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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To smoke around newborn/baby/child?

215 replies

newmummie · 08/04/2023 09:08

Just want to know AIBU. I'm due me and dp first child in 3 months time, we are so so excited. Dp smokes (I don't, and never will) and when I say smokes, I mean around the clock. Since becoming pregnant I've made him very aware that he isn't allowed to smoke near me and I don't want to inhale any of it, he's agreed with this and does try his best to keep me away from it all. Although he does smoke when he's beside me in outdoors, this still makes me uncomfortable as it hits me up the face so I just walk infront of him until he's finished. I've recently told him that under no circumstances is anyone allowed to smoke near our child, he said he's not silly and he wouldn't do so but he can't help if someone in his family does. (All of his family smoke, none of mine do) This has made me quite uncomfortable, that he would say he can't help it if they decide to smoke around our child? I made it quite clear to him that if I ever see his family or anyone else light a cigarette near our baby/child I will simply get up and leave and ask them not to do it in future. He then said he won't let them smoke BESIDE baby but nothing wrong with a few distance away. But he's not asking them to go outside in their own house, which I understand. This has just made me very wary as they always talk about babysitting and how excited they are to have a new baby in the house. I just don't trust that when I'm not there they'll follow what I'm saying surrounding smoking near baby. They already have a child in the house and they've been smoking near her since newborn days, was never an issue to them. So I'm scared. Been talking more to DP about this past few days and it's causing countless arguments. He's agreed he won't smoke around baby however he CAN smoke when taking baby walks in the pram as it's outdoor in the fresh air. I still disagreed to this and said absolutely not. He's now very angry and said if he can't smoke he's not taking the baby on pram walks. AIBU? As you can tell I'm severely anxious around smoking around a newborn/child, I just don't want my child inhaling it. I've read to much negatives around it, although I am aware the chances of something happening to my baby is low but it's not a chance I want to take. I've also said to DH I'd rather my child not know that he smokes until he's much older, so to hide that he does it for the first few years, he's also said no to this. I just don't want to teach my child NO to smoking but he sees his dad and family do it all the time? What would be the point? Ranting at this point, sorry. Just frustrated. Should I be more easy on DP? Am I over reacting? Be kind, I'm really anxious around the whole thing. Thanks so much. xxx

OP posts:
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Original poster
newmummie · 08/04/2023 09:11

Sorry I said DH at one point, meant DP lol

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 08/04/2023 09:11

You’re not being unreasonable. He shouldn’t sleep in the same room as the baby either. A smoking parent is the biggest risk factor for SIDS too, even when not smoking he’ll be breathing the chemicals on to the baby. Look into 3rd hand smoke and tell him to stop being so selfish.

Crumbcatcher · 08/04/2023 09:13

You're not overreacting but I don't know what I'd do. It's such a big risk, surely he knows this?

SleekMamma · 08/04/2023 09:13

You are not overreacting. Your in laws will most probably smoke with your baby in the room.

HotPenguin · 08/04/2023 09:14

Yanbu and that's why many people give up when they have a baby. Ask your midwife for information. There used to be a lot of help available for new parents to stop smoking.

blockparty8 · 08/04/2023 09:15

You're not being unreasonable. Has he thought about switching to a vape? Not great either but the lesser of the two evils. Having a child is a good reason to quit. Get him a copy of Alan Carr easy way to quit smoking.

Mindymomo · 08/04/2023 09:16

You should agree to him smoking outside whilst being with baby, he’s already not smoking indoors. I wouldn’t want my baby with relatives indoors smoking, you can ask them if they wouldn’t mind smoking outdoors, but if they refuse, then it’s up to you whether you take baby round there.

Stripycatz · 08/04/2023 09:16

Jeez, he needs to give up. Even nicotine on his clothes is harmful to you and your baby. Speak to your midwife for support with this.

WestOfWestminster · 08/04/2023 09:17

I'd feel the same as you Op.

FlowersAndBonnets · 08/04/2023 09:17

I wouldn’t allow anyone who smoked at all to even hold my child let alone look after them. So that would discount your DP instantly.

I’m not really sure what you expected having a baby with a smoker though. They’re inherently selfish 🤷‍♀️

FlounderingFruitcake · 08/04/2023 09:18

It’s a SIDS risk. Not to mention just grim. I wouldn’t dream of bringing a baby into a house where people smoke indoors. They’d be welcome to see baby outside or at my house, and I’d be happy for them to hold them if they wash their hands first. DP has more contact with baby though so I’d see him as more of a risk. If he’s too selfish to quit then I’d expect smoking outside, afterwards he washes his hands and face, changes his top and he always sleeps in a separate room to you and baby.

