To smoke around newborn/baby/child?

[newmummie]

Just want to know AIBU. I'm due me and dp first child in 3 months time, we are so so excited. Dp smokes (I don't, and never will) and when I say smokes, I mean around the clock. Since becoming pregnant I've made him very aware that he isn't allowed to smoke near me and I don't want to inhale any of it, he's agreed with this and does try his best to keep me away from it all. Although he does smoke when he's beside me in outdoors, this still makes me uncomfortable as it hits me up the face so I just walk infront of him until he's finished. I've recently told him that under no circumstances is anyone allowed to smoke near our child, he said he's not silly and he wouldn't do so but he can't help if someone in his family does. (All of his family smoke, none of mine do) This has made me quite uncomfortable, that he would say he can't help it if they decide to smoke around our child? I made it quite clear to him that if I ever see his family or anyone else light a cigarette near our baby/child I will simply get up and leave and ask them not to do it in future. He then said he won't let them smoke BESIDE baby but nothing wrong with a few distance away. But he's not asking them to go outside in their own house, which I understand. This has just made me very wary as they always talk about babysitting and how excited they are to have a new baby in the house. I just don't trust that when I'm not there they'll follow what I'm saying surrounding smoking near baby. They already have a child in the house and they've been smoking near her since newborn days, was never an issue to them. So I'm scared. Been talking more to DP about this past few days and it's causing countless arguments. He's agreed he won't smoke around baby however he CAN smoke when taking baby walks in the pram as it's outdoor in the fresh air. I still disagreed to this and said absolutely not. He's now very angry and said if he can't smoke he's not taking the baby on pram walks. AIBU? As you can tell I'm severely anxious around smoking around a newborn/child, I just don't want my child inhaling it. I've read to much negatives around it, although I am aware the chances of something happening to my baby is low but it's not a chance I want to take. I've also said to DH I'd rather my child not know that he smokes until he's much older, so to hide that he does it for the first few years, he's also said no to this. I just don't want to teach my child NO to smoking but he sees his dad and family do it all the time? What would be the point? Ranting at this point, sorry. Just frustrated. Should I be more easy on DP? Am I over reacting? Be kind, I'm really anxious around the whole thing. Thanks so much. xxx

You also need to think about how this will affect your child growing up. I went to a kids party once. The parents started smoking in the garden. Everyone left early. Noone from a non smoking family is going to want their kid going round your house.

I'd never have had a child with a smoker, I despise everything about smoking. My parents were heavy smokers. Everything stank.
Don't take your baby to a smokers house. Even if they don't smoke when you're there, your baby will still come back stinking, apart from whatever they're being forced to breathe.
Also, out with the pram smoking, no to that. Ash blowing into the baby, and he'll just look like a scumbag frankly with his beautiful baby and a fag hanging out of his mouth.
Disgusting.

How can smoking be so important to some people that they would put their child at risk. It's just so grim.

I wouldn't take my child into a place in which people smoked. Smoking indoors is all kinds of disgusting and your baby deserves better then to be subjected to second hand smoke. You know you'll be able to smell smoke on your baby when you leave if you take them into your IL home?

his clothes and breathe will be loaded with toxins for the rest of the day after a cigarette. He shouldn't be anywhere near the baby, definitely shouldn't hold the baby, or sleep in the same room

Quite…

Leave now. Bin him. Make it clear why.
Push for less visiting rights, make smoking a big thing.
Be happy that even if he sees baby 2 days a week that 2 days of being exposed to 2nd/3rd hand smoke is better than 24/7 exposure to it.

This is a good point. We had a little boy round for a play date and his coat and bag had a very strong cigarette smell. We have declined all invitations for DD to go to his.

Your not being unreasonable at all personally I wouldn't be taking a baby into a house where they smoked inside.

For him if he refuses to give up or switch to vape then he needs some smoke free clothes to be changed into in the house to reduce risk.

Personally though I would be sending him the info and encouraging him to give up before baby arrives.
It's tough but plenty of support and options for him and it will also save a lot of money!

I think your partner is being selfish for not wanting to give up as soon as he found out you were pregnant. I would not allow him to smoke with your baby on walks outside. He needs to start prioritising yours and his baby's health.

You need to be firm about smoking relatives not babysitting at their house, wearing fresh clothes, washing hands etc. I think if they don't want to follow those rules then they have 2 options - give up smoking, or don't see your baby. Then it is their choice.

When my baby was born we were given a pack of babygrows from a friend whose partner smoked. When I got them out of the sealed bag they stank of smoke. I doubt he had even touched the packet and it was completely sealed and yet I could smell it. No way would I want my baby smelling of that.

Not a fucking chance would he be allowed to smoke while pushing my baby in a pram.
My husband was a smoker, not once during our 13 years together has he ever smoked in front of me. He always went outside with a coat on, would take it off and scrub his hands and brush his teeth and use mouthwash when he came back in.

He’s never ever smoked in front of the children, one of them saw him out the garden smoking and they came running over horrified that Daddy was in the garden smoking. It was the kick up the arse he needed and he finally gave up 15 months ago.

I have no respect for anyone who thinks it’s ok to smoke in front of or around a child.

