for giving DW an ultimatum to cut out her male friend or face separation?

[Froaway2023]

I am 43, DW is 39. We have been dating for six years and married for three and a half. She is white, I am a Egyptian Christian (will be relevant later). She does not know what MN is so, I can be frank with details.

Our issue is her male friend of 5+years. Said friend clearly has designs on my partner. In conversation he has (playfully ) confessed to a relaxed and enlightened attitude towards such adulterous relations, albeit in a more abstract context. He is also just a bit too familiar with my wife for my liking, i.e. massaging her shoulder in my presence to which she acquiesced. In the last few months, they have been spending time together i.e. dinner parties, cinema (they share interest in certain things), and other events I cannot make owing to my commitments at work and cleaning up after my alcoholic sister's mess (she has three kids I practically co-parent, they live a mile away, I am there every three days for about an hour). I began to be really bothered when, one night, whilst I was abroad for business, she locked herself out of the house and informed me that she would spend the evening at his. I objected, offering to book a hotel room instead. When she refused, I went ahead and paid, presenting her with a fait accompli. Guess what? She says oh well! Goes to his. When I remonstrated with her I was told this was not the Middle East. She was not my property. Admittedly she apologised for this and bought me gift.

Things came to ahead when on talking with said friend at a dinner party he made mention of a disease I had in early 2000s. I was astonished and hurt by the revelation that she freely shared what was for me a big burden I carried on from a dark time in my life.

This month, I booked a week off from work to recuperate. When she came home, I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum. My terms? To cut off said friend forever, or it was toast. I was off. I even showed her (admittedly fake) housing arrangements I had made should she refuse. Cue a breakdown. Cue tears. Cue apologies. She said has been her friend for 5 years and has been there for her in desperate times. She says she can have a talk with him but by no means will she cut him off.

Thoughts?

Because I'm a the 6th of 7th in a typical coptic Egyptian middle class household ie a born pushover who despite my large frame, regular boxing and mandatory military service, systematically avoids confrontation. I am tired of my calm demeanour being used as license to abuse me. I've even fallen with my next door neighbours over their trees encroaching on my shed.

The more I think about it, it's even worse than that. It's lumping together the while middle east in a prejudiced way when there are lots of different cultures and norms. It would be like my DH saying to me "we aren't in Asia" in a scornful way during an argument. I'm from one certain part of Asia yes but that doesn't determine all my opinions or behaviour.

So yeah... yanbu

Hi, similar situation. I am white and he was the respectful asian guy with high family values and standards that white people.don't hold! He run away with his south asian 'friend' and I was being unreasonable crazy, because of course south asians don't cheat hand have ztrong family values! Sorry your wife has plans or at least an interest in him. Totally unreasonable to go for a sleepover at her male friend's house. It is not a matter of if but when for you, sorry you deserve better.

An hour doesnt include the constant phone calls and school meetings. Or bailing the elder one out of jail. Or trying to keep him our of gangs. The hour there includes getting them to shower (they dont do so frequently) hissy fits etc.

She's taking you for a mug, mate.

And to make it worse, this isn't some school friend she's known for 20 years, your timeliness suggest she only met him after you two began dating.

Your biggest mistake on this thread was admitting to being a man, you were never gonna get a fair hearing after that.

Your behaviour is controlling , abusive and manipulative. YABU.

lmao at the idea that you are “coparenting” children you see for a hour every three days. What do you suppose is happening for them the other 165.5 hours in a week?

Well done for helping with your sister’s kids, what a lovely uncle.
you don’t own your wife and you can’t choose her friends however it’s unacceptable for him to be massaging her, discussing possible affairs and for her to Be spending the night at his house.
she doesn’t have to cut him off completely but you do need to tell her she has to prove to you by her behaviour that nothing is going on between them

Why are so many threads atm with 'guess what?' in the middle of them?

You both sound as bad as each other. Don't threaten to dump if it's just for manipulation and control. Just get on with it and go your seperate ways.

