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Original poster

Friend takes offence

268 replies

Booboojump · 08/04/2023 02:49

So one of my friends took major offence to my wording…. She called me out on it and now I’m embarrassed

I invited my friend around this past week with her children via text.

“Would you and the boys like to come over for some lunch and a play in the garden tomorrow, the weather is looking much better”

She has 4 boys, 3 being the same ages as mine. All friendly with each other and get along great

As she came in I used called her children “the boys” would “you boys” like a drink…
she sat down and asked me not to call them “the boys”. I replied a rather embarrassed yeah of course… silence for a few mins then I had start the convo up as it was awkward as hell.

Im terms of gender, im as liberal as they come (sister is a in a same gender relationship and identities as masc) As far as I’m aware all the children identify as the gender they were born as and are typical boys boys.

I would normally message people with multiple children “the girls/boys/children depending of the children's genders rather than writing a full Tom, Dick, Harry and Bob!

I feel awkward now there is tension between us. like I need to watch myself what I say as not to offend!

OP posts:
Advicerequest · 08/04/2023 07:27

Also bizarrely saying 'the twins' gives people this weird (incredibly powerful) mindset that the children are hard to tell apart even though they are fraternal! I've noticed it before and it's really odd.
'girls' doesn't have quite the same power. But I'd prefer people to relate to the children as individuals.
Maybe there's some sort of individuation backstory)

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/04/2023 07:27

@Slitherie , dh’s old aunt - over 80 - still referred to her similar-aged bridge-playing circle as ‘the girls’.

I doubt that anyone thought she was referring to children!

IMO it’s a lot of nonsense, getting steamed up over such things. There are plenty of much more important things to get worked up about.

Limetart · 08/04/2023 07:30

Advicerequest · 08/04/2023 07:27

Also bizarrely saying 'the twins' gives people this weird (incredibly powerful) mindset that the children are hard to tell apart even though they are fraternal! I've noticed it before and it's really odd.
'girls' doesn't have quite the same power. But I'd prefer people to relate to the children as individuals.
Maybe there's some sort of individuation backstory)

Exactly. My twin dgn’s are less alike than most single born db’s.

mamnotmum · 08/04/2023 07:36

Is it maybe not even a gender thing?

Everyone called my sister and I 'the girls' when we were kids.

On cards etc they'd write say 'Brian, Mary and girls' and I used to think why not write our names?!

Personally I'd have said 'oh why' when she said it. Possibly because it's the fashion at the moment to not use gender pronouns or possibly one of 'the boys' doesn't like being referred to as a boy.

Fuckitydoodah · 08/04/2023 07:37

Jeez, some people are hard work. She's being absolutely ridiculous. You have nothing to apologise for or be embarrassed about. She's the one that should feel embarrassed. What a knobhead!

Fenty1 · 08/04/2023 07:39

Your friend is ridiculous. My daughter often has her 3 close friends round at ours and I constantly say things such as "girls would you like a drink?" There is nothing wrong with that. Much easier, as you said, than asking Betty, Beryl, Betsy do you want a drink. Also OP, I would not be asking them round for a nice afternoon of lunch and garden play again!

IfuWannaBmyLover · 08/04/2023 07:40

I can’t be dealing with people who are easily offended.

If the friendship was more of an acquaintance, I would probably keep my distance from now on.

Who knows what the next innocuous thing is that she would be offended by and I like to feel comfortable and free around people I call my friends.

Justalittlebitduckling · 08/04/2023 07:44

That seems very odd, especially when she was a guest in your house, and especially when she didn’t give a reason. I don’t think I’d invite them again.

dittbtdity · 08/04/2023 07:45

LAMPS1 · 08/04/2023 05:39

You said three of the for boys are the same age as your dc. Are they triplets ?
Maybe she feels they don’t each receive enough personal attention…and it’s nothing to do with gender identity ?

Haha - OP has 3 children of various ages, snippy friend has 4 children of various ages, 3 of whom are the same ages as OPs 3 children.

dittbtdity · 08/04/2023 07:46

Kissedbyfire1 · 08/04/2023 07:10

I read that the Princess of Wales doesn’t allow people/staff to refer to her children as “the children”. They must use their names as referring to them as a collective is disrespectful. Perhaps OP’s friend feels the same. Perhaps it’s a “thing”.

How precious 😳

Poppins2016 · 08/04/2023 07:47

Was she specific about context?

I'd say that "would the boys like to come over?" = similar to "would the children like to come over?"

Addressing a group of them "would you boys like a drink?" might be perceived as lumping them them into a group as opposed to recognising them as individuals, similar to how twins often don't like being called 'the twins' and like to be referred to individually.

But for what's it's worth, I have two boys, call them 'boys' and I think she was being a little precious.

suzyscat · 08/04/2023 07:53

In her position I'd be happy someone invited all 4 of her kids over at the same time.

