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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend takes offence

268 replies

Booboojump · 08/04/2023 02:49

So one of my friends took major offence to my wording…. She called me out on it and now I’m embarrassed

I invited my friend around this past week with her children via text.

“Would you and the boys like to come over for some lunch and a play in the garden tomorrow, the weather is looking much better”

She has 4 boys, 3 being the same ages as mine. All friendly with each other and get along great

As she came in I used called her children “the boys” would “you boys” like a drink…
she sat down and asked me not to call them “the boys”. I replied a rather embarrassed yeah of course… silence for a few mins then I had start the convo up as it was awkward as hell.

Im terms of gender, im as liberal as they come (sister is a in a same gender relationship and identities as masc) As far as I’m aware all the children identify as the gender they were born as and are typical boys boys.

I would normally message people with multiple children “the girls/boys/children depending of the children's genders rather than writing a full Tom, Dick, Harry and Bob!

I feel awkward now there is tension between us. like I need to watch myself what I say as not to offend!

OP posts:
sybil40 · 08/04/2023 06:39

Did the young gentlemen enjoy your hospitality?

Slitherie · 08/04/2023 06:40

I don’t buy into this ridiculousness so I wouldn’t give it much headspace. The most of do is roll my eyes and refer to them as “kids” if and when I remember.

“Kids, lunch is ready” etc

sounds horrible IMO but if it keeps the peace

Fedupofdiets · 08/04/2023 06:45

YANBU I have 3 brothers and they are always known as 'the lads' even though they all have names and are now in their 30s / 40s.

Limetart · 08/04/2023 06:46

My dn has twin boys.
We call them the boys rather than the twins.

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 06:46

Personally I don’t see what the big deal is.
You were saying something she didn’t like/irritated her. She then asked if you could not do that.

If it’s a one off thing then I would just accept it graciously and try to avoid calling them “the boys”. If it was a regularly thing, whereby she was policing my language all the time, then I would have issues with that. but a one off I would accommodate.

If you don’t know why you could always ask. To be fair I dislike people referring to things for groups of women as “girls”…eg “girls night out”. I wouldn’t say anything about it, it has nothing to do with my thoughts of gender, I just think it sounds horrible. Not that I’d ever say anything about it though.

Slitherie · 08/04/2023 06:49

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 06:46

Personally I don’t see what the big deal is.
You were saying something she didn’t like/irritated her. She then asked if you could not do that.

If it’s a one off thing then I would just accept it graciously and try to avoid calling them “the boys”. If it was a regularly thing, whereby she was policing my language all the time, then I would have issues with that. but a one off I would accommodate.

If you don’t know why you could always ask. To be fair I dislike people referring to things for groups of women as “girls”…eg “girls night out”. I wouldn’t say anything about it, it has nothing to do with my thoughts of gender, I just think it sounds horrible. Not that I’d ever say anything about it though.

But calling a group of women “the girls” is demeaning as it implies the women are children.

The OP called boys “boys”. Totally different.

Imamumgetmeoutofhere · 08/04/2023 06:49

SpideyCraw · 08/04/2023 04:05

Yeah fuck that.

I understand why people are saying it’s a minor request so just go with it, but the problem is that in making the request in this way, this woman has made OP feel like she’s done something wrong. She sounds incredibly precious and I couldn’t be arsed with someone like this.

This.

It's not the request as that not unreasonable but it's the making the OP feel rubbish that is wrong

BellePeppa · 08/04/2023 06:52

You could still say boys and when she objects you can say you were referring to your own kids.

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 06:55

@Slitherie oh I understand the difference and I personally have no issues with people using the term boys. I just meant sometimes people have specific word/phrases they dislike. I’m not sure it is only about the ‘gender’ aspect- there’s a million different reasons she might not like her children being referred to as “the boys” all the time.

I just think someone asking their friend once not to use one word isn’t a massive deal. Thought she could have explained why. There’s always ops on here from people who are annoyed by something their partner/friend does, but they won’t ever actually just address it with the person. I think I’d like that she actually just came out and said “please don’t say that”.

CaptainCorellisBagpipes · 08/04/2023 06:55

WitheredandOld · 08/04/2023 03:24

She sounds unpleasant. I’d step way back and certainly would not invite her over again.

This ^

CrystalCoco · 08/04/2023 06:55

Whatever her thoughts, I think she's being a bit unfair to not give a quick reason as to why, and now you're left wondering.

My first thought (and it was one of your DH's suggestions) is that she doesn't want her sons all lumped together, she sees them as 'individuals' - which of course they are, but you're hardly going to individually name them when you're referring to them all.

I think next time 'would anyone like a drink' will hopefully keep you on safe ground - assuming there will be a next time 😬

Strugglingtodomybest · 08/04/2023 07:00

Quent · 08/04/2023 03:02

On the one hand, I think referring to a group of boys as 'the boys' is a pretty normal bit of phrasing and you haven't done anything obviously wrong in using it. But on the other hand she has made quite a minor request in telling you one specific thing that she doesn't want you to say when you refer to her kids, and you seem to be overreacting to that.

So you don't need to tie yourself in knots - just respect her wishes and avoid this one phrase. Apologise if you slip up and move on. You don't seem to know why she has asked so you don't even know if she is actually offended.

