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Original poster

Friend takes offence

268 replies

Booboojump · 08/04/2023 02:49

So one of my friends took major offence to my wording…. She called me out on it and now I’m embarrassed

I invited my friend around this past week with her children via text.

“Would you and the boys like to come over for some lunch and a play in the garden tomorrow, the weather is looking much better”

She has 4 boys, 3 being the same ages as mine. All friendly with each other and get along great

As she came in I used called her children “the boys” would “you boys” like a drink…
she sat down and asked me not to call them “the boys”. I replied a rather embarrassed yeah of course… silence for a few mins then I had start the convo up as it was awkward as hell.

Im terms of gender, im as liberal as they come (sister is a in a same gender relationship and identities as masc) As far as I’m aware all the children identify as the gender they were born as and are typical boys boys.

I would normally message people with multiple children “the girls/boys/children depending of the children's genders rather than writing a full Tom, Dick, Harry and Bob!

I feel awkward now there is tension between us. like I need to watch myself what I say as not to offend!

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 08/04/2023 08:52

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/04/2023 07:27

@Slitherie , dh’s old aunt - over 80 - still referred to her similar-aged bridge-playing circle as ‘the girls’.

I doubt that anyone thought she was referring to children!

IMO it’s a lot of nonsense, getting steamed up over such things. There are plenty of much more important things to get worked up about.

This ⬆

In spades (if you'll pardon the analogy).

My friends and I are in our late sixties. When we refer to each other, we use the term "girls".

VWHoliday · 08/04/2023 08:54

Quent · 08/04/2023 08:48

So many people would really cut a friend off just for making a single request about the language you use around her kids, without even knowing why? Talk about being touchy, too easily offended and hard work.

I would have asked why but she is the one being hardwork saying it without an explanation.

If one of the boys had said they felt more like a girl then why not say when the boys couldn't hear - nothing to ashamed of.

If it was because she wanted OP to say all four names instead of boys then she definitely is just being an idiot.

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 08/04/2023 08:55

It’s peak mumsnet to assume this is an issue with the gender of her children, for 2 friends not to have a 30 second convo about why someone has a different preference, to assume that you have caused “offence” and even weirder to feel awkward and tense about a friendship because as a result of this.

For goodness sake!

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/04/2023 08:56

dittbtdity · 08/04/2023 07:46

How precious 😳

Show quote history

I wonder if she's OK with people calling them "their Royal Highnesses" as a collective term?

hattie43 · 08/04/2023 08:56

Is it a gender issue or does she want them to hear their actual names for individuality . Eg Jane and Sarah only ever known as the twins type thing

VWHoliday · 08/04/2023 08:59

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 08/04/2023 08:55

It’s peak mumsnet to assume this is an issue with the gender of her children, for 2 friends not to have a 30 second convo about why someone has a different preference, to assume that you have caused “offence” and even weirder to feel awkward and tense about a friendship because as a result of this.

For goodness sake!

Yes but do you correct your friends over things like that because if you then it will get on people's nerves and they will think you are hardwork.

Hesma · 08/04/2023 09:00

Bizarre! Just use ‘kids’ in future

Jonei · 08/04/2023 09:03

Did she not bother to explain why, or suggest an alternative?

Greenfairydust · 08/04/2023 09:03

Sounds batshit...

What language does she expect you to use to refer to 4 boys?

Don't invite any of them to your house anymore and focus on other friends. Problem solved.

Sodd · 08/04/2023 09:04

Call them children or kids.

your friend is odd

Coffeetree · 08/04/2023 09:04

Instead of just asking your friend you run to mumsnet to craft a dog-whistle post? Hmm.

ConcernedMum22 · 08/04/2023 09:05

malmi · 08/04/2023 03:22

Start calling them the "ladz"

😂😂😂

Newmumatlast · 08/04/2023 09:06

Quent · 08/04/2023 03:02

On the one hand, I think referring to a group of boys as 'the boys' is a pretty normal bit of phrasing and you haven't done anything obviously wrong in using it. But on the other hand she has made quite a minor request in telling you one specific thing that she doesn't want you to say when you refer to her kids, and you seem to be overreacting to that.

