To smoke around newborn/baby/child?

[newmummie]

Just want to know AIBU. I'm due me and dp first child in 3 months time, we are so so excited. Dp smokes (I don't, and never will) and when I say smokes, I mean around the clock. Since becoming pregnant I've made him very aware that he isn't allowed to smoke near me and I don't want to inhale any of it, he's agreed with this and does try his best to keep me away from it all. Although he does smoke when he's beside me in outdoors, this still makes me uncomfortable as it hits me up the face so I just walk infront of him until he's finished. I've recently told him that under no circumstances is anyone allowed to smoke near our child, he said he's not silly and he wouldn't do so but he can't help if someone in his family does. (All of his family smoke, none of mine do) This has made me quite uncomfortable, that he would say he can't help it if they decide to smoke around our child? I made it quite clear to him that if I ever see his family or anyone else light a cigarette near our baby/child I will simply get up and leave and ask them not to do it in future. He then said he won't let them smoke BESIDE baby but nothing wrong with a few distance away. But he's not asking them to go outside in their own house, which I understand. This has just made me very wary as they always talk about babysitting and how excited they are to have a new baby in the house. I just don't trust that when I'm not there they'll follow what I'm saying surrounding smoking near baby. They already have a child in the house and they've been smoking near her since newborn days, was never an issue to them. So I'm scared. Been talking more to DP about this past few days and it's causing countless arguments. He's agreed he won't smoke around baby however he CAN smoke when taking baby walks in the pram as it's outdoor in the fresh air. I still disagreed to this and said absolutely not. He's now very angry and said if he can't smoke he's not taking the baby on pram walks. AIBU? As you can tell I'm severely anxious around smoking around a newborn/child, I just don't want my child inhaling it. I've read to much negatives around it, although I am aware the chances of something happening to my baby is low but it's not a chance I want to take. I've also said to DH I'd rather my child not know that he smokes until he's much older, so to hide that he does it for the first few years, he's also said no to this. I just don't want to teach my child NO to smoking but he sees his dad and family do it all the time? What would be the point? Ranting at this point, sorry. Just frustrated. Should I be more easy on DP? Am I over reacting? Be kind, I'm really anxious around the whole thing. Thanks so much. xxx

YANBU.

I would just not visit them in their house and ask them not to smoke in yours. To be fair, I think this is something you should have discussed before having a baby if his family is full of heavy smokers.

I'm from a family with many smokers. None of us smoke around pregnant women or children, even if we're outdoors. We don't smoke around any non-smokers, it's rude. He can help it if his family do it, he just doesn't want to.

I don't know how you could shag him in the first place it make a baby. He must stink.

He's being totally unreasonable. No smoking in your house, not even hanging out the back door and no smoking within 2m outside was my rule. We didn't visit houses that had smoking indoors

It doesn't sound like his family are well versed in the dangers of smoking around babies and young children nor do they actually feel it's an issue. Likewise your partner. Not sure what you expected to be honest, he's a committed smoker and unlikely to give it up. You've allowed him to blow his smoke around you since day1 he's not going to change.
We had a cat who occasionally popped next door to our neighbours who smoked. The cat always came back stinking of fags, it was vile..your poor baby would be exposed to similar or probably worse secondary smoke at your in laws.
Not sure how you're going to reconcile this one.

There are few scummier sights that someone smoke a fag while pushing a pram.

How does he manage not to smoke while at work?

Yanbu but should have discussed it with him before having a baby. Only person i know who smoked when my kids were young was my dad who we didn’t see much and he wasn’t allowed to smoke in our house or handle them if he had smoked before coming out. My kids my rules. He needs to stop being selfish and grow up and put his unborn child 1st. Personally i wouldn’t let him near me or my baby

YANBU. I have family who smoke in the house. My children don't go there.

Reality, reality.

I don't know what to say,

I wouldn't have even dated him, let alone anything else. And if you left him he would carry on regardless around your child.

Unless your GP/midwife can get through to him I don't know what the answer it.

