To smoke around newborn/baby/child?

[newmummie]

Just want to know AIBU. I'm due me and dp first child in 3 months time, we are so so excited. Dp smokes (I don't, and never will) and when I say smokes, I mean around the clock. Since becoming pregnant I've made him very aware that he isn't allowed to smoke near me and I don't want to inhale any of it, he's agreed with this and does try his best to keep me away from it all. Although he does smoke when he's beside me in outdoors, this still makes me uncomfortable as it hits me up the face so I just walk infront of him until he's finished. I've recently told him that under no circumstances is anyone allowed to smoke near our child, he said he's not silly and he wouldn't do so but he can't help if someone in his family does. (All of his family smoke, none of mine do) This has made me quite uncomfortable, that he would say he can't help it if they decide to smoke around our child? I made it quite clear to him that if I ever see his family or anyone else light a cigarette near our baby/child I will simply get up and leave and ask them not to do it in future. He then said he won't let them smoke BESIDE baby but nothing wrong with a few distance away. But he's not asking them to go outside in their own house, which I understand. This has just made me very wary as they always talk about babysitting and how excited they are to have a new baby in the house. I just don't trust that when I'm not there they'll follow what I'm saying surrounding smoking near baby. They already have a child in the house and they've been smoking near her since newborn days, was never an issue to them. So I'm scared. Been talking more to DP about this past few days and it's causing countless arguments. He's agreed he won't smoke around baby however he CAN smoke when taking baby walks in the pram as it's outdoor in the fresh air. I still disagreed to this and said absolutely not. He's now very angry and said if he can't smoke he's not taking the baby on pram walks. AIBU? As you can tell I'm severely anxious around smoking around a newborn/child, I just don't want my child inhaling it. I've read to much negatives around it, although I am aware the chances of something happening to my baby is low but it's not a chance I want to take. I've also said to DH I'd rather my child not know that he smokes until he's much older, so to hide that he does it for the first few years, he's also said no to this. I just don't want to teach my child NO to smoking but he sees his dad and family do it all the time? What would be the point? Ranting at this point, sorry. Just frustrated. Should I be more easy on DP? Am I over reacting? Be kind, I'm really anxious around the whole thing. Thanks so much. xxx

It’s 2023, who still “smokes around the clock” other than total chavs? Not a great choice of baby daddy.

👍🏾

These threads always bring out the extremists.

Missing most of the main issues. Are you a smoker?
The fathers smoking is only part of the problem. He has a whole family of them and isn't willing or capable of making sure the baby is kept safely separate from them and their disgusting homes. They think they're going to be allowed to babysit and this man child can't or won't fix it.
Short of turning back time and not meeting this idiot, yes, HE could now be responsible for breaking up his family.

Right? Hardly the boyfriend of dreams. How much money is he burning, smoking round the clock? 🤢

YANBU OP

I take it the pregnancy with this utter twat was accidental?

This should be the happiest time of your life but thanks to him, you're full of stress and worry about it.

Even if he 'agrees' not to smoke near the baby, something tells me he won't be quite so careful when you're out of the house.

By out of the house I mean when he's got the baby alone and you're not there.

Absolutely 100% - smoking outside doesn’t make it safer.
You’d need to stay away from kids for a few hours and change clothes and shower for it to be safer.
Massive SIDS risk sleeping in same room as a smoker even if they smoke outside.

Yep my kid is more important than a dirty vice that’s proven for decades to be harming.

I wouldn’t even date someone who smoked. But I absolutely would do everything I could to protect a child from it - even if that included “splitting up a family”.

My question would be - why is the partner so selfish that with everything we know about the harms of smoking - why they would be happy to split their family up rather than just stop.

Eugh, your baby is going to stink of fags.

Not smoking near a baby has been a thing for at least 30 years: I remember my lovely MiL, a lifetime smoker, going outside for a smoke when DS30 was a baby. No one ever asked her to do that, it was common knowledge at the time so she did what was right by the baby.
You can tell DPs family that you won't be visiting with the baby while they smoke in the house. And you can tell DP that he can't smoke within a fixed distance of the pram, eg 2 metres. So if he wants to sulk and say he won't take the baby out if he can't smoke, you'll know what is most important to him.
But he needs to give up. It will wreck his health long term, makes him smell bad and costs money that could be put to better use. I'm surprised anyone can afford to smoke these days. I can send you the contact details of the hypnotherapist who helped me give up, she is in North London. It works if you are prepared to let it.

