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Original poster

Friend takes offence

268 replies

Booboojump · 08/04/2023 02:49

So one of my friends took major offence to my wording…. She called me out on it and now I’m embarrassed

I invited my friend around this past week with her children via text.

“Would you and the boys like to come over for some lunch and a play in the garden tomorrow, the weather is looking much better”

She has 4 boys, 3 being the same ages as mine. All friendly with each other and get along great

As she came in I used called her children “the boys” would “you boys” like a drink…
she sat down and asked me not to call them “the boys”. I replied a rather embarrassed yeah of course… silence for a few mins then I had start the convo up as it was awkward as hell.

Im terms of gender, im as liberal as they come (sister is a in a same gender relationship and identities as masc) As far as I’m aware all the children identify as the gender they were born as and are typical boys boys.

I would normally message people with multiple children “the girls/boys/children depending of the children's genders rather than writing a full Tom, Dick, Harry and Bob!

I feel awkward now there is tension between us. like I need to watch myself what I say as not to offend!

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 08/04/2023 02:55

What is her problem, exactly? Do you know?

TheCatterall · 08/04/2023 03:02

She sounds like she’s being a massive dick. I wouldn’t inviting her again.

If her children identify as boys… what’s the harm in you calling them boys?

Her behaviour was petty and done purposefully to imitate you and make you feel embarrassed. If she really felt she had to address it she could have just asked you in passing to call them ‘genderless beings’ or whatever suits her.

this is not how a friend should be handling conflict or a difference of opinion.

Quent · 08/04/2023 03:02

On the one hand, I think referring to a group of boys as 'the boys' is a pretty normal bit of phrasing and you haven't done anything obviously wrong in using it. But on the other hand she has made quite a minor request in telling you one specific thing that she doesn't want you to say when you refer to her kids, and you seem to be overreacting to that.

So you don't need to tie yourself in knots - just respect her wishes and avoid this one phrase. Apologise if you slip up and move on. You don't seem to know why she has asked so you don't even know if she is actually offended.

Original poster
Booboojump · 08/04/2023 03:04

@ReadersD1gest
I honestly have no idea! But she obviously feels triggered by it.
My husbands theories:
she/parent has gender questions/thoughts
one of the children
doesn’t like “the boys” being lumped together
wanted a girl
just likes to be seem woke 😂

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 08/04/2023 03:06

She sounds like hard work, no need to be embarrassed you said nothing wrong.

emptythelitterbox · 08/04/2023 03:07

Next time call them the girls.

ReadersD1gest · 08/04/2023 03:08

emptythelitterbox · 08/04/2023 03:07

Next time call them the girls.

Or the brats. I couldn't be doing with this nonsense.

cariadlet · 08/04/2023 03:13

Why didn't you just ask her at the time why she didn't want you to say "the boys" and how she would prefer you to refer them?

You weren't being rude; you were using an everyday shorthand. It's a pretty normal thing to say, more natural than to use all 4 names when referring to them as a group.

MichelleScarn · 08/04/2023 03:13

IF your boys get enjoyment out of them coming over, I'd keep inviting. But would pedanticaly now say, 'would you John, Paul, George and Phil like to... x,y,z everytime now!

malmi · 08/04/2023 03:22

Start calling them the "ladz"

WitheredandOld · 08/04/2023 03:24

She sounds unpleasant. I’d step way back and certainly would not invite her over again.

Nandocushion · 08/04/2023 03:24

It's weird that you didn't ask her why at the time tbh. But it's really not a big deal and you shouldn't overthink it. Next time - if there is one - say "Would anyone like a drink/snack/whatever". No room for offence.

(I often say "you guys" to any grouping of young people, boys and/or girls, but I'm aware lots of MNers would take offence to this just on principle)

ReadersD1gest · 08/04/2023 03:27

Nandocushion · 08/04/2023 03:24

It's weird that you didn't ask her why at the time tbh. But it's really not a big deal and you shouldn't overthink it. Next time - if there is one - say "Would anyone like a drink/snack/whatever". No room for offence.

(I often say "you guys" to any grouping of young people, boys and/or girls, but I'm aware lots of MNers would take offence to this just on principle)

But there's no objective offence in either of those references. She was being a dick.