LuvSmallDogs · 08/04/2023 09:19

Have either of you spoken to DH's family about smoking round the baby yet?

When I first had DS1, the only GP who still smoked immediately began to do it outside when baby was around, then wash his hands for a hold - as with my own mum, he had held his own babies with a fag in his mouth, but had picked up on new guidelines and social norms just fine.

AlwaysGinPlease · 08/04/2023 09:20

I wouldn't have a baby with a smoker.

iLovee · 08/04/2023 09:21

Definitely not iver reacting! I would not let anyone who had been smoking in the same room as my newborn! I say this as an ex-smoker! In the end my friends saw us for a smaller amount of time and they only smoked after.

I've only just relaxed a bit and my baby is 1 and a half, but this was because we were on holiday and everyone was smoking in restaurants etc (Romania) i still absolutely hate it!

IShouldGoToSleep · 08/04/2023 09:21

My mum smoked around her babies 'in the fresh air'... both my siblings developed severe asthma. Both still have asthma. Mum died of COPD and heart failure. Smoking is not a good thing for the baby or your husband.

sugarspices · 08/04/2023 09:22

Instead of telling his whole family when and where they can smoke, why not just remove your child from the area if one of them starts smoking? Don't go into any homes where they smoke indoors. Totally agree that ideally your partner would stop smoking, but you decided to have a baby with someone who smokes around the clock and clearly prioritises this addiction - if you want to remain together you might need to compromise by putting up with him smoking outdoors

LoveWillGetYouThere · 08/04/2023 09:22

I remember telling my parent that they wouldn't be allowed to smoke before they came to visit my poorly dc1 in the neonatal unit. They told me I was being unfair and totally over the top. I had to point out all the signs dotted about once they had arrived outside the unit.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 08/04/2023 09:23

Second hand smoke is awful but so is 3rd hand smoke.
The stuff that lingers on breath, clothes, skin and upholstery etc.

https://www.healthline.com/health/thirdhand-smoke#health-effects

Personally I wouldn’t bring a child into a home that anyone had smoked in. I wouldn’t let anyone who smokes hold a very new baby.

We have known about the risks of smoking for decades and it’s one thing to do it as an adult but it’s another to force it on a helpless child.

If he said he’d stop and didn’t I’d be moving out.

Thirdhand Smoke: Babies, Symptoms, SIDS, Effects, and More

You’ve likely heard of secondhand smoke, but thirdhand smoke is gaining attention for its health dangers, too. Here’s what you need to know.

https://www.healthline.com/health/thirdhand-smoke#health-effects

kitsuneghost · 08/04/2023 09:23

I am a smoker, does your DP smoke inside. If so that needs to stop. Also I wouldn't be taking baby to any indoor smoking house.
I think the walks are OK if it is a front facing pram.

The seeing him smoke, I get what you mean but they will see people smoke. Smoking parent doesn't mean the child will smoke.
Quite often the opposite.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 08/04/2023 09:23

OP, he is allowing smoke to waft in his pregnant wife’s face, and allows YOU to walk ahead so it doesn’t happen.

He doesn’t care about you and doesn’t care about your baby. It’s what happens with people who have addictions - they only care about their addiction.

Tell him he quits or you’re leaving. A child growing up going to nursery and school stinking of smoke is not fair. A child having to endure second hand smoke and risk cancer is not fair.

Newmum0322 · 08/04/2023 09:24

Unfortunately I don't think you can trust them to babysit. If they've done it recently then they believe it's perfectly fine and acceptable, and even if they tell you otherwise I personally wouldn't trust them.

As for your DP, he needs to quit. Its that black and white. He's now a role model and a father, he has to prioritise. For as long as he continues to smoke, please ensure that the baby is kept away from it completely, and as another poster said, make sure he showers before bed or sleeps separate from you and your baby. At least until the risk of SIDs is lower.

YANBU

Mariposista · 08/04/2023 09:25

And yet you chose to have a child with him…

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 08/04/2023 09:25

Smoking parent doesn't mean the child will smoke.
Quite often the opposite.
Im afraid you’re very, very wrong.

https://www.nationalhealthexecutive.com/articles/children-more-likely-to-smoke-if-their-parents-are-smokers