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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for giving DW an ultimatum to cut out her male friend or face separation?

189 replies

Froaway2023 · 07/04/2023 20:33

I am 43, DW is 39. We have been dating for six years and married for three and a half. She is white, I am a Egyptian Christian (will be relevant later). She does not know what MN is so, I can be frank with details.

Our issue is her male friend of 5+years. Said friend clearly has designs on my partner. In conversation he has (playfully ) confessed to a relaxed and enlightened attitude towards such adulterous relations, albeit in a more abstract context. He is also just a bit too familiar with my wife for my liking, i.e. massaging her shoulder in my presence to which she acquiesced. In the last few months, they have been spending time together i.e. dinner parties, cinema (they share interest in certain things), and other events I cannot make owing to my commitments at work and cleaning up after my alcoholic sister's mess (she has three kids I practically co-parent, they live a mile away, I am there every three days for about an hour). I began to be really bothered when, one night, whilst I was abroad for business, she locked herself out of the house and informed me that she would spend the evening at his. I objected, offering to book a hotel room instead. When she refused, I went ahead and paid, presenting her with a fait accompli. Guess what? She says oh well! Goes to his. When I remonstrated with her I was told this was not the Middle East. She was not my property. Admittedly she apologised for this and bought me gift.

Things came to ahead when on talking with said friend at a dinner party he made mention of a disease I had in early 2000s. I was astonished and hurt by the revelation that she freely shared what was for me a big burden I carried on from a dark time in my life.

This month, I booked a week off from work to recuperate. When she came home, I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum. My terms? To cut off said friend forever, or it was toast. I was off. I even showed her (admittedly fake) housing arrangements I had made should she refuse. Cue a breakdown. Cue tears. Cue apologies. She said has been her friend for 5 years and has been there for her in desperate times. She says she can have a talk with him but by no means will she cut him off.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
LibrariansGiveUsPower · 07/04/2023 20:40

She’s right about one thing, she isn’t your property.

You are threatening separation and showing her fake housing documents, this is horrible and controlling behaviour.

Take a long hard think about how you treat her generally- are you treating her with respect love and care?

Her relationship with this friend sounds overfamiliar, and you need to have a respectful adult conversation about it and resetting boundaries, not a juvenile throwing your toys out of the pram.

Mum2jenny · 07/04/2023 20:43

your wife is her own personality, she is not your property or your pet. Just grow up!!

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 07/04/2023 20:44

You realise that this is a pointless ultimatum? This relationship isn't working of course she will choose her long time friend

MadMadMadamMim · 07/04/2023 20:44

This reply has been deleted

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Theturtlethatcried · 07/04/2023 20:44

You aren’t “co parenting” by spending an hour every three days with your sister’s kids.

I wouldn’t tolerate being told who I could or couldn’t see, my husband not trusting me or being lied to by my husband with fake housing arrangements.

I also wouldn’t tolerate my husband going out with a woman on regular couple type “dates”, sleeping over at her house or allowing someone else to constantly flirt with him - it’s just disrespectful even if it is genuinely completely platonic.

So all in all I’d suggest you are both in the wrong and this probably isn’t going to be a long happy marriage.

IrregularChoiceFan · 07/04/2023 20:44

You'd be out, I wouldn't be told who I could and couldn't be friends with by my partner.

psychDr · 07/04/2023 20:45

It sounds really dodgy to me. I wouldn't be thrilled either if my husband decided to stay overnight at a female friend's house rather than stay at a hotel - especially a female friend who he spent a lot of time with and who was giving him massages in my presence Hmm

WunWun · 07/04/2023 20:48

This sounds like a reverse. But I can see both sides really. Obviously she was fucking disgusting for telling him about the disease.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 07/04/2023 20:48

She's not your property.

Toast.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 07/04/2023 20:49

Oops, sorry. That should read:

You're Toast.

psychDr · 07/04/2023 20:50

You are clearly jealous and possessive - but that's your problem. Not your wife's.

