for giving DW an ultimatum to cut out her male friend or face separation?

[Froaway2023]

I am 43, DW is 39. We have been dating for six years and married for three and a half. She is white, I am a Egyptian Christian (will be relevant later). She does not know what MN is so, I can be frank with details.

Our issue is her male friend of 5+years. Said friend clearly has designs on my partner. In conversation he has (playfully ) confessed to a relaxed and enlightened attitude towards such adulterous relations, albeit in a more abstract context. He is also just a bit too familiar with my wife for my liking, i.e. massaging her shoulder in my presence to which she acquiesced. In the last few months, they have been spending time together i.e. dinner parties, cinema (they share interest in certain things), and other events I cannot make owing to my commitments at work and cleaning up after my alcoholic sister's mess (she has three kids I practically co-parent, they live a mile away, I am there every three days for about an hour). I began to be really bothered when, one night, whilst I was abroad for business, she locked herself out of the house and informed me that she would spend the evening at his. I objected, offering to book a hotel room instead. When she refused, I went ahead and paid, presenting her with a fait accompli. Guess what? She says oh well! Goes to his. When I remonstrated with her I was told this was not the Middle East. She was not my property. Admittedly she apologised for this and bought me gift.

Things came to ahead when on talking with said friend at a dinner party he made mention of a disease I had in early 2000s. I was astonished and hurt by the revelation that she freely shared what was for me a big burden I carried on from a dark time in my life.

This month, I booked a week off from work to recuperate. When she came home, I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum. My terms? To cut off said friend forever, or it was toast. I was off. I even showed her (admittedly fake) housing arrangements I had made should she refuse. Cue a breakdown. Cue tears. Cue apologies. She said has been her friend for 5 years and has been there for her in desperate times. She says she can have a talk with him but by no means will she cut him off.

Thoughts?

This is disgusting. Please don’t come on a women’s site and throw about this kind of misogyny.

YANBU. I don't think you handled it that well, with the ultimatum and fake documents, but you seem at the end of your tether with it, and that's fair. I don't think this is about having a problem with your partner having a good friend of the opposite sex, it's about him deliberately pushing boundaries and your DW letting him. She is disrespecting you and your relationship, as is he. And the sharing of a medical issue on her part is really awful. If she cannot see a problem with any of what she's done, or let him do, then you are better off without her.

You are fundamentally incompatible imo. She wants a level of autonomy that you find unacceptable, and she finds that controlling (as wouold FWIW).

The marriage is doomed and the sooner you put it out of its misery the better.

Even then, some posters would find a way to make that your fault. Try and ignore the extremists.

most people understand your position, and support you. Yes there are bits you could have handled better but it’s upsetting to be treated the way you have.

Why do people stay and stomp their feet and demand they are right in a bad situation.

Just leave. It doesn't matter who is 'right', there are no prizes or medals being awarded.

You don't trust each other. You're bringing out the worst in you.

Break up. Wish her well. Move on.

You won't ever get the validation you're seeking.

This, with bells and whistles on.

OP, please ignore the anti-men brigade on here. Best of luck.

You've given your ultimatum and she's chosen her friend.

You now have to follow through and end the marriage.

That's the thing with ultimatums - if you do it as a control tactic rather than only when you genuinely face a deal-breaker, your control tactic fails completely the first time the person you are trying to control doesn't agree to your terms, yet you still stay.

So - was it a control tactic or a deal-breaker? YOU decide!

It's great that you have no kids together.

I'd just get rid of her.

You can do better.

(As for dropping your female friends - you shouldn't have had to have done that; as long as you were acting appropriately towards them. She is not acting appropriately with him - massages in front of you, him relaying he's up for cheating with attached women, her telling him vulnerable, personal info about you, etc).

Completely agree. If this was someone’s husband everyone would be outraged at their behaviour.

OP, there’s something very suspicious about your wife locking herself out of the house while you were away. It sounds very convenient. And insisting on staying at her male friends house despite the offer of a hotel is odd.

What’s also odd is you pretending to have made other housing arrangements as part of an ultimatum. It sounds like you need to have a grown up, honest conversation without playing games.

YANBU

your wife is.

YANBU

You probably are not compatible as a couple, you have different morals. You are both allowed to have deal breakers and from here it appears to be be a stalemate. Good luck.

Are you my ex husband?

Honestly? I think your marriage is dead in the water

She isn’t yr property and u can’t control her.
Yr behaviour will push her into the other man’s arms.

Gaslighting men is a real problem on this forum

You're right, it is, and so many of the responses were utterly predictable the moment you said you're a man

FWIW I agree the "fake property" details weren't the best idea and that this is probably doomed anyway, but please don't let anyone tell you the behaviour you've described from her is acceptable. If you were expecting her to cut off a straightforward friend that would be wrong, but from your account this is a lot more than that and not something anyone should be expected to tolerate in a marriage

Never been said to a woman on here with the same situation.....

If the roles were reversed and a man insisted he would not go to hotel, but insisted he'd stay at a female friends he likes getting massages from, you'd honestly say the same.

A woman would be told to LTB. What alternatives does the OP have? Giving orders isn't a good way to maintain a loving marriage, is it?

She’s right, this isn’t the Middle East, you don’t own your wife. Who the bloody hell do you think you are? I hope she sacks you off.

Typical playing a totally irrelevant race card more like.

PP are disagreeing with you because you are a controlling & sexist, not because you are Egyptian.

HTH

Spectacular drip-feed. Well done.

So you’ve known and been dating/married to this woman for LONGER than she’s known him.

therein lies the rub. I could (almost) understand if she’d known this guy forever/since school etc, but this is a new relationship that’s really blurring the boundaries and most critically SHES not doing enough or indeed anything to put those boundaries in place

i also believe that she’s using your background as a reverse method of control of what you’re supposed to bear.

I lived in Egypt, have lived under the Egyptian Muslim “rule” and it’s utter shut. I know Copts- decent ones - who don’t believe in the control stuff, and allow each other space, freedom and trust in the relationship

he’s not backing off and he knows what he’s doing, you know this. They’re all trying to make you into the male equivalent of Cool Wife, but none of this is cool.

im not a fan of ultimatums as it’s too much PA control, but I am a fan of boundaries and I do think it’s important to explain to your dw exactly what’s going on with him and how his behaviour and hers is damaging your marriage

it’s not about you being possessive or over sensitive, it really isn’t. She is being outrageously disrespectful

The PP I responded to, did not say LTB. Just loads of shit about

u can't control her coz , she isn't ye property.

So I don't understand your response?

@Coyoacan

Or if her dh had a female friend and he was massaging her in front of DW, had told this friend all about DW’s personal medical history, made up some story about having locked himself out of the house and insisted on staying with the female friend even though an acceptable alternative was available? It would be LTB all the way.