This one is really hard - unfortunately you need to win your partner around or face the prospect of him taking your baby off to see him family without you, where they will definitely smoke around your baby. He sounds selfish about his smoking habit - blowing smoke into your face when outside is a really dick move.

So you need to get him onside if there's a chance of him siding with you over his family. Perhaps give up on your point that he can't smoke outside with the baby and he might support you in agreeing that you don't bring the baby to his family if they can't agree to smoke outside while you're there, or ideally you don't go to their house at all and they visit you.

Keeping your baby away from your partners family will be much easier if you entirely breastfeed, stops your partner from taking the baby to his family without you.

My mother smoked for most of my life, it's a disgusting habit, smokers know non-smokers think it is disgusting, so they can get very defensive, but encourage him to give up for your baby by sharing the facts about second and third hand smoke and sticking to your guns about his family not smoking in a room with the baby.

A few PPs have suggested giving him an ultimatum to stop smoking or you'll leave - this would be fine if a court would rule that you were being reasonable, but would a judge insist on supervised non-smoking contact only, or would your baby end up spending up to 50% of the time in a smokey atmosphere?

I know people who won't even date someone that's smokes for various reasons, you can't really complain if you chose to make a life with this guy who seems to not really get that smoking is harmful to anyone who is constantly inhaling it wether primary or secondary.

@Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic honestly I think I've seen it all on here now. Break up your family and push for less contact with the father because he smokes outside 🤯

You need to work out a plan for childcare arrangements now. Say to family they can come and visit baby at yours and smoke outside if they feel the need. But I wouldn’t have the baby in a smokers house at all.

Honestly, you need to ask DH what he would prefer everybody partake of a habit that’s killing them anyway & risk SIDS for your child, asthma etc or have a healthy baby.

As well as that, the costs of a child may make him reform his ways. How on earth could anyone justify spending £3650 a year (20 a day at £10) on cigarettes when they have a child to bring up. How could they deprive them of that money?!

Madness.

Sorry OP, if any help one of my parents was very anti-smoking and told family members on other side they wouldn’t be seeing or holding baby if they continued to smoke - they stopped.

Thanks everyone so much for the comments. I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable. DP really made me feel as if I was. For those who asked, I haven't (yet) discussed any of this to his family. For the reason being, DP told me not to, because the most they will do is smoke in a different room and then return to the room where baby is after. (I fully believe they will smoke in a different room when I'm present but for whatever reason if I'm not there, they would hold my baby with a cig in their mouth) it really hurts that I can't trust them around this. But I do believe DP in what he's saying about they will lack in effort, from what I see, they smoke in every room of the house, no windows open etc. house is mostly hotboxed. I really need to make a decision and I'm afraid it's going to be that my baby won't enter their front door. It's been on my mind for a long time but I thought I was being selfish. I said to dp could they visit us when they want to see baby? But he told me there's no way and they will expect to see us most days in their home to visit. I'm frustrated by it all. I now have to discuss with DP that simply he can't smoke with baby in pram and there's no way around it. I just feel like if I bring it up one more time and tell him that baby isn't entering his family home it's going to end not so good, in us breaking up. Which if they want to be so selfish and choose smoking over a newborn baby then do it? That's on them? Heads just over the place with it all at the moment and I need to make decisions. Thanks everyone💖

I was really hard in my stance on this. Neither myself or my DH smoked, so that made it easier. There was no smoking in my home, any smokers went well away from the home so it didn't come in the windows. I didn't visit homes of anyone who smoked indoors at all. If we were outdoors, they didn't smoke near me.

Once my father came in from outside smoking and smelled of smoke. He reached out to give the baby a cuddle. I'd have happily let him but not with that stench, so I just refused and told him why. He insisted it was fine, I said no. I wouldn't have wanted to be snuggled against those clothes myself, let alone my tiny baby. I told him, no, you chose smoking, so no baby.

@sugarspices it's absolutely paramount that the child's health, life and safety are centred. The boyfriend is actively (when the kid is born) putting his kid at risk of SIDS, asthma etc. Obviously. There's no justification for it.

so sorry you are in this situation. its horrible

YANBU.
But also agree with this. Did he smoke this heavily when you got together? His smoking has already negatively impacted you through secondhand smoke, children are affected far worse... It is so disprectful. He doesn't care about you, not truly.

quite right, his clothes and breath would have been toxic

Also, I thought it would be common sense to DP that he's not allowed to smoke anywhere near our baby, but clearly not. I'm so silly for assuming.

I agree completely. Smoking contributes to cot death. End of discussion with anyone planning to smoke around baby. I’m an ex smoker, over 18yrs quite now but I wouldnt have dreamed of smoking near a baby

I wouldn't take my baby to a house where people smoked regularly inside. Going to another room to smoke while you visit isn't a suitable solution either.

Need to ban smoking from the house.

He needs a smoking jacket to put on over his clothes when he goes out for a fag.

He needs to wash his hands and brush his teeth when he comes back in.

Same rule of guests.

Get him to ask GO for a prescription for chamois tablets. It is easy to stop smoking using them. No withdrawal.

sugarspices · Today 10:00
@Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistichonestly I think I've seen it all on here now. Break up your family and push for less contact with the father because he smokes outside 🤯”

Damn right. His fags are more important to him than his baby’s life. It’s not rocket science. OP gave up. He can too.