To smoke around newborn/baby/child?

[newmummie]

Just want to know AIBU. I'm due me and dp first child in 3 months time, we are so so excited. Dp smokes (I don't, and never will) and when I say smokes, I mean around the clock. Since becoming pregnant I've made him very aware that he isn't allowed to smoke near me and I don't want to inhale any of it, he's agreed with this and does try his best to keep me away from it all. Although he does smoke when he's beside me in outdoors, this still makes me uncomfortable as it hits me up the face so I just walk infront of him until he's finished. I've recently told him that under no circumstances is anyone allowed to smoke near our child, he said he's not silly and he wouldn't do so but he can't help if someone in his family does. (All of his family smoke, none of mine do) This has made me quite uncomfortable, that he would say he can't help it if they decide to smoke around our child? I made it quite clear to him that if I ever see his family or anyone else light a cigarette near our baby/child I will simply get up and leave and ask them not to do it in future. He then said he won't let them smoke BESIDE baby but nothing wrong with a few distance away. But he's not asking them to go outside in their own house, which I understand. This has just made me very wary as they always talk about babysitting and how excited they are to have a new baby in the house. I just don't trust that when I'm not there they'll follow what I'm saying surrounding smoking near baby. They already have a child in the house and they've been smoking near her since newborn days, was never an issue to them. So I'm scared. Been talking more to DP about this past few days and it's causing countless arguments. He's agreed he won't smoke around baby however he CAN smoke when taking baby walks in the pram as it's outdoor in the fresh air. I still disagreed to this and said absolutely not. He's now very angry and said if he can't smoke he's not taking the baby on pram walks. AIBU? As you can tell I'm severely anxious around smoking around a newborn/child, I just don't want my child inhaling it. I've read to much negatives around it, although I am aware the chances of something happening to my baby is low but it's not a chance I want to take. I've also said to DH I'd rather my child not know that he smokes until he's much older, so to hide that he does it for the first few years, he's also said no to this. I just don't want to teach my child NO to smoking but he sees his dad and family do it all the time? What would be the point? Ranting at this point, sorry. Just frustrated. Should I be more easy on DP? Am I over reacting? Be kind, I'm really anxious around the whole thing. Thanks so much. xxx

@KateFeather no I'm not a smoker but I was before I got pregnant - currently 32 weeks. My fiancé is still a smoker who has always smoked outside, although I am supporting him to quit, as was our agreement before conceiving. However, if he failed to quit for whatever reason, I wouldn't leave him and conspire to have him alienated from our child's life!

The NHS guidelines on SIDS state:

"do not share a bed with your baby if you or your partner smoke or take recreational drugs, have had 2 or more units of alcohol or have taken medicine that causes drowsiness"

There isn't anything on there to say you shouldn't share a bedroom with someone who has smoked. I wonder if PPs are so extreme about letting their partners (or indeed themselves) in the bedroom with the baby after they've had more than 2 units of alcohol 🙃

In terms of the other issues - I clearly said she shouldn't be taking the baby to homes where people are smoking inside. She has the choice the remove her child in any situation where someone starts smoking around her, as she should!

I was very glad when my mum gave up smoking ten years ago when I was pregnant with her first grandchild. Given all the sacrifices mums have to make when pregnant you’d think a good dad would stop. If fags are £10 a pack, that’s a lot that could be saved for nursery fees/school trips/first car etc. I’d only see his family at your home/ outside/in public places where they can’t smoke.

This. Sounds really hardline but it’s a serious addiction and you have no influence over it. It like having a kid with an alcoholic or a junky. My ex smoked and it was a major factor in us separating. He either couldn’t or wouldn’t prioritise our child’s health over his addiction and I totally lost respect for him.

I would actually leave tbh.

Hi OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy. While it’s important to try to enjoy this time as much as you can, you’re not being unreasonable regarding smoking. So don’t let your other half or his family make you feel like you’re being an overly anxious new mum. Hormones and sleep deprivation can make us wonder if we are being a bit much when family says so.

I find third-hand smoke particularly shocking and would also recommend showing your other half info about how dangerous smoking is for babies (even without a cigarette hanging out of their mouth!) so he can see where you’re coming from and be supportive on how you want to parent YOUR child.

