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Original poster

Mum taken stepdaughters birthday present.

223 replies

Whybotherwithaname · 07/04/2023 22:45

Name changed as outing and posting for traffic.

Late last year it was my stepdaughters 16th birthday. Her main present from DH and I was a Tiffany necklace - the standard dog tag pendant one - she loved it and wore it every day until around Christmas. Since then she's not worn it - no big deal at all, however, tonight over dinner she said her mum has taken the necklace and wears it everyday, has done since the start of the year. She said she has asked for it back several times but said her mum made a joke saying now you know how frustrating it is when you use my makeup and trainers. She says she sleeps with it on so can't just take it back and has given up.

I feel sad about it to be honest. What do you think can be done about this? It's not right to have her special birthday present taken away from her like this.

OP posts:
Bizyboo · 09/04/2023 18:05

I think that’s disgusting it’s not her necklace the mother has no right taking it

Dibbydoos · 09/04/2023 18:28

What a lovely present!

It's still hers, not her mums, so hopefully her mum will come to her senses and hand it back.

Your DH did the right thing in asking, its in the open now, but his ex justifying it by suggesting borrowing anything is the same is ridiculous.

Leave it with your DSS to get it back, you can't interfere. Your DSS can ask your DH for support if dgd needs it and her plans fail.

Your DH's ex sounds like a very nice parent (not)....

Mmpip · 09/04/2023 18:37

You seem like a lovely step parent...Your SD is very lucky to have you in her life ❤

stevec711 · 09/04/2023 19:01

You could shame the wicked mother by making her actions known, but she might then take her anger out on the girl.

CrazyLadie · 09/04/2023 19:08

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/04/2023 23:17

Someone could easily reduce child support and buy her another one.

This!!! If DH pays child support message her and tell her she will be the cost of a Tiffany necklace unless she returns her necklace, ffs she has literally stol n her child 16thpresent what kind of AH does that?

AnnieSnap · 09/04/2023 19:09

BartsLongLostBro · 08/04/2023 00:22

The DD would take it back if she was bothered.

How would she do that since her mother sleeps in it?

ElleMD80 · 09/04/2023 19:14

Girls will borrow their mother’s stuff. They just do. If you never did, what a good kid you were! But most do. And yes, ‘borrowing’ turns into ‘nicking’ because they forget where they put it or are careless. It’s irritating and frustrating. Just like a lot of things to do with teenagers. A present for a sixteenth birthday is special, you don’t take that away. I’d suggest they upgrade the £240 necklace to the £530 one.

Ilovecleaning · 09/04/2023 19:14

If you can afford it buy her a replacement necklace and let the mother know.

Disgustipated · 09/04/2023 19:18

Years ago I had the same. I gave dsd a Ruby pendant for her 16th. Later I saw her wearing it at her prom and said it was lovely she’d worn it. She said she’d borrowed it from her mum. I reminded gently I’d got it for her 16th, she was blank and repeated it was definitely her mums. It was awkward!
I was 100% sure, it was distinctive and it was a clear photo- plus she was under the impression I’d given her nothing!
In the end I let it go for the greater peace.

ItchycooParkCult · 09/04/2023 19:45

Whybotherwithaname · 08/04/2023 10:18

Thanks for the many replies.

Just to clarify...

Not going to call the police over this.

Not going to reduce maintenance over this as DH pays via CSA.

Dsd could be lying, but hasn't lied about something like this before so hard to tell.

DH did not text all guns blazing. He asked if what dsd had said was true. Dsd was angry at her mums lol response and she said she text her back last night asking why she denied it - her mum did not respond.

Dsd said she's going to ask her mum for the necklace back in front of her grandparents to see if that works.

Her mum doesn't have form for doing this. She's never done anything like this before so of course we need to keep an open mind that dsd could be exaggerating.

Thanks again all

No previous form could just mean the mum hasn’t wanted anything of the daughters before. Doesn’t mean there isn’t form just there wasn’t an opportunity because there wasn’t anything she fancied.

plus it’s an expensive present. A coveted brand.

im wondering if she’s pissed off behind the scenes you’ve marked the 16th birthday with something that could be considered an heirloom item. Something the daughter could pass on to her own child iyswim and she did nothing like that for her daughter and is sour about it so took it for herself.

or she’s taken it because she’s been pissed she never got a gift like that from her ex.

it smacks of sour grapes to me more than anything else.

Laisydaisy · 09/04/2023 19:58

OP - I love that you have stayed so calm and evenhanded in dealing with this with your DH, with your DSD and when you write about her mum. I think you sound like a great stepmother! And that’s not always an easy thing to manage. Lucky them!⭐️

MRSsqueak · 09/04/2023 20:24

your DH needs to go to the house and confront his ex about the necklace. and if i were him i would make sure she handed it over and then i would give it back to her myself. I can imagine my dad would have had a few choice words if my mum had done this to me when i was that age. its not normal. she is a thief and should be treated as one.

