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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To smoke around newborn/baby/child?

215 replies

newmummie · 08/04/2023 09:08

Just want to know AIBU. I'm due me and dp first child in 3 months time, we are so so excited. Dp smokes (I don't, and never will) and when I say smokes, I mean around the clock. Since becoming pregnant I've made him very aware that he isn't allowed to smoke near me and I don't want to inhale any of it, he's agreed with this and does try his best to keep me away from it all. Although he does smoke when he's beside me in outdoors, this still makes me uncomfortable as it hits me up the face so I just walk infront of him until he's finished. I've recently told him that under no circumstances is anyone allowed to smoke near our child, he said he's not silly and he wouldn't do so but he can't help if someone in his family does. (All of his family smoke, none of mine do) This has made me quite uncomfortable, that he would say he can't help it if they decide to smoke around our child? I made it quite clear to him that if I ever see his family or anyone else light a cigarette near our baby/child I will simply get up and leave and ask them not to do it in future. He then said he won't let them smoke BESIDE baby but nothing wrong with a few distance away. But he's not asking them to go outside in their own house, which I understand. This has just made me very wary as they always talk about babysitting and how excited they are to have a new baby in the house. I just don't trust that when I'm not there they'll follow what I'm saying surrounding smoking near baby. They already have a child in the house and they've been smoking near her since newborn days, was never an issue to them. So I'm scared. Been talking more to DP about this past few days and it's causing countless arguments. He's agreed he won't smoke around baby however he CAN smoke when taking baby walks in the pram as it's outdoor in the fresh air. I still disagreed to this and said absolutely not. He's now very angry and said if he can't smoke he's not taking the baby on pram walks. AIBU? As you can tell I'm severely anxious around smoking around a newborn/child, I just don't want my child inhaling it. I've read to much negatives around it, although I am aware the chances of something happening to my baby is low but it's not a chance I want to take. I've also said to DH I'd rather my child not know that he smokes until he's much older, so to hide that he does it for the first few years, he's also said no to this. I just don't want to teach my child NO to smoking but he sees his dad and family do it all the time? What would be the point? Ranting at this point, sorry. Just frustrated. Should I be more easy on DP? Am I over reacting? Be kind, I'm really anxious around the whole thing. Thanks so much. xxx

OP posts:
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WhatDoIDoPls · 08/04/2023 09:27

I think you are being very reasonable, and when you see how perfect and vulnerable your new baby is I think you’ll feel even more strongly that you don’t want them exposed to smoke. It’s not nice as an adult to breathe in smoke let alone as a newborn. I struggle to stand up for myself but have found that with my baby I can stand up for them even if it isn’t going to go down well. If those relatives are like certain ones of mine, I don't trust mine to do things my way when I’m not there so they wouldn't be left alone with the baby.

Oysterbabe · 08/04/2023 09:29

You need to do whatever it takes to keep your baby safe. The inlaws absolutely would not be babysitting, I wouldn't be comfortable taking the baby into their house if they smoke in there. I wouldn't be happy with DH smoking in the presence of the baby at all, whether inside or out.
It's a very difficult situation and you are going to upset some people, but you have no choice.

Heronwatcher · 08/04/2023 09:30

No way are you being unreasonable. He should give up. I know it’s difficult but has he tried vapes etc? His attitude sounds really off, like he’s living in the 1970s. As for the relatives on no account should the baby be in their houses if they smoke all the time, obviously they can come to you but I’d be asking them to wash their hands and ideally wear fresh clothes otherwise they can push the baby in a pram outside. I know it sounds harsh but they’re not the ones who will be constantly worried about SIDS so better to be clear from the start.

If your DH thinks you’re being OTT raise it in front of every midwife etc you see when he’s there and see what they say.

Downtherabbitholeagainandagain · 08/04/2023 09:31

My in-laws smoked, never when we were there with the kids but we still came away from their house stinking of cigarettes. It clings to everything.

