with a parent's illness, and in another country, when an ex challenges your every move, will be really hard. She probably just wanted to see her children without having to explain anything to anyone. Maybe recognise she's got a lot on and cut her some slack.

I wouldn't have dropped my children off at an unknown childminder's and with no knowledge of when my children's other parent would be home.
I disagree with posters who say this isn't his business or that it's coercive control (exaggeration much?). Each parent has, imo, a right to know who is looking after their kids and if the other parent is absent, how long for. I also think that if one parent is not able to have the kids, the other parent should be able to take over automatically because kids are better off with their dad rather than a CM, if dad is able to look after them.

The thing that gets me is posters are so quick to be generous about the reasons why the ex would be so seemingly pointlessly evasive as to when she was returning but the dad wanting to know when his kids would be picked up (something which I highly highly suspect people would agree was reasonable if it were a woman) is automatically a controlling twat, there must be a reason she doesn't want him at her house etc etc. Oh and obviously we've had the typical 'Dad isn't the RP' comment too even though they have 50:50 care. It's so biased and I'd bet my house that the comments would be entirely different if it were a mother wanting to know when her ex would be home from abroad before dropping her children off at a random address he's just sent to her then refused any further info.

Maybe by the same token of assumptions the mother here likes to play games with her ex and is being evasive just to be a bitch. Either way no idea how being taken to a childminder for an unknown (to them) amount of time instead of just staying with their dad for a bit longer in their home is in the children's best interests.

If DH hadn't had known she was out of the country, would he still have refused to drop them off at the childminder? It does sound a bit petty from your DH's side. You seem to think you should have been told his ex was leaving the country last week, and I'm guessing this pushback is your/his way of punishing her for not sharing her private business with you.

And I actually do think this situation is slightly different than if mum just had the kids and arranged a baby sitter for the evening or afternoon or whatever, she's obviously entitled to do that without the dads permission. But in this scenario she is asking her child's other parent to take them somewhere he doesn't know and leave them there with no idea what to tell them in terms of how long they'll be there when he could very easily just care for them himself. I do think that is quite different to mum taking her children to a childcare provider on her time herself and being able to tell them how long she'll be.

I just can't imagine a situation where my automatic response as a mother lto my ex saying 'im not there, I'm abroad, out at the pub, playing golf, at a hospital appointment or whatever else so drop them at some random childminder please' wouldn't be 'ill just keep them here until you're finished' if I were at home and able to.

It just seems utterly pointless to remove the children from their home for essentially no reason.

Because they have a court order that says switchover happens at 3pm during the holidays. He doesn't get a say in what she does during her time, just like she doesn't get a say in what he does during his. He can't veto her using paid childcare any more than she can veto the OP looking after them while their father goes abroad, to the pub, play golf, attend a hospital appointment etc.

Your partner was completely wrong. I can’t see how anyone would think he wasn’t.

Shock horror a new partner moaning about the mother of her partners children. Yawn.

I'd be uncomfortable dropping DS off at a childminder I'd never heard of before to be honest, sure if it was my exes contact time he can indeed provide care how he likes- but when I drop DS off its either to him, his family or at his school. Unless there's lots of additional back story I don't think it suggests he's controlling, sure legally it's tough shit for him.

This!

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable at all OP. I wouldn't drop my child off at an unknown childminder for an unknown amount of time if they could be at home with me.

Agree with the PPs saying that this would be a different reaction if it was the reverse and the dad out of the country.

It's a shame that there cannot be more flexibility around the school holiday timings if needed. Not sure on the legality of court orders but surely before arranging a childminder for the kids your DPs ex could have messaged and said any chance the kids could be with you a little longer on Friday. This would be in the best interest of the children you would think.