To think DPs ex is ridiculous?

[DrMaxwell]

So, DP and his ex have shared care of their 3 DC, a week at a time. During termtime they swap on a Friday with one parent dropping at school and the other collecting. The arrangement is to swap back around 3ish during holidays.

Last week the DC said that their mum had gone to her home country to visit her parents as they are unwell. Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business.

She emailed telling DP to drop the kids at a childminder at 3pm. He replied asking if she could confirm when she was returning to the country and he was happy to drop them home when she got back, but didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there. She wouldn't give any information and insisted he drop them off at 3pm. He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order. We didn't hear any more until 8pm when she messaged saying she was home and wanted the kids back.

I know this is a really petty issue but it's been irritating me all weekend.

A third party presumably as otherwise Op would have said so.

OP?

Sounds like your dp was trying to be awkward in a straight forward situation. Does he always give so much headspace to trivial matters involving his ex? Sounds very petty and unnecessary…

As u acknowledge it’s petty, I assume u are worried about DP controlling behaviour over his X.
sounds like his X had a lucky escape.

Sounds like an unhealthy expectation of control over his ex. How much control does he exert over your own actions?

I agree OP.

I’d want to know who’s care my children would be in if not the other parent. This wasn’t a typical day she was, as far as you knew, out of the country and I think your OH was completely justified in wanting more information in the circumstances.

I’m with the OP, speaking as a woman if my ex wanted me to drop off the kids to a random childminder that I did not know I wouldn’t do it.

How, as a mother could I drop my kids off at a strangers and just walk away. No thanks.

She might have planned for them to have a sleepover at a friends or something. Your DH is an arse.

That being the case she could have said. It’s completely unreasonable to be so evasive about who is caring for your children.

My thoughts exactly. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my DH arranging childcare without consulting me and we’re still married!

It depends what they decided when they split. My DH and his Ex had something in their agreement saying they had to let each other know if the kids were staying away from their houses but as the kids got older they just trust that the other knows what they are doing and won't allow the kids to go off with a randomer.

That's the deal when you split though, you have to trust the other parent knows what they are doing

There should be no issue being transparent about childcare and where they are.

What she does with her children during her time with them is her business. If she needs to use childcare during that time then that is her choice.

I have DC with a controlling ex partner, and he has spent years trying to control me through DC since we split by refusing to drop DC to anyone that isn't me at my home address. He has recently been told very sternly in court that my time with DC is exactly that, he has no right to decide what I or DC do during the time DC is with me.

I think on the face of it it’s unreasonable. The thought of not knowing where my kids are fills me with dread!

But wonder if there is a wider back story like in your situation. If care is 50:50 he must be a pretty decent dad? Or you’d have thought so.

He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order

Was there a court order? That in itself suggests this is a high conflict separation. For all we know the problem is dad controlling mum and wanting to know where she is all the time.

If this was a woman posting that her ex had left the country and wanted her to drop the kids at a stranger’s house the responses would be that if he couldn’t look after his own children then the OP should keep them with her.

In fact I’ve even seen threads where the mum hasn’t been happy to drop the kids with the ex’s new partner and the response has been that they’re his kids and if he’s not in a position to look after them, then she should keep them with her.

But this is MN, where all men are bastards, and all women are victims.

And IMO it’s irresponsible for either parent to leave the country without letting the other parent know that they’re at least not in the country. It’s obviously up to them if they go abroad, but you don’t stop being a parent just because the kids are with the ex. What happens if one of the kids was seriously hurt for instance or ill, and the parent had no idea the other parent wasn’t even in the country.

This is clearly an extremely acrimonious co-parenting situation. So you have to look at these situations differently than if you’re imagining a harmonious and flexible co-parenting relationship. And Op, you are terribly placed to understand this acrimonious relationship because you’re the new partner of one of the parents, so you’re understandably always going to side with your partner. She must have reasons for wanting to stick to the exact terms of the child arrangement order with no flex. She could be worried about losing contact time with her children, or about being called a terrible mother, or many other things. Whether or not she’s being unreasonable is not really something you’re well placed to see. She may be. But equally this may just be the best way she can handle dealing with her ex.
When things are this acrimonious then parents just have to accept that the other parent is in charge during their time and they get no say outside of something that would merit social service involvement. Which this would not.
Saying the kids need to know when mum will be back is missing the point. Probably the first thing the childminder would tell them when dad left would be what time mum was meant to be picking them up. She doesn’t want to discuss her movements with ex and give him space to criticize/otherwise upset her.

This!

I can honestly say that my DC's father is a great dad, he's just an absolutely disgusting, abusive controller to me. There has to be a back story to this. If people who co parent have a good relationship then she wouldn't have had any need to not tell him she was visiting her parents.

This. It’s the not being able to tell the children which is out of order. It’s not in their best interests and as their parent it would be really shit to have to say ‘I don’t know when your mum will be home or what country she’s in and it’s none of my business and it’s out of order for me to ask her so I’m just going to leave you here not knowing. Best of luck.’

If its court ordered contact then by 8pm what she does is up to her so your husband is unreasonable for arguing it and not dropping them off with the childminder. You have no right knowing her business, so she's done nothing wrong by not answering your husbands questions. YABU

Too many threads on here battering mums about dad's contact time and his right to do what he wants.. It works both ways. That was mums contact time, he was out of line to undermine that. Sorry op, your partner is the wrong one here.

Some of these responses are shocking 😮 Imagine the reverse AIBU. My ex husband is out of the country and suppose to be picking up our children at 3pm. He's called and insisted that I bring the children to an address that he says is a childminder because 'it's his time whether he sees them or not.' I've never met this childminder before. He's refusing to tell me when he'll be back to pick up the kids and it's possible that they would have to stay the night. The kids are confused and have asked to say with me. I told him that I'll keep the kids and drop them right back when he's home and he told me there he'll call the police unless I do exactly as he says.

Imagine the replies!

Of course your husband did the right thing and stood up for his children. I doubt that here is anyone here who would happily drop their children off at a childminder for multiple days or nights when they can take care of their children. Overnights with a childminder would normally only be for emergencies and of course a child should be a with a relative and especially a parent if possible.

I would have outright refused to drop my child off for potentially multiple days or nights with a childminder that I didn't know, when I was available. I would never do that to children. The message to kids is that they should be with random paid carers because the parent can't be bothered despite being available (from a child's perspective). Shocking parenting. The kids deserved better and it's good that your DH stood up for them.

The ex should also be very careful about threatening or calling the police. Courts will not look kindly on a parent misusing police resources or deliberating creating a toxic environment for children by sending police to their door when they are safe with a parent. That type of behaviour can lead to an adjustment to custody and an independent children's lawyer to represent the children properly in a custody hearing. The DH is not controlling here, far from it. The ex failed to put the children first and frightened the kids by calling (or threateninf to call the police).

But the fact its gone to family court suggests its not an amicable relationship. Not everyone has the luxury of this. therefore, communication isn't always an option.

She doesn't need to though. What goes on in her time has nothing to do with him