for giving DW an ultimatum to cut out her male friend or face separation?

[Froaway2023]

I am 43, DW is 39. We have been dating for six years and married for three and a half. She is white, I am a Egyptian Christian (will be relevant later). She does not know what MN is so, I can be frank with details.

Our issue is her male friend of 5+years. Said friend clearly has designs on my partner. In conversation he has (playfully ) confessed to a relaxed and enlightened attitude towards such adulterous relations, albeit in a more abstract context. He is also just a bit too familiar with my wife for my liking, i.e. massaging her shoulder in my presence to which she acquiesced. In the last few months, they have been spending time together i.e. dinner parties, cinema (they share interest in certain things), and other events I cannot make owing to my commitments at work and cleaning up after my alcoholic sister's mess (she has three kids I practically co-parent, they live a mile away, I am there every three days for about an hour). I began to be really bothered when, one night, whilst I was abroad for business, she locked herself out of the house and informed me that she would spend the evening at his. I objected, offering to book a hotel room instead. When she refused, I went ahead and paid, presenting her with a fait accompli. Guess what? She says oh well! Goes to his. When I remonstrated with her I was told this was not the Middle East. She was not my property. Admittedly she apologised for this and bought me gift.

Things came to ahead when on talking with said friend at a dinner party he made mention of a disease I had in early 2000s. I was astonished and hurt by the revelation that she freely shared what was for me a big burden I carried on from a dark time in my life.

This month, I booked a week off from work to recuperate. When she came home, I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum. My terms? To cut off said friend forever, or it was toast. I was off. I even showed her (admittedly fake) housing arrangements I had made should she refuse. Cue a breakdown. Cue tears. Cue apologies. She said has been her friend for 5 years and has been there for her in desperate times. She says she can have a talk with him but by no means will she cut him off.

Thoughts?

In all honesty, if she was having an affair with this man and didn't want you to find out she would have told you that she would gladly take the hotel room to put you off the scent.

either way, youre clearly not compatible. Stop trying to control her and call the relationship a day.

How do you know she doesn't know about Mumsnet?

Personally I would say that SHE does know about it.

This is a really tough one. If my husband was hanging around with a female friend, going on what I would call dates and having an ‘accidental’ sleep over then I’d be pretty upset and would assume he is having an affair. Like you, I would ask him to cut all contact for the sake of the marriage. You have every right to question what’s going on and ask her to put you first. My only issue is the lying and deception of making up you have somewhere else to stay. She isn’t your property, she can make her own mind up but it feels a little forced to make her stay with you. You don’t want your wife to stay with you because she risks losing everything, you want her to stay with you because she loves you.

/

I would be deeply unhappy if my husband had a female friend with a relationship like the op describes with her male friend.

op’s Description sounds somewhat like the wife is having an emotional affair. If that is the case, op is completely justified in asking for the friendship and all other contact to cease.

if is just a garden variety friendship, that is different and op is unreasonable.

None of this sounds good, however I would not give up a close friend to please anyone, frankly.

Typical racism. The behaviour of my wife would be unacceptable by any standards and I have been backed up in this by almost all my friends (all lily white if that makes you feel better). Back massages? Overnight stays at a friend who confessed to feeling relaxed about f*cking other people's SOs. Am I crazy here?

Thank you. Amazing how the concept of boundaries become non-existent for Mumsnetters. I get the feeling some of these are constantly weighing up their options so they can bail when the chance arises. What make it even worse is I cut our a female friend after she hinted at being jealous (i.e. putting her down in her absence).

You guys are nuts together. Split amicably and go your separate ways. It'll only get worse from here.

OP find someone who's more compatible with you. And hope that she finds hers.

I don't think you are crazy in not liking it no, but I think it's very clear that your OH values this friendship more than her relationship with you

Everyone sucks here and I’m sorry to say you are on a path to divorce. Your relationship is doomed and not just because of this friend.

YANBU.

Typical MN. the first post spares the OP and others follow. You are absolutely not unreasonable, it sounds like a nightmare.

Slates, not spares lol.

Yeah, good to hear you have reasonable people in your life who back you up and don't call you possessive for not wanting to be the third wheel in your own marriage.

YANBU I would not be happy at all if my husband had a female friend who massaged him, flirted with him and slept at her house. I would consider it an emotional affair and would either give him the same ultimatum or just leave him. I'm all for having friends of opposite sexes but this would be too far.

I bet none of the posters giving you a hard time would be happy in your situation either.

The property is issue was a racist red herring. I am a pretty liberal Orthodox Copt, raised by secular mother and a atheist communist father (of palestinian extraction). Religion is Christmas and funerals.

They did spend the night together. Why else would I book a hotel? That was a red line as the bloke is single.

Me neither. It would be all get your ducks in a row blah blah blah.

Double standards.

I get you, OP.

I'm from abroad too. If I was having an argument with my DH and he said, in the argument, "but we're not in [your home country]" I'd be utterly furious. It would be disrespectful to my heritage. She should have made coherent arguments based on logic etc rather than just a vague dig at your origin. I mean, fine to disagree about something as long as you reason it out. But the way she did it sounds prejudiced and rude

yanbu

...owing to my commitments at work and cleaning up after my alcoholic sister's mess (she has three kids I practically co-parent, they live a mile away, I am there every three days for about an hour).

First of all, you spend an hour every three days with these kids, that is not "practically co-parenting." FFS.

Secondly, your marriage is doomed. End it now before you do something stupid like having a baby.

I am pretty sure I wouldn't be happy about this but interesting how she got upset about the property, it sounds like she still loves you. My DH would probably feel the same as you as would many of his friends, they would all describe themselves as liberal men, all in typical middle class jobs where they are mostly rational, reasonable and respectful but there's only one I can think of that may be ok about it, most would be vocal about their upset.

For context, I'm a British woman in my 30s, and I agree with you, OP. It's not acceptable behaviour, considering the friend has made it perfectly clear his intentions. Your wife chose to be married and committed to you, to love and respect you and you her also. She should value your feelings. I don't believe she can not have friends, but this type of friend and this scenario is going to do more harm than good. I don't blame you for giving her an ultimatum, and if she won't choose, then you know where her loyalties lie. Good luck!

She's having an affair. But you're trying to manipulate and control her. Booking her a room when she says not to? Threatening to leave and showing fake documents? Unbelievable. If she's so dreadful, then leave. She'll thank you, you'll be happy.