Friend takes offence

[Booboojump]

So one of my friends took major offence to my wording…. She called me out on it and now I’m embarrassed

I invited my friend around this past week with her children via text.

“Would you and the boys like to come over for some lunch and a play in the garden tomorrow, the weather is looking much better”

She has 4 boys, 3 being the same ages as mine. All friendly with each other and get along great

As she came in I used called her children “the boys” would “you boys” like a drink…
she sat down and asked me not to call them “the boys”. I replied a rather embarrassed yeah of course… silence for a few mins then I had start the convo up as it was awkward as hell.

Im terms of gender, im as liberal as they come (sister is a in a same gender relationship and identities as masc) As far as I’m aware all the children identify as the gender they were born as and are typical boys boys.

I would normally message people with multiple children “the girls/boys/children depending of the children's genders rather than writing a full Tom, Dick, Harry and Bob!

I feel awkward now there is tension between us. like I need to watch myself what I say as not to offend!

(That said, my gran refused to be called Nanny because it was a goat 😂)

@SoupDragon 😁Thank you.

My mum also refused to be called Nanny cos of the goat thing...

I just used the term Billy’s as a quick way of getting their attention. Obviously, I call them by their names when I talk to get directly or maybe 2 of them.

I do have 2 boys and a girl. Which in time get referred to as the boys and Olivia. Or kids/guys boys and girl if talking to all of them.

She just sort of blurted it out that I shouldn’t all them boys, it quite hard to respond when someone dames something that has taken you back a little. In hindsight I could have asked why but I just didn’t at the time.

Going forward I will respect her wishes as it’s a fairly simple request. I asked on mums net as I don’t want to talk about her/it around common friends.

Never being referred to as your name while growing up in a big family isn’t very pleasant. Nothing odd about it. I have a name, my three other sisters have names. We are individuals.

Wouldn't you rather as a friend they could say if you were doing something they hated rather than just cringing every time? I would, for something like that.

And I'm not sure how she could have done it much better. She didn't make a scene, just said that she'd rather Op didn't use the term.

This.

lots of comments about the person having been ‘offended’ by the term boys, having been rude and lots of guesses about why.

sounds me to me like a fairly innocuous request that’s being turned into something more. There was no wider context maybe she’s an otherwise kind, great friend…maybe she’s an arsehole who moans about everything. Kinds of hard to judge from so little information and when op has no idea why she made the request.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence. OP was made to feel like she’d done something wrong in her own home. The friend could easily have gently explained why she didn’t want them to be called ‘boys’ and kept it light-hearted. Instead she made a blunt request, with no explanation, followed by an awkward silence that OP had to break.

Yes. Why didn't she just say why? The bluntness was odd.

I think the silence after was where she was expecting you to ask why.

I agree with this.

Your friend wasn't berating you or criticising you. She just asked you not to use a specific term. I have no idea why she doesn't like it but I suspect it's probably something to do with wanting to de-emphasise masculinity as part of their identity. Whatever. It might seem petty to you but certainly isn't worth falling out about. You weren't wrong to be using the term but YABU to take her request as some sort of personal slight.

Why would you "leave a silence to enable someone to ask why" 😵‍💫
Further attention seeking muppetry.

YOU THERE! JUVENILE ADOLESCENT HUMAN OF INDETERMINABLE AGE! Would you like to come over and play?

She sounds like a twat and her poor boys!

@ReadersD1gest

Lots of people talk like that, they open with a conversation starter then pause for the person to say the next thing. Instead of just launching into a one-sided speech.

She was a guest in the OP's home and her request without context was rude.

SHE chose not to explain the request and give it context.

If I want to call a crowd of boys in MY home, "boys", I will do exactly that.

If she really wanted me to change how I refer to childcare in MY home, she should have the basic courtesy of giving context.

It shouldn't have to be up to the OP to ask for and explanation as to why.

She chose to be rude IMO.

Expecting the next thing to be "Why did you say that?" is attention seeking nonsense 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, just explain. Drama Queen! Don't leave your friend just sitting there thinking WTF?

I really don't like it when people try to police other people's language (beyond objecting to the abusive/hateful stuff). You used a perfectly normal term and she sounds like hard work - too hard to bother with imo.
Agree with pp that you should have asked her what her objection was at the time and then challenged it if you considered she is being a twat unreasonable

Human beings are really hardwork, judging from the posts here. All that thinking but not speaking, then expecting your thoughts to be known; then there's speaking but saying the wrong thing, obviously, because you should have known.