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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a horse is not comparable to a car

353 replies

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 16:07

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

OP posts:
Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 07/04/2023 16:12

How old are your children? If still the age of family holidays I think you should both think of them.

Ludo19 · 07/04/2023 16:12

I'm jealous OP. I'd love a pony. I'm of no help 🙂

Clariana · 07/04/2023 16:12

Gosh that's a difficult one isn't it?

But if £500 / month is all you have spare after costs and holidays etc it seems only fair that you have half each, rather than you having all the spare money. Can you reduce your pony costs by getting someone to share the pony with you, so that it is only £250 / month then he gets half the spare money?

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 16:13

So you get what what you want and spend 500 a month on yourself bit you're oh can't?

You are def being unreasonable

KrisAkabusi · 07/04/2023 16:13

I'm with your husband on this. They are both luxury items. I can see why you think differently, but that's because of your own experiences.

Whattt44 · 07/04/2023 16:14

A sports car and a pony are both luxuries in my world.

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 16:14

Ludo19 · 07/04/2023 16:12

I'm jealous OP. I'd love a pony. I'm of no help 🙂

I'm incredibly lucky to have him and know it, I never thought I'd have one again when I got children. He's literally my world (apart from the family of course!)

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 07/04/2023 16:14

They are both luxury items.

YABU

Sleeptightnightlight · 07/04/2023 16:15

A pony isn't a necessity though is it? You have an expensive luxury, and he wants the same.

I don't think we have enough info to decide as I don't know what he spends on other hobbies/extras or you spend on other 'luxuries', so it's hard to say if it's true that you are ahead on the luxury front and it's fair for him to have more to himself.

UndercoverCop · 07/04/2023 16:15

Your horse is your hobby, his would be his car, maintaining it, there are usually meets/drives for enthusiasts etc

OutDamnedSpot · 07/04/2023 16:15

I wouldn’t want either a horse or a sports car, but I can see why he thinks they’re comparable. If he’s been so supportive of you and your needs, it seems odd that you wouldn’t support his. Is there a middle ground? Horse share as someone mentioned up thread? Somewhere else you could cut costs? Additional hours at work for one or both of you? Regular track days for him instead of his own car?

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 16:16

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 07/04/2023 16:12

How old are your children? If still the age of family holidays I think you should both think of them.

Both still family holiday age but not for too much longer.I sort of feel we need to take advantage of that for now and DH can absolutely have his sports car when they're older, even after they've moved out perhaps. I can't imagine having a Sports car is something with a deadline that can go off.

OP posts:
00100001 · 07/04/2023 16:16

They're not fulfilling the same purpose.

But at the end if the day why are you allowed to spend £500pm on what you like to do, but he isn't? If you still want to go on holidays, find a cheaper thing to spend your money on than a horse.

Hellocatshome · 07/04/2023 16:16

Neither a pony or a sports car are essential. It is different now as the pony is already here but it does seem a bit like you want the non essential luxury item that uses money from the family budget but don't want DH who contributes more to the family budget to have the same.

Jagoda · 07/04/2023 16:17

The problem is, you already have the pony, and it would be cruel to tell you to get rid of it.

I think DH should suck it up for now, and plan on a fancy car when DC are older. I certainly wouldn’t forsake family holidays for it.

RH1234 · 07/04/2023 16:17

We have horses (4), my OH competes etc.

personally both myself and my OH would say you are being unreasonable.

Horses are a lifestyle, it changes our planning, daily routines etc
A car is nothing in comparison for the compromise of a pony.

QuertyGirl · 07/04/2023 16:17

Doesn't sound like you can really afford either

Floralnomad · 07/04/2023 16:18

They are both luxuries , lots of people keep a horse for less than £500 per month , mine only costs marginally more than that and she’s on full livery in the SE

Chesneyhawkes1 · 07/04/2023 16:18

I'm afraid I'm team Husband. Horses are so expensive. I reckon in the years I had mine I could have bought several sports cars.

KarmaStar · 07/04/2023 16:18

Hi op,in with you! Your pony is giving you so much,though your post made me wonder if he has enough to eat ? I'm sure you wouldn't let him go hungry,just how I read the post in you only fed him essential food.
Anyway!🐴 the car is something else,do you think he suggested you got the pony so he could get a ridiculous car?
I think he is bu and should put his bonus into the family.the car will be expensive to buy,to run,to service and repair and be losing value all the time unless one that holds it's value.I do know someone who did this and found the running costs too frequent and too expensive.
your pony though,he is making you happier and healthier with no carbon footprint.
he gives you purpose and doesn't stop you going on holiday!
Yanbu.keep riding and loving your pony and suggest your dh gets a 🐎 horse too😀

BeatriceFranklin · 07/04/2023 16:18

Floralnomad · 07/04/2023 16:18

They are both luxuries , lots of people keep a horse for less than £500 per month , mine only costs marginally more than that and she’s on full livery in the SE

I was wondering how the hell a pony on DIY livery costs £500 a month too.

Pixiedust1234 · 07/04/2023 16:19

It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference

This is the difference. Did you suggest to DH he should get his car? Would it help his mental health to get one?

He can get his special car when the children have grown imo

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 16:19

Clariana · 07/04/2023 16:12

Gosh that's a difficult one isn't it?

But if £500 / month is all you have spare after costs and holidays etc it seems only fair that you have half each, rather than you having all the spare money. Can you reduce your pony costs by getting someone to share the pony with you, so that it is only £250 / month then he gets half the spare money?

I suppose i could try to find a sharer but in reality, it's not that easy to find good sharers who want to contribute £250 a month which is quite a lot. Because I've tried to keep costs down, my pony is not one who could easily be shared by someone less experienced and I am not on a yard with great facilities so I think I'd be hard pressed to find anyone who would pay that kind of money. Also - even if I did this, that 250 is not even for his sports car. So all it achieves is making me unhappy by sharing my pony, and he still doesn't get what he wants.

OP posts:
Shade17 · 07/04/2023 16:20

YABU, cars are absolutely my life, I eat sleep and breathe them. All my friends are massive petrolheads and so most socialising revolves around them. Couldn’t care less whether they’re a status symbol or not. So much pleasure involved in tinkering and cleaning them and that’s before we get onto the subject of hooning around in them and trackdays etc.

NEmama · 07/04/2023 16:21

Yabu. He should be allowed a treat too