Your friend is perfectly entitled to say her preference but it's not worth ruining the day for. If she's going to be precious and awkward about factual collective nouns for 4 male children she's likely find it will probably be less of an issue in future as people won't be in a hurry to have them back. Life's too short to have people who make you feel tense around.

Cherryblossomtreesforever · 08/04/2023 07:53

I think we all have different things that we are conscious of.

I once knew a lady who had four boys.
She confided in me that it got her down when people drew attention to the fact she had all boys (she desperately wanted a daughter, and made no secret of it, but obviously loved her boys and was proud of them).

For her, people (even complete strangers) would make comments "Wow! Four boys! That didn't turn out right did it!" or "I bet you wanted a girl!"
I witnessed people saying this to her and felt for her.

In that respect I can see where your friend is coming from, although clearly you didn't mean anything by it. In your case you were just saying it as in "the children/ the girls/ the cats....."

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/04/2023 07:55

What a thing to complain about 🙄 I use the phrasing the boys to refer to my son and his cousins when I have them all. I'm not going to use their names all the time when asking them things as a group.

LSSG · 08/04/2023 07:57

TomatoSandwiches · 08/04/2023 03:06

She sounds like hard work, no need to be embarrassed you said nothing wrong.

This x a million. I couldn't be bothered with this whatsoever, just unnecessarily combative after you invited them all into your home.

Coffeetree · 08/04/2023 07:58

People imputing a lot!

If she's an old friend just ask her with curiosity rather than getting all defensive.

Just guessing: I've heard some people bristle at a group of siblings being called "the kids" or whatever, like they'd prefer to be referred to as individuals. It doesn't bother me personally but I get it.

beAsensible1 · 08/04/2023 07:58

RoseGoldEagle · 08/04/2023 04:25

It could be that she wanted a daughter and the constant mention of ‘the boys’ irritates her for that reason (may sound ridiculous but since there are whole forums dedicated to gender disappointment it’s not impossible).

Or it could just be an irritation with the need to refer to their sex at all, they are boys, of course, but it doesn’t really need mentioning any more than you’d say ‘Do the brown haired kids want a drink?’ if they all had brown hair. I read something on our attitudes to sex/gender a while ago, and it highlighted how we do this from a young age, it’s ‘Right girls come and do this, ok you boys go over there’, Rather than just ‘you kids’, and that it’s a constant reinforcement to our kids that their sex is one of the most important things about them (and apparently this can feed into gender inequality down the line). Not saying I necessarily agree but I thought it was interesting, and it has made me notice more how often we do this without thinking in situations where mentioning the child’s sex has no bearing on anything, so I just wonder if she’s coming at it from this angle.

this is it i think. And generally grouping them by gender so they start having hang ups about how they have to behave and who they should play with.

especially at certain ages kids can get hung up about being around or playing with the opposite sex so maybe she's trying to dempahsise those sort of things

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 08/04/2023 07:59

Why didn't you ask her?

mrsbitaly · 08/04/2023 08:00

I don't see the harm in it but I don't think it's a gender issue it's more because her children are individuals and she doesn't want them to be lumped into one name 'boys'.

I completely get though it seems ridiculous to name them all individually when offering a drink. So maybe just next time say who would like a drink.

It's awkward, but try not let it affect your friendship because of the embarrassment of being called out on something like this

JennyJenny8675309 · 08/04/2023 08:03

You can play her game too. Next time call them the lads, then fellows, dudes, guys, little men and so on. Irritate the hell out of this insufferable “friend”.

Goodread1 · 08/04/2023 08:04

The allmost constantly triggered offended need to be like this , to honour the memory of supreme mortal being who once walked the wondrous world 🌎 known as Earth,
Known as Mary Whitehouse

They are the essence the spiritual off spring of The Mary Whitehouse school of Thinking from 70s and 80s era,

These off spring of the allmost offended by constantly Anything are channelling this supreme mortal being of intellectual visionary who was clearly ahead of her time, even though 🙄 she didn't look it,like David Bowie did,

Yah Long may her memory live on, it will sure do as we make a pledge to everlasting in her memory and celebration of her life, the supreme being that was and allways will be in our mind Mary Whitehouse

loobylou10 · 08/04/2023 08:07

What an absolute load of tosh. Actually stop the world I want to get off.

Sux2buthen · 08/04/2023 08:10

She probably meant just ask them individually instead of as a group.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 08/04/2023 08:10

It’s a small request but it’s things like that which add up into someone being a pain to be around and hard work.

I don’t get why you didn’t just ask the issue. If you’re friends then surely she’d just explain.

So what are you going to call them now? Children? Guys?

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 08/04/2023 08:12

I’m with those who think it’s nothing to do with gender and everything to do with individual identities.

Family who have twins were very clear that they were never to be referred to as such when they were babies. Thought it was a bit wank at the time but reading this it’s clearly more common than I thought.

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