But I think I'd still leave. At least half the time your child will be in clean air

It's socioeconomic in my experience. Where I live, if you go to a park in a well to do neighbourhood nobody will be smoking, but if you go to a park in a deprived neighbourhood there will be plenty of parents smoking.

I wouldn’t have had a child with a smoker. Parents that smoke are abhorrent IMO, the damage to children is awful.

We only have one smoker in our family, step-MIL. We were LC with them anyway but DD does not go inside their house as it stinks. They wouldn’t ever be left alone with DD.

If your partner cares more about smoking than his child he should be an ex.

It's done now, but lesson for future.

Never ever date a smoker. Certainly don't have a baby with one.

I wouldn’t be letting the baby go to the house, full stop. The smoke will be everywhere, seeped into every thing.
nope!

Its compliance with social norms in my experience. There are plenty of 'well to do' parents who are social or secret smokers. They just know it's frowned upon so wouldn't do it in public.

Don't allow this in any way shape or form. Years ago I knew a woman who used to have her weeks old baby in a front carrying baby sling. She used to walk along merrily puffing on a ciggy with the baby inches away from the stream of smoke.
I'm afraid to say that this baby was dead at 12 weeks old with bronchial pneumonia

having a baby with this man was a mistake, but it is happening so now you have to do damage control

i would never allow my child to step foot into a house where anyone ever smokes inside, even if they don’t smoke during the visit.

going forward I would only agree to meet smoking family members in non-smoking places.

your dp really should not be touching the baby after smoking, so smoking in front of the baby certainly won’t work. He has to change his clothes and wash up before he can have contact with the child so he can’t be in charge of the baby while smoking.

Absolutely…this documentary (staff from Alder Hey Children’s Hospital) from 8:40mins to about 18mins https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-XegW4wTG9s&t=1078s
shows one aspect of smoking on child health (and says to wait several hours, shower and change clothes).

Smoking is disgusting, and it stinks! I say that from an ex smoker.
Increase in SIDS for babies being around smokers.
I would insist he changed his clothes, washed hands and brushed teeth if he wanted to handle baby after a fag!! Maybe I'm unreasonable but it's disgusting!!!

Well obviously social/secret smokers aren't smoking around their kids which is what the PP was talking about. But if you're talking more generally then there are statistical associations between lower SES and smoking uptake, and also lower SES and lower levels of smoking cessation. All of which is understandable.

i agree, theres plenty of studies to show that lower SES is linked to higher rates (and higher numbers/day) of cigarettes smoked but also that lower SES groups are less responsive to health messaging. It's understanding the reasons why people smoke and if you have a highly stressful job ( particularly shift work for eg...you'd be surprised how many nurses smoke/smoked when they know full well the health implications) and live on a low wage, cigarettes may help you get through the day. The challenge of giving up when you are expecting or have a baby(or a partner giving up ) is that its a stresssfull time with lots of sleep deprivation and perhaps more financial stress so I understand if the OP's partner doesn't quite feel he can quit yet.... but not exposing the baby to smoke is a no-brainer really and hopefully he will get this message at some point.

Makes you wonder where they find the extra £4,000 per year to fund the habit 🤷‍♀️

Unless your husband changed his clothes and has a shower after every cigarette, your baby is going to be breathing in 3rd hand smoke. It’s extremely dangerous. There’s an obviously solution - he needs to quit.

However, the issue with your in-laws is much more difficult to solve. The baby cannot be allowed to go into their house based on your description of it and their behaviour. I would probably accept the risk of them holding the baby occasionally but from what you’ve said it sounds like they live locally and want to see you every day. If you put your foot down and say this can’t happen you’re going to end up splitting up with your partner. If you’re no longer together he’s going to be having the baby on his own and you’ll have absolutely no control over where he takes it and who holds it.

And how can she possibly enforce that?

Her partner will just take absolutely no notice and if he wants to take the baby to his family he will.

Very, very difficult situation