for giving DW an ultimatum to cut out her male friend or face separation?

[Froaway2023]

I am 43, DW is 39. We have been dating for six years and married for three and a half. She is white, I am a Egyptian Christian (will be relevant later). She does not know what MN is so, I can be frank with details.

Our issue is her male friend of 5+years. Said friend clearly has designs on my partner. In conversation he has (playfully ) confessed to a relaxed and enlightened attitude towards such adulterous relations, albeit in a more abstract context. He is also just a bit too familiar with my wife for my liking, i.e. massaging her shoulder in my presence to which she acquiesced. In the last few months, they have been spending time together i.e. dinner parties, cinema (they share interest in certain things), and other events I cannot make owing to my commitments at work and cleaning up after my alcoholic sister's mess (she has three kids I practically co-parent, they live a mile away, I am there every three days for about an hour). I began to be really bothered when, one night, whilst I was abroad for business, she locked herself out of the house and informed me that she would spend the evening at his. I objected, offering to book a hotel room instead. When she refused, I went ahead and paid, presenting her with a fait accompli. Guess what? She says oh well! Goes to his. When I remonstrated with her I was told this was not the Middle East. She was not my property. Admittedly she apologised for this and bought me gift.

Things came to ahead when on talking with said friend at a dinner party he made mention of a disease I had in early 2000s. I was astonished and hurt by the revelation that she freely shared what was for me a big burden I carried on from a dark time in my life.

This month, I booked a week off from work to recuperate. When she came home, I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum. My terms? To cut off said friend forever, or it was toast. I was off. I even showed her (admittedly fake) housing arrangements I had made should she refuse. Cue a breakdown. Cue tears. Cue apologies. She said has been her friend for 5 years and has been there for her in desperate times. She says she can have a talk with him but by no means will she cut him off.

Thoughts?

*meant to add, a female friend who made it clear she wasn’t averse to shagging other men’s husbands.

Other WOMEN’s husbands.

I love my DH, I’d never cheat on him, he’s my world, my best friend, my soul mate. You get the idea…

if he gave me an ultimatum, “it’s me or a random friend you like” that absolutely would be the end of us! I’m not his property.

You sound passive aggressive, dominating, nasty etc.

Dont blame her or her friend that you’ve driven her away from fir walking away from an abuser.

You most be OP's wife's boyfriend.

Because men from the Middle East aren't allowed to take issue with their wife's awful behaviour, and e-commerce on your end.

Oh fudge, autocorrect at it again.

There's definitely no prejudice on your end, pp.

He's be well rid if you're happy having massages and staying the night instead of at a hotel.

Good luck to him!

Do you have anything to say about the wife and her friend's completely inappropriate behaviour, or are you conveniently ignoring that like so many other MNetters? Good grief. 🙄

I wouldn't stand for being told who I can and cannot be friends with.

That being said, your wife is behaving totally inappropriately so I don't think you are in the wrong for being put out about that.

I agree with @FloydPepper . You should have said it was your husband taking liberties and betraying confidences about your health.

If you had then I imagine most respondents would advise you not to issue an ultimatum. Stop poncing about and just LTB would be the common view.

Read the responses thinking exactly this. If a woman had posted her husband had a friend or colleague and did half the things listed people would be all on the leave him side, he isn't good enough etc. I do think men and women can be friends but I do think this particular friendship is getting a bit too comfortable and familiar and if it doesn't end it needs serious adjustment so both parties can feel comfortable...

Oh I know your DH, he loves a massage doesn't he? Stayed over at mine, rather than at a hotel, loved the comfy bed I gave him, fancy you trying to get him to go to a hotel...

By the way sorry about your medical issues, I hope it can be sorted soon.

My thoughts? Hopefully you're divorced by now I know this is an old post.

I think it's absolutely insane she stayed the night there and I would have ended it right then and there.

In fact I'd have ended it much before that, guy rubbing your wives shoulder in front of you?.Your wife is disrespecting you.

If you trust your wife then none of this would matter. This is why I say your marriage is over anyway, and she should bail - you very clearly don't trust her.

My dh would trust me to go sleep at a close male friend's house if I'd locked myself out while he wasaway.

Why don't you trust your wife?

Exactly that. Poor OP is a male going in cold to MN! This network, or its crowd rather, needs to have a hard think on their biases.

OP, you are not being unreasonable. If we ignore your conversations techniques for a moment, I.e. spreadable news, you are right to demand boundaries.

I disagree with those who support the level of liberty your wife has taken with her sleeping over. This is bold and nothing to do with female liberalism. This is disrespectful to your relationship if she knows ii is important to you.

I think your wife has enjoyed your patience for a long time. She sounds selfish and naive. Sorry.