My parents both smoke indoors and it's disgusting. If I even pop in to drop something off my clothes absolutely STINK. My DN stays there with the 3-4 nights a week , always has, and the poor kid is 4yo and has had a constant hacking cough his entire life. His nursery attendance is terrible and he smells BAD. My babies ( ifI had any) would not be going into their house at all, ever.

I dont have friends who smoke, nor partners (now and in the past), I dont go into people's houses who smoke (apart from at work where I have no choice unfortunately)

But having said that, you cant have a child with someone who smokes heavily and expect them to change if they didnt expressly say they would, or choose to change.

Nicotine addicts perhaps? 🙄

MajorCarolDanvers · Today 10:11
These threads always bring out the extremists.”

That presumes there are two valid arguments. There aren’t.

Does he smoke in your house? (Sorry can't remember if you said or not) but either way you need to ban that and for visitors straight away. It's not 1983. He needs to educate himself.
My husbands family smoke, they are not allowed to smoke in our house and if they wanted to hold the baby then had to wash their hands and certainly not immediately afterwards. He needs to grow up. Stick some patches on him ;)

Ps is he smokes with the pram someone will prob report him to social services or at the least get some judgy comments - he needs to realise public will not accept this as ok.

Leaving is a stupid suggestion. The partner will get 50 50 custody and baby will probably end up exposed to even more smoke .

Yanbu at all.

My whole family smoked (I never have) and I made it clear from day one I wouldn't have anyone smoking in the house or anywhere near my child, and if they didn't agree that's fine but I wouldn't be visiting and they wouldn't be babysitting either.

Fortunately my parents agreed with it and from that moment they started smoking outside their house all the time, even when I wasn't visiting.

And this is why I'd never date a smoker tbh. It's a fundamental difference in personality that is irreconcilable. They choose cigarettes over you, or in this case a baby, every time.

But you're in the situation now and can't undo it. So keep having the conversations, keep being firm and clear in your wishes and expectations. But be careful about issuing ultimatums - they are pointless and make your position even weaker if you don't follow through.

Ultimately your baby is going to be damaged whatever you do. Stay with a smoker as adamant as him and they'll be exposed 24/7, leave and they'll be exposed 24/3.5. It's an awful choice, I'm so sorry.

OP I would take him to a midwife appointment and discuss it there. Treat it like a problem you are solving together. Ask the midwife what the safest options are for your baby. Let your DP decide for himself to stop or switch to vaping. It's going to be so much easier if you can get him on side. He's going to go through a huge change, up to now he's making decisions about himself - my body, my risk etc - but soon that's all going to change and he may well make the decision for himself to bin off smoking.

I cannot imagine having children with someone who has no intention of giving up smoking when they arrive (actually I can't imagine having children with a smoker). Where he does it is almost immaterial. I'm not usually an extremist in this type of situation but honestly OP he needs to make an effort to give up. This is the ideal opportunity - there is so much at stake.

So OP has to remain in a marriage where she is t respected?

There was a father at the park the other day. Our children were playing. Then the father pulls out a fag and starts smoking at the park!!! Never seen a parent smoke at the park before. I told my children it was time to leave, as I approached I realised the child reeked of fags. I actually felt guilty that I didn't realise earlier, and was worried about third hand smoke. Other parents left too when he started smoking.

He was a total chav. Tracksuit and Nike trainers and all. Yellow teeth.
I did wonder what an earth the mother sees in him, and assumed she was probably a smoker / alcoholic. Not being a snob here, I'm working class. He had a nicer car than us, probably better off financially. Must be to waste money like that anyway.

Seriously, who the fuck starts smoking at a park?! Around other people's kids?!
Nobody wants their child to play or be around with a child who stinks of fags. Don't let that be your child. Assuming you get to that point if you carry on as you are, because as others have pointed out, SIDS. You need an action plan, not just about his family but about him.

Well, I'm sure she'll be breastfeeding. So that won't happen for some time. And courts are starting to realise young children need a primary carer. 50 /50 is not in the best interests for young children.
Plus, to be honest, I'd place money on him loosing interest and being a dead beat father.

I wouldn’t let my children in a house where people smoked. Luckily my DH feels the same.

Ask your partner to look at the effects of second hand smoke.

Personally I think smoking near children should be illegal. It’s disgusting.