To smoke around newborn/baby/child?

[newmummie]

Just want to know AIBU. I'm due me and dp first child in 3 months time, we are so so excited. Dp smokes (I don't, and never will) and when I say smokes, I mean around the clock. Since becoming pregnant I've made him very aware that he isn't allowed to smoke near me and I don't want to inhale any of it, he's agreed with this and does try his best to keep me away from it all. Although he does smoke when he's beside me in outdoors, this still makes me uncomfortable as it hits me up the face so I just walk infront of him until he's finished. I've recently told him that under no circumstances is anyone allowed to smoke near our child, he said he's not silly and he wouldn't do so but he can't help if someone in his family does. (All of his family smoke, none of mine do) This has made me quite uncomfortable, that he would say he can't help it if they decide to smoke around our child? I made it quite clear to him that if I ever see his family or anyone else light a cigarette near our baby/child I will simply get up and leave and ask them not to do it in future. He then said he won't let them smoke BESIDE baby but nothing wrong with a few distance away. But he's not asking them to go outside in their own house, which I understand. This has just made me very wary as they always talk about babysitting and how excited they are to have a new baby in the house. I just don't trust that when I'm not there they'll follow what I'm saying surrounding smoking near baby. They already have a child in the house and they've been smoking near her since newborn days, was never an issue to them. So I'm scared. Been talking more to DP about this past few days and it's causing countless arguments. He's agreed he won't smoke around baby however he CAN smoke when taking baby walks in the pram as it's outdoor in the fresh air. I still disagreed to this and said absolutely not. He's now very angry and said if he can't smoke he's not taking the baby on pram walks. AIBU? As you can tell I'm severely anxious around smoking around a newborn/child, I just don't want my child inhaling it. I've read to much negatives around it, although I am aware the chances of something happening to my baby is low but it's not a chance I want to take. I've also said to DH I'd rather my child not know that he smokes until he's much older, so to hide that he does it for the first few years, he's also said no to this. I just don't want to teach my child NO to smoking but he sees his dad and family do it all the time? What would be the point? Ranting at this point, sorry. Just frustrated. Should I be more easy on DP? Am I over reacting? Be kind, I'm really anxious around the whole thing. Thanks so much. xxx

I don't know what you do about this, I married a smoker but we didn't have kids until he was an ex smoker and that was a non-negotiable with me. You've missed the boat with that one. Can you bring him to a midwife appointment and get somebody else to explain it to him? Although if he doesn't get it, he's been living under rock or is a bit hard of thinking.

It can be very hard to change someone’s perception of risk if smoking is a social norm in a household…I’ve been to patients houses where one member of the family is dying of smoking related illness/and family members are still smoking around both the dying person and their own children. Have you had a chat with your midwife, they may be able to point you to some resources?.

I do think anyone who smokes this much in this day and age and who has children is either pretty thick or has serious addiction problems or is one of those contrarian types who gets a buzz out doing things they are not supposed to do. You would have to have lived under a rock to not be aware of how damaging it is.

What kind of life bringing kids up are you going to have with someone like this?

You don't have to use air freshener or chemicals around a baby either. I only use a bit of bathroom spray, toilet cleaner and floor cleaning liquid, once a week, and not anywhere near a baby.

Traffic pollution would be a better comparison. I wouldn't choose to live near a busy road with a young baby either, if I had the choice, but the risk is less than smoking

He’s a selfish cunt and clearly didn’t fall far from the tree. You shouldn’t have gotten pregnant from him but seeing as you have, I’d leave, move far, far away from his scummy family and make bloody sure you breastfeed for at least two years. He’s clearly going to be a deadbeat dad who wont fight for custody.

Wtf is antibac going to do lol it doesn’t even clean hands properly- soap and water washes stuff away.

i would make change clothes because of 3rd hand smoke.

This, basically

It won't be easy for DP to give up at a time he is under great stress with a newborn on the way. Has he considered transitioning to a vape?

Just reading it stays on skin and hair too so a shower and shampoo would be required as well as a clothes change, ideally! 😬 I wonder if it’s also on their breath - the chemicals I mean. Certainly the smell of cigarettes lingers on smokers’ breath so I wouldn’t be surprised if so.