Mrsgreen100 · 09/04/2023 20:40

The poor girl she has to live with her mother, drop it , it will just make her life more difficult.
I have just been defrauded by my ex partner of 25 years he had been stealing from me for years , including a very large sum I had stashed away for my 20 year old .
the police have enough on him to arrest him
but I have seen the effect of knowing who her father really is has had a con man and a thief
it’s easy to see the right and wrong of these
things
but ultimately it’s about the wellbeing of the child , making great plans to get back the necklace or it’s vaule is just going to cause more pain
drop it

sadsack78 · 09/04/2023 20:43

I think you're handling it well. What the mum is doing is gross, shitty behaviour but fanning the flames over it would only lead to more bitterness and her accusing you of trying to interfere in her and you sd's relationship.

I'm sorry for you and your poor sd. The mum sounds like she could be a narcissist like my mum or my sil- no shame about taking other people's nice things because they feel like they are special and it should be theirs and it's there for the taking so why not? shameless.

I think it's best if your DH is the one who steps in if necessary.

SaponificationQueen · 09/04/2023 20:48

DifficultBloodyWoman · 08/04/2023 00:32

Shouldn’t steal from your child then!

Show quote history

My thoughts exactly. She should have to pay for it if she’s going to steal it. If she’s worried about the bills, she just has to return the necklace. She sounds like a terrible mum.

321user123 · 09/04/2023 20:48

Whybotherwithaname · 07/04/2023 22:47

Sorry, I thought I had added that in my OP. DH text her tonight about it and her response was "lol" then no further response.

Show quote history

WHAT THE FUDGE????

I’d say for you directly to stay out of it (as in no first hand confrontation) and DH to call or have a more threatening tone to his request if she’s not cooperating.

Something like : I want to see daughter back with the necklace tomorrow or else.. (idk what else might be as we don’t know much of the background).

But how grabby of her ew.

wentworthinmate · 09/04/2023 21:01

As much as that would piss me off right royally, best you stay out of it OP. It could well blow up into something huge. She’s a nasty thief and at least you know that and she knows you know.

HowcanIhelp123 · 09/04/2023 21:03

Does your DH have any form of relationship with the grandparents? He could contact them saying he got dsd the necklace and mum has taken it for herself, dsd is upset but ex isn't responsive to him talking to her so could they? Maybe with a comment that its disappointing a mother would take her childs special present like that.

Hopefully they will be appauled enough to confront her or at least ask dsd what's been going on.

SnacksRLife · 09/04/2023 21:03

Whybotherwithaname · 07/04/2023 22:47

Sorry, I thought I had added that in my OP. DH text her tonight about it and her response was "lol" then no further response.

Show quote history

I saw this and said out loud, ‘bitch what you lol’ing about!’, not sure I could have stopped myself from sending this back. She has stolen something precious from her daughter, she ain’t no parent.

JudgeJ · 09/04/2023 21:11

or she’s taken it because she’s been pissed she never got a gift like that from her ex.

Why do so many people try to justify this theft? With what this says about her personality it's not surprising that her ex didn't buy her a similar gift, she probably never deserved it. More likely he wasn't in the same position financially as he is now.

OhwhyOY · 09/04/2023 21:12

Is there any chance she's still interested in your DP and is potentially fantasising that it's her necklace he bought for her (whilst obviously knowing that's not true). So basically jealous of her daughter having something nice from him? Either way, I think he needs to go round there and stand up for his daughter and tell her in no uncertain terms this is theft and she needs to give it back right now. If your DSD does manage to get it back perhaps she can keep it at your house so it's safe for her to wear when she wants without her mother taking it again. What kind of a mother would do that, how sad.

321user123 · 09/04/2023 21:14

flutterbyebaby · 08/04/2023 13:37

Ever thought that your dsd had not been looking after the necklace and just leaving it anywhere, so mum's confiscated it until she learns to look after it?

And wear it daily, including to bed, in the process of confiscation? 😆

321user123 · 09/04/2023 21:15

LizzieW1969 · 08/04/2023 13:39

And it isn’t really just an issue between the mum and her DD when the stepmum and her DH gave the necklace to her as a present!

This and it can’t be between mum and daughter when there is a clear imbalance of power in the relationship.

justasking111 · 09/04/2023 21:50

My mother would have pull a stunt like this. It's doesn't bode well for their future relationship. What a nasty thing to do to your own child

DemonSpawn · 09/04/2023 22:02

Contact the police. This is theft.