I agree with this, and I think the silence after was where she was expecting you to ask why.

Legoninjago1 · 08/04/2023 07:00

God she sounds tiresome. You did nothing wrong and she's very rude to try and make you feel awkward in your own home. Don't bother having her back

Slitherie · 08/04/2023 07:06

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 06:55

@Slitherie oh I understand the difference and I personally have no issues with people using the term boys. I just meant sometimes people have specific word/phrases they dislike. I’m not sure it is only about the ‘gender’ aspect- there’s a million different reasons she might not like her children being referred to as “the boys” all the time.

I just think someone asking their friend once not to use one word isn’t a massive deal. Thought she could have explained why. There’s always ops on here from people who are annoyed by something their partner/friend does, but they won’t ever actually just address it with the person. I think I’d like that she actually just came out and said “please don’t say that”.

I misunderstood your post so apologies, I agree with you to an extent … I don’t particularly like “boys” either … people always used to say it to my two but I wouldn’t ever say anything as it’s not an actual offensive thing to say, it’s just personal dislike for a certain phrase

Hillrunning · 08/04/2023 07:07

You are assuming do much since you didn't actually ask. It doesn't sound like she was hugely offended at all. She asked a minor thing. It's very easy for you to just say 'would anyone like a drink?'.

Or here is a radical idea, given that she is a friend just ask her!

ImustLearn2Cook · 08/04/2023 07:08

@Booboojump When your friend asked you not to call them the boys, what was her tone of voice and body language like?

Because if she said it in a way that was a simple request or her tone was light, then there is no need for you to be worried that you might have done something wrong or offended her.

If her tone of voice was a bit sharp or sarcastic and her body language was aggressive or showing annoyance then it is understandable that you would feel uncomfortable. And you’ve done nothing to deserve that so would have every right to feel upset.

Kissedbyfire1 · 08/04/2023 07:10

I read that the Princess of Wales doesn’t allow people/staff to refer to her children as “the children”. They must use their names as referring to them as a collective is disrespectful. Perhaps OP’s friend feels the same. Perhaps it’s a “thing”.

Happyhappyeveryday · 08/04/2023 07:10

I wouldn’t think about it any more TBH. Just refer to them as ‘the children,’ ‘the kids,’ or by their names next time.

Myneighbourskia · 08/04/2023 07:13

How needless. I have 4 nieces and I just call them 'the girls' for shorthand. I'm hardly going to say 'Anna, Sophie etc..' every time I refer to them. She's a silly twat and I wouldn't invite her over again.

TiffanyBean · 08/04/2023 07:13

My assumption reading this is that it’s nothing to do with gender but rather she doesn’t like them being referred to as a group as they are all distinct individuals. I have several brothers who are all quite different people, so to refer to them as ‘the boys’ is taking away from their individuality and it can be tiresome to always just be treated as a group rather than separate people.

I know a few people with twins who really don’t like their kids being called ‘the twins’ as again they are two very different people who just happen to be twins. My own kids didn’t even know one set were twins as they are two very different and distinct individuals and their parents wanted them treated in that way rather than always just lumped together.

Phoebo · 08/04/2023 07:15

TiffanyBean · 08/04/2023 07:13

My assumption reading this is that it’s nothing to do with gender but rather she doesn’t like them being referred to as a group as they are all distinct individuals. I have several brothers who are all quite different people, so to refer to them as ‘the boys’ is taking away from their individuality and it can be tiresome to always just be treated as a group rather than separate people.

I know a few people with twins who really don’t like their kids being called ‘the twins’ as again they are two very different people who just happen to be twins. My own kids didn’t even know one set were twins as they are two very different and distinct individuals and their parents wanted them treated in that way rather than always just lumped together.

Yes I think this too. No harm done OP, just apologies and don't do it again. I know it seems a but silly but we all have our 'things'

saraclara · 08/04/2023 07:23

KitKatLove · 08/04/2023 06:28

I don’t know why you’re assuming this has anything to do with gender. They have names and it’s rude not to use them. I’m a twin and being referred to as a collective is infuriating.

There are four of them. Would you really say "would Tom, Harry, William and George like to come round and play tomorrow?" Or " would Tom, Harry, William and George like a drink?"

OP, if her children were a combination of girls and boys, how would you refer to them? Do that.
She's being precious, but it's hardly a difficult problem to resolve.

Advicerequest · 08/04/2023 07:23

i HATE it when people refer to my children as 'the twins' as if they can't be bothered to learn both their names ('the girls' doesn't bother me)

rainbowstardrops · 08/04/2023 07:26

Bloody hell, she sounds awful for making you feel uncomfortable in your own home but why on earth didn't you ask her why, if she's a friend?
I assume this isn't the first time you've all met up together, so what have you called them before and how does she address them?
I wouldn't be inviting her back though.

Sindonym · 08/04/2023 07:27

Gawd. I call my adult male children ‘the boys’. If people are going to start getting offended at make identifying children being called boys they frankly don’t have enough to worry about.

If you were purposefully misgendering then yeah whatever, or if you unknowingly misgendered then an explanation is fair enough but random upset at boys. Nah.