BCfan · 08/04/2023 09:31

YANBU, however you've put yourself and your partner in a very tricky position by having a child with him knowing how much he smokes and how ingrained it is in his family culture.

The issue around his family is easier - simply remove the baby from the situation the first time it happens and don't allow a second time. If they ask what the problem is just tell them factually , "I won't have smoke around the baby" and don't get involved in any discussion or negotiation about it.

The issue with the baby's father is going to be much harder. Especially outdoors. I think you're going to have accept your baby is partially at risk and just minimise where possible.

HappyMe6 · 08/04/2023 09:32

My husband smokes, I have never smoked none of our children do and none of my family do, all of his do. He never smoked in the house he’s on vapes now hoping to give up, I feel as strongly as you do about smoking op.

Lolapusht · 08/04/2023 09:33

My DH was still smoking when our DC were born and I absolutely hated the smell of it around my babies. Good bit of new mum instinctive protection…anything that my body perceived as a potential threat set me off. He was also told by the HV that if he had to smoke, he needed to do it outside, have a smoking jumper etc that was taken off before he went near the DC and that he had to scrub his hands before touching the DC. 2nd hand smoke is a problem that needs to be taken seriously.

I’m an ex-smoker (and loved it!) and I can’t stand the smell around children. I’d be telling him he’s not allowed to smoke inside at all, smoking jumper, hand washing etc and that there’s no WAY your baby is going into a house where people are smoking. It’s 2023. We know the risks that smoking has and it’s no longer “fine”. If he refuses to change or tell his relatives then I’d be considering leaving him as it’s a really big line.

Newmumatlast · 08/04/2023 09:33

kitsuneghost · 08/04/2023 09:23

I am a smoker, does your DP smoke inside. If so that needs to stop. Also I wouldn't be taking baby to any indoor smoking house.
I think the walks are OK if it is a front facing pram.

The seeing him smoke, I get what you mean but they will see people smoke. Smoking parent doesn't mean the child will smoke.
Quite often the opposite.

The walks aren't ok I'm afraid. A smoker won't be able to tell as much as a non smoker because they're so used to it, they don't often appreciate how insidious the smoke is or how much they smell of it. I can smell smoke if a person is smoking across from us in the park up to a certain distance. If I can smell it, my kids can. And therefore in a pram right in front of the person smoking they will get it. My step daughter used to come to stay and I would have to immediately wash her clothes or have her in different ones as her entire bag of clothes stunk of smoke. And her mum didn't smoke in the house. Always out of windows or in the garden with door wide open. I genuinely think any smoke is bad enough you don't have to be directly smoking next to a child

MrNook · 08/04/2023 09:34

He's now very angry and said if he can't smoke he's not taking the baby on pram walks.

Selfish arsehole. Smoking is more important than taking his baby out? What a catch! Doesn't care about quite literally putting his childs life at risk.

I'd be really firm on no smoking indoors or outdoors when with baby and his family would not be babysitting. That's absolutely grim.

If he wants to choose smoking over your child then he's told you exactly what kind of person he his, I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone like that

Newmumatlast · 08/04/2023 09:34

I would also seriously question the judgement of anyone willing to smoke around a child OP and wouldnt trust them to look after my child. They clearly aren't capable of prioritising a child over themselves else they wouldn't do it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/04/2023 09:34

Mindymomo · Today 09:16
You should agree to him smoking outside whilst being with baby, he’s already not smoking indoors. I wouldn’t want my baby with relatives indoors smoking, you can ask them if they wouldn’t mind smoking outdoors, but if they refuse, then it’s up to you whether you take baby round there”

Rubbish. He’ll be breathing all kinds of crap at the baby when he comes back indoors.

kitsuneghost · 08/04/2023 09:34

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 08/04/2023 09:25

Smoking parent doesn't mean the child will smoke.
Quite often the opposite.
Im afraid you’re very, very wrong.

https://www.nationalhealthexecutive.com/articles/children-more-likely-to-smoke-if-their-parents-are-smokers

Just in my circles then?