Good luck with your lovely baby and having boundaries with your in-laws. It’s a good time to start being assertive as while they can be very supportive and wonderful to have on board, they can interfere and it’s harder to undo down the line. Eg Despite being a chronic people pleaser, I had to insist on time with my baby when born to establish breastfeeding.

I’m a smoker.

Am childless but we have pet rats.

I only smoke outside, have a coat that I always put on to stop smoke lingering on my inside clothes (or, if it’s too hot for a coat, I change my top) and wash my hands after every cigarette, so as to not expose my PET RATS to the effects of second hand smoke.

I wouldn’t take a child to the house of someone who regularly smoked indoors.

I’m working class too. My mother was benefit class. So I know first hand what these lowlifes are like and have no sympathy for them.

Your HV will come and see you just before you have the baby and smoking is one of the things they cover in that visit. They'll recommend that he changes his clothes and washes his hands before holding the baby after having a smoke. This is the same for any smokers. My DH vaped so he washed his hands and wore a big overcoat that he kept in the shed for vaping when she was a newborn. MIL was a smoker so we didn't even bring my daughter to her house until she stopped smoking indoors when my daughter was around 9 months.

He can't smoke outside around baby either, that's absolutely foul. Not to mention dangerous. Speak to your HVs and midwives. When my friend had a baby during covid (though not during lockdown) she was anxious about people wanting to hold baby and her partner was telling her she was being ridiculous and his mum and siblings should be able to call and hold her. She told her fears to the midwife and the midwife wrote a letter to show her DP advising that they cocoon themselves as a family for the first few weeks. This was just because the midwife could see that my friend was an anxious new mum and wanted to help keep her stresses as low as possible. You should ask for something similar, there are people who will help.

The bottom line is he smokes and so does his family, its an addiction you can't dictate to adults what they can and can't do however you can try to come up with a compromise such as only smoking outside

Do not listen to this op. Noone should smoke around your baby at all. Actually, your baby will be inhaling chemicals being held by him. So you could go all out refusing to allow smokers to hold the baby and be justified. I certainly would not be going to houses with smoking allowed inside, or allowing smoking anywhere near my baby.

My partner smoked when my eldest was a baby, but stopped very quickly after their birth.

Prior to her being born (or even conceived) he only smoked outdoors, and washed his hands after. When I was pregnant he changed clothes too, and brushed his teeth. He continued this after she was born, before very quickly quitting.

The midwife and health visitor were always completely aware and were non judgemental. They did offer support to quit too; but my partner quit himself.

Neither of my children have been in an enclosed space where someone smokes; they have never been exposed to second hand smoke from a family member, even outdoors, and they have not seen any family members smoke.

Its not possible, sadly, to completely shelter your child from smoke outdoors. Now that my daughter is 7 she comments on how horrible the smell is (which she also does with other types of smoke, evenBBQ)

Yanbu. It's disgusting and smelly, and it would be a good opportunity for your partner to give up.

We are trying to save a little each month for our kids so they have a nice amount for help to buy a house or something eventually. You mentioned the money saving potential and I wonder if that’d be a good incentive to quit. (Yes, I understand it’s an addiction before it’s pointed out it’s not that easy.) Even if you smoke 20 a week (approx only three, even two, cigs a day which seems quite low to me - I imagine most smoke a lot more…) at £16 a pack:

£16 x 4 weeks per month (ish) = £64 a month
£64 x 12 months = £768 a year
£768 x 25 years = £19,200 by the time your child is only 25 - which soon flies by!

Obvs double or triple that if they smoke double or triple 3 ciggies a day! I need to apply this to an expensive takeaway habit…

This too. We were in my friend's house once when her child came in from playing at a friend's house smelling of smoke. So that was the end of those playdates.

YANBU! If it were me , I wouldn't even let my DP hold the baby if he just walked in from a smoke. Massive SIDS risk!