So you don't need to tie yourself in knots - just respect her wishes and avoid this one phrase. Apologise if you slip up and move on. You don't seem to know why she has asked so you don't even know if she is actually offended.

I agree with this. Whether or not you think she's being silly about not using the phrase it isnt really a big deal to not use it. Some people prefer to be called by their names and their kids by their names too. It doesn't sound like she was being mean. I think you're making it into a thing when it isnt. It doesn't even sound like it was about gendering them just not liking the phrase.

SoupDragon · 08/04/2023 09:06

Coffeetree · 08/04/2023 09:04

Instead of just asking your friend you run to mumsnet to craft a dog-whistle post? Hmm.

I think the friend would have been more offended if she used a dog whistle to call them in.

JussathoB · 08/04/2023 09:08

hattie43 · 08/04/2023 08:56

Is it a gender issue or does she want them to hear their actual names for individuality . Eg Jane and Sarah only ever known as the twins type thing

Good post, the issue could be about individuality.
Also, it could be the Mum is driven mad by for example her MIL referring to her kids as ‘the boys’ all the time and it winds her up. So then she asked you not to do it.
There may be no need to fall out about it.
Try ‘ who wants a drink’ to the children.

MaidOfSteel · 08/04/2023 09:14

The only person who has done anything wrong here is the friend. She has never mentioned this 'issue' before so it was wrong to bring it up in this way, and not explaining her reasons, making the OP feel awkward in her own home.

pizzaHeart · 08/04/2023 09:18

They are boys so you called them “boys” , it’s ok to tell you if she didn’t like it but she should have been more friendly, you didn’t do anything wrong it’s just a matter of preferences. Some twins don’t like to be called “twins” , some people don’t like their names shortened. There was no need to make a big deal out of it. It’s normal to call them boys as they are boys.

SoupDragon · 08/04/2023 09:18

hattie43 · 08/04/2023 08:56

Is it a gender issue or does she want them to hear their actual names for individuality . Eg Jane and Sarah only ever known as the twins type thing

When I was little, I thought my eldest brother was called Boys as he always arrived first when my mum called 😂

LakieLady · 08/04/2023 09:18

emptythelitterbox · 08/04/2023 03:07

Next time call them the girls.

That would be very wrong.

They should be referred to as "gender neutral small people", or just "the kids".

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2023 09:19

KitKatLove · 08/04/2023 06:28

I don’t know why you’re assuming this has anything to do with gender. They have names and it’s rude not to use them. I’m a twin and being referred to as a collective is infuriating.

But in that sense they were a collective. They were four boys that she invited round to the house. How would you have referred to them?

Singapore4 · 08/04/2023 09:21

Nandocushion · 08/04/2023 03:24

It's weird that you didn't ask her why at the time tbh. But it's really not a big deal and you shouldn't overthink it. Next time - if there is one - say "Would anyone like a drink/snack/whatever". No room for offence.

(I often say "you guys" to any grouping of young people, boys and/or girls, but I'm aware lots of MNers would take offence to this just on principle)

OP was probably taken back. It's something she always says... I would of been taken back too. Its easy to say when you are not in the situation at the time.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/04/2023 09:21

Was it the fact you called them 'boys' an issue or is it that she'd like you to call them by their names and as individuals? Would she be happy with 'children would you like a drink' or is she wanting you to say 'Bert, Ernie, Fred and Barney' would you like a drink?

Freddiefox · 08/04/2023 09:22

I think you’re making a fuss over nothing. she’s asked you kindly. You chose not to ask why. Honestly it’s not that big a deal.
just call them kids instead.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2023 09:22

You were doing a really kind thing in inviting her with her four children to come for lunch and to play in the garden. Not many people would want to invite four boys to their home. And then she sulked because you called them boys when they are boys? That is just bloody ridiculous.

Mariposista · 08/04/2023 09:23

How bloody ridiculous. I’d be dropping her like a hot brick.