Nosleepforthismum · 08/04/2023 09:35

My dad and step mum are heavy smokers but I never even had to have a conversation with them about it. If they visited, they would always smoke outside and wash hands afterwards. They would never dream of smoking inside, never mind if they were looking after a baby/child. Your DP sounds incredibly selfish and I would not be taking baby over to a house where people smoke indoors.

Newmumatlast · 08/04/2023 09:35

Lolapusht · 08/04/2023 09:33

My DH was still smoking when our DC were born and I absolutely hated the smell of it around my babies. Good bit of new mum instinctive protection…anything that my body perceived as a potential threat set me off. He was also told by the HV that if he had to smoke, he needed to do it outside, have a smoking jumper etc that was taken off before he went near the DC and that he had to scrub his hands before touching the DC. 2nd hand smoke is a problem that needs to be taken seriously.

I’m an ex-smoker (and loved it!) and I can’t stand the smell around children. I’d be telling him he’s not allowed to smoke inside at all, smoking jumper, hand washing etc and that there’s no WAY your baby is going into a house where people are smoking. It’s 2023. We know the risks that smoking has and it’s no longer “fine”. If he refuses to change or tell his relatives then I’d be considering leaving him as it’s a really big line.

Agree with you. My dad smoked during a bit of my childhood and he was bottom of the garden in a coat for smoking, scrubbed after, etc. Still smelt of smoke but he genuinely did do what he could to eradicate it and he gave up too.

Goodread1 · 08/04/2023 09:36

You are 100 💯 per cent right,

No way should his family or Anyone smoke near you or in your newborn babys environment at All,

It's a child abuse

You and your Partner husband need to be your baby/your child's Adovacate at all times

kitsuneghost · 08/04/2023 09:37

@newmumatlast I hate the smoking out window and open door thing. I have friends that do this and it does nothing.

FlowersAndBonnets · 08/04/2023 09:37

kitsuneghost · 08/04/2023 09:23

I am a smoker, does your DP smoke inside. If so that needs to stop. Also I wouldn't be taking baby to any indoor smoking house.
I think the walks are OK if it is a front facing pram.

The seeing him smoke, I get what you mean but they will see people smoke. Smoking parent doesn't mean the child will smoke.
Quite often the opposite.

No, the walks are not okay, even if it’s a front facing pram.

And nobody has a front facing pram with a newborn anyway Confused

sugarspices · 08/04/2023 09:37

@MrsSkylerWhite what do you suggest OP does then? Considering her partner has just as much right to the baby as she does and she isn't able to actually enforce her rules? If she leaves him, she'll have no idea when and where he's smoking when he has contact with the child. No court in the land would prevent a father access to his child because he smokes outdoors.

ActDottie · 08/04/2023 09:37

You knew he was a big smoker so I’m confused why this is an issue now? And not when you were planning to get pregnant? His smoking habit sounds disgusting tbh and I’d not let him or anyone smoke around the baby inside or outside. I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to give up the smoking since he found out you were pregnant?

ItsMyCakeNotYourCake · 08/04/2023 09:38

AlwaysGinPlease · 08/04/2023 09:20

I wouldn't have a baby with a smoker.

1000% this

Grim

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 08/04/2023 09:39

No way. You are not unreasonable.
And he needs to change his clothes too. And I'd not be letting any smoker hold my baby.

You have to be strong in this op.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/04/2023 09:39

sugarspices · Today 09:37
@MrsSkylerWhite what do you suggest OP does then? Considering her partner has just as much right to the baby as she does and she isn't able to actually enforce her rules? If she leaves him, she'll have no idea when and where he's smoking when he has contact with the child. No court in the land would prevent a father access to his child because he smokes outdoors”

Yet.

AngelinaFibres · 08/04/2023 09:40

Mariposista · 08/04/2023 09:25

And yet you chose to have a child with him…

And managed to kiss him for years,sleep next to him when he stinks of fags. 😕

thegrain · 08/04/2023 09:41

I'd move out