I wouldn't make him sleep in a different room or change his clothes etc, but I would make him smoke outside and wash his hands or use anti bac on them. That's about it. It's up to you where your boundaries are. I wouldn't let baby go to a house where people would smoke indoors.

someone’s dh sleeping off a few pints in a bed away from the baby’s cot is in no way comparable to your fiancé - who will absolutely reek of secondhand smoke (if you think he doesn’t, you are used to it), on his hair and skin - being around your child as they sleep

I get you are supporting him stopping and understand that smoke is bad for a baby, but the two situations cannot be compared

the alcohol guidance is to stop an inebriated parent rolling on a baby. The smoking guidance refers to your child constantly being poisoned by secondhand smoke

smokers always stink, no matter how often they shower. That shit LINGERS. I say that as an ex smoker. I can’t believe what I was walking around like.

My gran and grandpa smoked like chimneys and babysat us when we were kids. I'm sure they smoked around us because it just wasn't seen as unusual. Their house always smelled and I'm sure we did when we left. My dad smoked in the house too, so we were always in a smoking environment.

Both my brother and I had asthma growing up, he still suffers it, I get chest infections constantly. I don't know if they're linked, but people I know who were brought up in smoke free environments tend not to have these issues.

I don't think I'd have a child with a smoker.

You also need to think about how this will affect your child growing up. I went to a kids party once. The parents started smoking in the garden. Everyone left early. Noone from a non smoking family is going to want their kid going round your house.

I don't smoke and I'm single, grew up in a no-smoke house... But I wouldn't make my kids leave a party early because the parents were smoking in the garden. Its outside. I would only leave if it were indoors.

Honestly OP? Adhering to smoking guidance is the bare minimum, one of the lowest bars for decent child rearing. If he and his family can't even comply with that, it's a safe bet that it's not the only way they will fall short in the card they offer your baby. It might sound OTT, but I'd be starting to question the wisdom of coparenting with someone who either lacks the intelligence to understand the importance of this, or lacks the care for his child to inconvenience himself. Its a very bad indicator of the type of parent he will be and I think you will become more anxious, and with good cause.

Oh dear, I’m sorry your partner seems to be behaving in such a selfish way. I can’t believe he would breathe smoke all over you and allow you to walk ahead of him rather than adjusting his behaviour even slightly to prevent harm to both you and your unborn baby.
I am not as hardline as some of the pps. My husband smokes, and we have an 18 month old. He doesn’t smoke in the house, never has, or the cars (whether DS is in them at the time or not!), he changes his clothes and washes his hands when he comes in before touching DS. He doesn’t smoke near DS and I at all even if we are outdoors, he takes himself away altogether. He used to wash his face and brush his teeth when he got home too when DS was very young but I said he needn’t continue with that quite a while ago now. We all slept in the same room (never co slept) between 0-8 months.
I think the issue for me with your partner is that he seems to unwilling to adjust his behaviour and recognise the risks that smoking poses to your child. That’s concerning to me.

smokers always stink, no matter how often they shower. That shit LINGERS. I say that as an ex smoker. I can’t believe what I was walking around like.

I probably have such a shit sense of smell. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke but I never notice it on people unless they are actively having a fag.

You shouldn't need to dictate. Their common sense should tell the, obvs they haven't got any.

Perfect time to give up.

It sounds a little extreme arguably but I agree about not settling down with a smoker. It’d be a dealbreaker for me too. Yep, I remember spending the night at grandparents who were the same (actually just the one of them!) and having a rattling, chesty cough the next day. Really disgusting. Also asthmatic since childhood… I get so irritated now when stuck behind a smoker when walking down a busy street and realising after getting a nice deep breath of their smoke. I was especially irritated when pregnant or had my baby in their carrier.

You are completely negating the 3rd hand smoke issue if you only concentrate on second hand smoke.

I promise you the NHS advice will change as the 3rd hand smoke research is ‘relatively’ new and takes a while to filter down into policy. (We’ve only just got over the ambulance service “it’s better to cut and tie the cord with blunt scissors and an old shoelace” even though we’ve had research for over a decade it’s best to leave it intact and wait for professional or at least clean equipment.)

Yes, we don’t sleep with baby if had lots of alcohol, wouldn’t sleep in same room unless baby was in cot. But alcohol as far as we know doesn’t poison baby from across the room - where as breathing out and emitting smoking particles does (there is research on this).
The biggest problem with alcohol is sleeping too heavily or rolling onto baby.

TBH we don’t drink that much anymore anyway - not worth the cost or hangover 🙃

Frankly I'm shocked he hasn't even tried to stop smoking because of the baby due. Shows where his priorities are.