Mum taken stepdaughters birthday present.

[Whybotherwithaname]

Name changed as outing and posting for traffic.

Late last year it was my stepdaughters 16th birthday. Her main present from DH and I was a Tiffany necklace - the standard dog tag pendant one - she loved it and wore it every day until around Christmas. Since then she's not worn it - no big deal at all, however, tonight over dinner she said her mum has taken the necklace and wears it everyday, has done since the start of the year. She said she has asked for it back several times but said her mum made a joke saying now you know how frustrating it is when you use my makeup and trainers. She says she sleeps with it on so can't just take it back and has given up.

I feel sad about it to be honest. What do you think can be done about this? It's not right to have her special birthday present taken away from her like this.

Child maintenance covers gifts too? Jesus.

I think "teaching her a lesson" is much less likely to be the motivation, it sounds like an excuse here. People tend not to wear jewellery unless they really like it. I think the mother saw it, wanted it and took it.
My mother used to do things like this and when challenged was completely unbothered. She thought of her children as possessions rather than people and by extension any of our property was hers. Makes me cross thinking about it!

I wonder if she's lost it and didn't want to say, or has given it to her mum?

True.
When I was a teen my aunt bought me a little make up compact thing with eyeshadow one side and mirror the other for Christmas.
Shortly after Christmas, my mum took it, broke it in half, kept the mirror half for her handbag and put the makeup half back in my room.

When I complained, my dad told me off for being rude because, and I quote "your mum never has anything for herself"

This. Might well be that the mum is fed up of daughter taking stuff and is teaching her a lesson. Your DH needs to approach it from that angle asking if that’s why she’s doing it and to reinforce the ‘no taking’ rule with his daughter. My mum would not have been ok with me helping myself to her stuff without asking.

Is type necklace big enough to be engraved? Id ask for it back to get dc initial engraved on the back if possible.

I would offer to buy the daughter another one and see her response - if she is not keen than it’s likely she didn’t like it and gave it to her mother - if she is enthusiastic but her another and either swallow the cost or deduct from childcare payments.

I suspect the answer lies in her taking her mums stuff, and perhaps her mum trying to teach her why this is wrong. Kids shouldn’t be taking things from anyone else without asking and do need to know it’s not acceptable.
it’s going to be difficult to find out as there’s obviously a lot of bad feeling between the 2 parents.

What did DSD say when you asked her about the trainers and make up?

For me the answer would lie somewhere in the middle I'd think.

I don't agree with mum taking the necklace per se but I'd get why she did it if it was a warning that that would be the consequence of her DD kept taking her stuff without permission.

Teenagers are often their own worst enemies and won't heed boundaries and warnings until they suffer the threatened consequences.

But I'd expect her mum to have given a target for her to meet to get it back.

You can't deduct the cost of gifts from child maintenance payments (I assume that is what you mean?) especially when they are arranged through the Child Maintenance Service (CMS, that used to be CSA).

That way madness lies.

I'd stay out of it.

If she asks for your opinion on what she should do I'd say maybe ask in front of grandparents or tell her mum how upset she is.

But you and your husband are better leaving it between her and her mother.

It's between them. She probably doesn't care. Easy come, easy go. Very expensive present.

That is abusive and spiteful behaviour. It would make me wonder what other cruelty and nastiness is going on. I think your DH should apply for full custody. This girl should not be under the csre of this awful woman.

And I third these scenarios. I inherited a lot of money when my mother's first husband died (not my dad) and she claimed he only did that because he meant the money for her (and young dumb me handed it over).

I think you DSD's mum saw the necklace (am I right that it's one that's around £500?) and felt like she should have something lovely and expensive to wear. I think the borrowing make-up comment is to cover herself because why would you go to sleep with it if it was a "lesson" in respecting property? You'd lock it away/hide it somewhere.

I actually think it's really really weird to also be wearing an expensive gift while you sleep that your exDH and his new wife bought for someone else...

Police aren't going to be interested in this.

Theft is a crime. Your DH is the child's father, it is fine for him to intervene on his child's behalf. He needs to tell the mother that unless it is returned the theft will be reported to the police, then if necessary accompany daughter to report at police station.

Your second post is excellent, OP. I like your DSD’s plan for challenging her mum in front of her grandparents. That doesn’t sound like a plan someone who made this situation up would hatch.

At this point I have a strong tendency to believe your DSD but I would still be trying to keep an open mind.

Idk, I feel like the thing about the makeup and trainers is being ignored here. If there actually is an ongoing issue with DSD taking her mum's things then I don't actually think this is that unreasonable. She's her mum, this is discipline. I don't think undermining the message she's trying to teach by buying her another one/going to the police etc is going to be a positive thing.

I would be focusing on whether she has actually been taking her mum's things.

I've just found my missing Benefit mascara and my Chanel dupe perfume in DD's room.

Am off to call the police now

The DD is probably not that bothered about the chain now. Im sure if she were, she would've made her feelings clear to her mum.

Annoying for you though.

But I personally wouldn't buy any teenager an expensive piece of jewellery anyway.

She said she has asked for it back several times but said her mum made a joke saying now you know how frustrating it is when you use my makeup and trainers.

Sounds like her mum is trying to make a point.

How? Did you read the thread? Of course the DD is bothered .

Once you give a gift you have no further domain over it. It belongs to the recipient and is theirs to lend out/sell/chuck in the bin/whatever. Stepdaughter doesn't seem overly bothered from what you say. Probably just got fed up of it and doesn't want to say.

Imagine being such a cunt you'd steal from your own child.

I'm kind of thinking her dad needs to step in & do some active parenting.

How ? Her mother wears it all the time