I agree with this.
I would never spend time and throw the friendship in the face of my Dh if the friend was openly making overtures of wanting an affair and interfering with my marriage.
She is being disrespectful of your feelings, but threats are not the way forward.
Time to move out and dissolve this marriage.

Yeah you guys just need to break up. Nothing about any of this is healthy.

Wtf am I reading?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. On what planet are these posters existing where this man massages your wife while she laps it up, in front of you... And you're the bad guy?!

The booking the hotel room was not controlling. At all. She conveniently at a time when you were abroad, locked herself out. And the only solution she was interested in, was staying at his. You simply gave her a perfectly acceptable alternative, yet she chose to sleep over at "massage man's". She then deflects and quite disgustingly attacks your culture, because she can't think of another reason why she can't use the hotel. I bet her keys miraculously turned up, no locksmith was needed.

No respectful, honest, decent partner, male or female, would behave like this.

Oh mate she is taking the piss right out of you. Utter lack of respect towards your relationship.

If you'd posted as a woman you'd have got completely different responses and less borderline racism.

Your wife has made it clear where her loyalty lies, and it isn't with you. This man is not just her "friend", and his and her behaviour has been totally unacceptable.

She's playing you for a fool. Keep your dignity, stop making stupid threats, and just end this sham of a marriage.

it sounds like it might be time to call it a day

You cannot tell your partner to cut their friend off, and neither can you tell your partner they can’t stay overnight at a friend’s house. This is controlling behaviour. Faking a house you will move to when you threaten separation is manipulative.

But equally, allowing a platonic opposite sex friend to massage your shoulder in front of a husband who you know isn’t keen on him is disrespectful.

What’s telling is you don’t talk about you and your wife’s relationship at all. Do you get on when you spend time together? Do you like and love her?

You need to either call it a day or have some serious talks - and probably counselling. You will have to accept it isn’t all your wife’s fault if you try this route. Apart from the above, I am guessing she will have some complaints about the amount of time your sister sucks from you.

Don’t let this go on and on - get to a conclusion.

Her behaviour isn't appropriate. A married women spending that much time with another man isn't right.
She's right she isn't your property but YANBU to be upset by her behaviour.

She’s taking you for a mug, how would she feel if a female friend was as close to you as she is to him or if you stayed over night at a woman’s house,I’m sure she would be livid!

no she isn’t your property but it’s called respect in a relationship and boundaries should be in place.

I think you’ve both behaved badly. Match made in hell.

Your problem is trust. You don't trust her, therefore you've got nothing.

What do you mean it’s not controlling, and he “simply gave her a perfectly acceptable alternative”?!
she already told him where she was staying and it wasn’t in a hotel. Booking the hotel against her express wishes was highly controlling and manipulative behaviour: she’s an adult and entitled to make her own decisions about where she stays. Nothing weird or wrong whatsoever about choosing to stay in with a friend rather than in a hotel.

YANBU, there are obviously reasons that you are uncomfortable with her behaviour towards him and his towards her. I’d be really upset if my partner behaved like this.

I think the responses you’d get from the people saying you are being controlling etc would be wildly different if this was posted by a woman about her husband.

If you were a woman posting by now you would have been informed your partner is having an emotional affair and you need to leave or at least consider relationship counselling.

Nothing weird or wrong whatsoever about choosing to stay in with a friend rather than in a hotel.

I think we can safely disregard your opinion as you haven't read the OP's posts. At all.

I'd leave, there's no way this behaviour is acceptable! She should at least be telling her friend he is overstepping boundaries!

No idea why you think that . I’ve read all of them.

You will 100% happier out of this relationship.

You will be miserable and deeply unhappy also unable to trust if you remain.

Life is too short. There is someone out there who will be your soul mate.

She isn't that person and nor are you hers.

WALK AWAY DONT WASTE EMOTIONALLY ENERGY ON THIS RELATIONSHIP.

YOU ARE WASTING YOUR PRCIOUS YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.

It will be best for you both.

She won't change and nor will you.