I think getting a midwife to explain might be beneficial, OP. Shame you can’t take all of them to your appointment… 🙄

I just want to say this is really nice to read. I can't stand seeing people walking their dogs smoking let alone walking with babies or kids smoking. It's good of you to protect your rats (but why not yourself?!)

He needs to ship up or ship out. It's time for him to grow up and put someone else first. I wouldn't be taking my baby into a house that's full of smoke either, they would be able to visit baby at my home, and smoking would be banned on the property.

In your shoes, I'd be tempted to leave him before baby is born, and not put him on the birth certificate. If he's not prepared to quit for baby, he's not likely to do anything else for baby either.

That’s so awful and I say that as an occasional smoker!

Theres a guy on my road who walks his kid to nursery on his shoulder every morning and he’s always puffing away on a ciggy. Makes me feel ill.

I am disappointed you chose to be with this man. That is done though, and 100% with you on this.

This had never occurred to me, but now that I think about it, I’ve never once known a parent in our generation to be a smoker. I know a few people who were occasional smokers in their late teens / early twenties, but everyone gives it up before kids. My DCs go to a school with 600 kids, and I’ve never seen a parent smoke on the school run, on weekends near the park, or outside during play dates, and I’ve never smelled smoke on a kid. It’s simply not something people do anymore… is it???

said to dp could they visit us when they want to see baby? But he told me there's no way and they will expect to see us most days in their home to visit.

Even aside from the smoking it's unreasonable of them to expect you to always be the ones visiting. Especially with a newborn.

On the smoking, YA definitely NBU. I wouldn't be taking my child to a house where people smoke inside and no way would they be babysitting. You think they'd hold a baby while smoking - nope, they don't get to come near her if that is their attitude.

I'd never have a child with a smoker. Doesn't he care? Does he even want to stop?

You don't take a baby into a house where people have been smoking.
Don't let anyone smoke in your house.
Don't let anyone near a baby for twenty minutes after they've smoked and have been outdoors for a while to reduce the toxins in their breath, hair and clothes.

Patches

There's a middle ground between trying to 'force' smokers to give up, and expecting smokers to practise harm limitation around babies. Yes it's an addiction, yes it hard to give up...but, it really isn't that hard to not smoke in the face of your pregnant partner, to only smoke outside and when the baby is elsewhere, and to tell your family the baby isn't to be around smoke.
Most smokers are very used to having to inconvenience themselves, wait several hours at times until they can get to a place where smoking is permitted, stand out in the cold, and so on, as there are so few places they can smoke. Refusing to make the effort at home to protect your baby that you have to make pretty much everywhere else because its the law, is lazy and neglectful.

My 10-day-old niece with 2 smoking parents died of cot death. Please don't risk it.

That's not how addiction works

Excuses, excuses.

This 100%.
How anyone can put cigarettes above their child’s safety and health is beyond me.
My parents were smokers and I breathed in so much second hand hand toxins. Must have stank too.

Parental smoking (esp. maternal, but there is evidence that paternal and environmental exposure is an issue too) is risk factor for poorer health outcomes throughout life. These may be respiratory (smokers kids have higher rates of asthma/ respiratory illness) but there may also be an effect on cardiovascular health and obesity.

This may well be the time to really push giving up smoking.

I was extremely surprised to find out that my SIL's dad smoked until his grandchildren were born! Surprised as most of the smoking parents in our social circle gave up in the late 80s / early 90s (my own Father was one of the last to give up) so it was unusual to hear of someone still smoking until 2010!

Anecdotally I was the only child in our family to be exposed to smoke indoors (after my brother was born my Mum pushed my smoking father outside). I'm the only one with asthma. There is no strong family history of asthma either.

https://translational-medicine.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12967-015-0690-y

https://www.menzies.utas.edu.au/news-and-events/media-releases/2012/evidence-of-long-term-effects-of-parental-smoke-on-kids

I can't believe some people are still blasé about this sort of thing.

My DF was raised by parents who were smokers. He developed asthma. He grew up and moved away, asthma was under control for several years during which time he married my DM. Then had an asthma attack age 36 and dropped dead, leaving a widow and 2 young children. Guess what he was doing at the time of death? Yup, visiting his parents.

If my parents or in laws smoked then I wouldn't be visiting their house. They can come to my house and only smoke outside. Yanbu at all. If they want to damage their lungs with cigarette smoke then that is up to them, but don't fill baby's lungs with it when they have no choice in the matter.