If a woman had posted saying her husband was doing this - staying overnight at a female friend's and allowing said friend to physically massage him in her presence - I'll bet no one would call the OP jealous and possessive for giving him an ultimatum.

Puppalicious · 07/04/2023 20:52

I can’t believe how different the responses to you are compared to what they would be if this was a woman posting about her DH having her shoulder massaged, staying over in his female friends house, telling her very personal info etc…

Hbh17 · 07/04/2023 20:52

She is allowed to have friends, both men and women.
She doesn't have to do what you tell her.
She may well be better off/ happier if she leaves this marriage.

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 07/04/2023 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No British man would be happy with their wife receiving massages, flirting, and an overnight stay. This aspect has nothing to do with culture.

Mummynew08 · 07/04/2023 20:55

I must admit I'm usually one of those mumsnettrrs who is prejudiced against the husband but I really think yanbu OP.

If a woman was massaging my husband in front of me I'd raise eyebrows for sure. If he was locked out he wouldn't stay with a woman who he knew fancied him - he wouldn't want to lead her on.

And if he told anyone about my medical history (I have some distressing past medical experiences, I would describe as medical trauma) - if he told anyone about these behind my back in a gossipy way, let alone a flirty woman, I wouldnt be able to forgive it.

Never mind ultimatums, I can't see how your marriage is salvageable after that particular detail.

Whattt44 · 07/04/2023 20:55

I wouldn't be happy with all the flirting tbh but it's a bit odd showing her fake housing options , why did you do that?

Tellmethespoiler · 07/04/2023 20:55

YABU

psychDr · 07/04/2023 20:55

Puppalicious · 07/04/2023 20:52

I can’t believe how different the responses to you are compared to what they would be if this was a woman posting about her DH having her shoulder massaged, staying over in his female friends house, telling her very personal info etc…

Same.

drpet49 · 07/04/2023 20:56

psychDr · 07/04/2023 20:45

It sounds really dodgy to me. I wouldn't be thrilled either if my husband decided to stay overnight at a female friend's house rather than stay at a hotel - especially a female friend who he spent a lot of time with and who was giving him massages in my presence Hmm

This!

FloydPepper · 07/04/2023 20:56

Post this as a woman whose husband behaved like your wife did. You’ll get much more support

Vegalam · 07/04/2023 20:56

psychDr · 07/04/2023 20:50

You are clearly jealous and possessive - but that's your problem. Not your wife's.

If a woman had posted saying her husband was doing this - staying overnight at a female friend's and allowing said friend to physically massage him in her presence - I'll bet no one would call the OP jealous and possessive for giving him an ultimatum.

100%. Also blaming the cultural difference? Bizarre.

MadMadMadamMim · 07/04/2023 20:58

Where does it say they spent the night together?

OP simply said his wife was going there for the evening. Neither is there any mention of the wife flirting. The OP is suspicious that this man fancies his wife - but there is no evidence of this, or that the wife is interested in her friend in any way other than friendship. And he didn't give her a 'massage'. He rubbed her bad shoulder, for goodness sake.

The OP admits they share interests and that this friend has been there for wife in 'desperate times' It sounds like they were friends before the OP actually met his wife.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 07/04/2023 20:59

psychDr · 07/04/2023 20:50

You are clearly jealous and possessive - but that's your problem. Not your wife's.

If a woman had posted saying her husband was doing this - staying overnight at a female friend's and allowing said friend to physically massage him in her presence - I'll bet no one would call the OP jealous and possessive for giving him an ultimatum.

This with bells on

Frustratedwithbadlegaladviceontheinternet · 07/04/2023 20:59

I wouldn’t be happy with my spouse behaving this way but the ultimatums and controlling responses (eg booking a hotel after she said no) isn’t the answer. I think you need to be open with how you feel and if you can’t agree then walk away.

Cosmos123 · 07/04/2023 21:00

I agree she is not your property but she is also being disrespectful.

Allowing her friend to massage her is just so bizarre.

Her sharing your personal health issues is disgusting.

I think you will be happier going separate ways.