Ladyindastreetbuta · 08/04/2023 03:27

If she’s asked you not to call them that, then that’s fair enough? I’d just respect what she’s asked. There isn’t any need to be embarrassed as you didn’t know before. But now you do so I would keep pliéing through with ‘the boys’ if she doesn’t like them being called that?
she might have a previous experience being mislabelled her gender as a child and she is just trying to stop that from happening to her kids, which is quite sweet if you think about it. And avoiding labels like that takes very little effort from you and might make a big impact to her/ her ‘boys’

Busybutbored · 08/04/2023 03:29

Oh I know what she means, sometimes it's like not having am identity being called "the boys", "the twins", "the kids", but let's face it, it's easier that way. She obviously has issues and doesn't like it, I think it's good she told you, you weren't to know. End of story. Continue being friends, it really doesn't need to be a big deal.

nomoremerlot · 08/04/2023 03:38

What utter bloody nonsense by her!

Carry on as you are!

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 08/04/2023 03:42

She sounds like a twat

Goldie2021 · 08/04/2023 03:43

I have 3 sisters and we were always called “the girls” It always irritated the crap out of me.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 08/04/2023 03:46

Maybe call them "precious snowflakes"?

ReadersD1gest · 08/04/2023 03:48

Goldie2021 · 08/04/2023 03:43

I have 3 sisters and we were always called “the girls” It always irritated the crap out of me.

Did you expect an individual name check every time anyone referred to you as a group? How odd.

SpideyCraw · 08/04/2023 04:05

Yeah fuck that.

I understand why people are saying it’s a minor request so just go with it, but the problem is that in making the request in this way, this woman has made OP feel like she’s done something wrong. She sounds incredibly precious and I couldn’t be arsed with someone like this.

RoseGoldEagle · 08/04/2023 04:25

It could be that she wanted a daughter and the constant mention of ‘the boys’ irritates her for that reason (may sound ridiculous but since there are whole forums dedicated to gender disappointment it’s not impossible).

Or it could just be an irritation with the need to refer to their sex at all, they are boys, of course, but it doesn’t really need mentioning any more than you’d say ‘Do the brown haired kids want a drink?’ if they all had brown hair. I read something on our attitudes to sex/gender a while ago, and it highlighted how we do this from a young age, it’s ‘Right girls come and do this, ok you boys go over there’, Rather than just ‘you kids’, and that it’s a constant reinforcement to our kids that their sex is one of the most important things about them (and apparently this can feed into gender inequality down the line). Not saying I necessarily agree but I thought it was interesting, and it has made me notice more how often we do this without thinking in situations where mentioning the child’s sex has no bearing on anything, so I just wonder if she’s coming at it from this angle.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 08/04/2023 04:29

You could try calling them “people of (her name ) vagina. “

RoseGoldEagle · 08/04/2023 04:30

Though having said all that, she needs to understand that she has 4 boys and they will be referred to this way, and she can’t really police other people’s language- if she really feels strongly about it she could have had a nicer chat with you about it and not just effectively told you off and made you feel bad about it!

ReadersD1gest · 08/04/2023 04:30

RoseGoldEagle · 08/04/2023 04:25

It could be that she wanted a daughter and the constant mention of ‘the boys’ irritates her for that reason (may sound ridiculous but since there are whole forums dedicated to gender disappointment it’s not impossible).

Or it could just be an irritation with the need to refer to their sex at all, they are boys, of course, but it doesn’t really need mentioning any more than you’d say ‘Do the brown haired kids want a drink?’ if they all had brown hair. I read something on our attitudes to sex/gender a while ago, and it highlighted how we do this from a young age, it’s ‘Right girls come and do this, ok you boys go over there’, Rather than just ‘you kids’, and that it’s a constant reinforcement to our kids that their sex is one of the most important things about them (and apparently this can feed into gender inequality down the line). Not saying I necessarily agree but I thought it was interesting, and it has made me notice more how often we do this without thinking in situations where mentioning the child’s sex has no bearing on anything, so I just wonder if she’s coming at it from this angle.

Massive over thinking there. Referring to a child as a little boy or little girl is not making their sex the most important thing about them. It's just not that deep, you know?