To think a horse is not comparable to a car

[LostCroissant]

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

He doesn't spend on anything else. So it is absolutely true that the only outgoing "luxury" expense is pony. But I didn't ask for pony to begin with, he told me to get him. And I personally don't see an animal as an Item although lots of people do...I think part of that may come down to whether people know horses or not. Would a dog be a luxury item?

It depends though, doesn't it? I know people who pay £100 a month or more just in insurance- and you can say that's not a necessary costs, but only if you have £££ in the bank to pay for vet treatment if it comes to it.

If you add up all the costs involved, then £500 is far from excessive for a pony- although it might be able to be done cheaper, I think at £250 you are compromising on a lot and potentially impacting on the pony's welfare negatively- especially if they need specialist feed, ongoing medication etc.

I would try and reduce the pony's costs, because I do think it's a bit unfair for one person to spend £500 a month on themselves and not the other (it's different if e.g. the children also ride) BUT I do think it needs to be done in such a way that it doesn't compromise the pony's welfare.

I’m with you OP, the horse is a living creature that already is owned by you and exists. The give it up would be cruel.

On a cheaper scale you wouldn’t give up a large breed dog with expensive insurance/feeding requirements so that your DH could buy a football season ticket if it meant there was no family money left.

It doesn’t matter whether we are talking £50 or £500 the budget isn’t there for what he wants to do.

For me, they're comparable. Both are expensive hobbies that neither of you really need.

I think it would be unfair on your dc to miss out on holidays etc because of their parents' expensive holidays, so I think your DH will probably have to wait for now, but I can totally see why he thinks it's unfair.

You could keep your horse for a lot less. Put your horse on diy, take back shoes off (if you can), don’t compete, get a sharer and let him spend the change on a car each month.

To give it up.*

I say this as someone who's owned and loaned horses in the past- it is a luxury. Being able to afford any pet is a luxury- a pony is actually easier for me because I don't have to worry about a landlord saying no to it living with me, as I might with a dog.

But, I think once you have bought the pony, you have an ongoing commitment to it, in a way you don't with other luxuries- to ensure its welfare for as long as possible, and find it a suitable home/carers if you can't do that.

I definitely don't think you can cut costs in a way that compromises on the pony's welfare.

If you have a pony and holidays, you are in a very fortunate financial situation, and it is worth considering that.

Your DH is right. If you can spend the amount you want on a hobby that makes you happy then your DH can do the same.

Crikey, please tell me where you've got full livery for that price in SE! That price is inclusive of all hay, feed, bedding etc and the next cheapest livery round here in a 5 Mike radius is £700 per month!

YABU. Sounds fair to me if the cost is similar.

Would a dog be a luxury item?

Yes. Unless its a working dog no one needs a dog. Yes once you have an animal you can't give it up like you could sell a car but the act of buying a horse or a dog etc is the act of buying a luxury non essential item.

The pony has helped your mental health but that could have been achieved without actually buying a pony. Regular lessons, loaning a pony etc. So the fact you have a pony you own is a luxury.

OP already says their pony is on the cheapest yard and they don't compete.

The pony may not be suitable for a sharer necessarily.

You are being incredibly unreasonable. It’s just a matter of opinion wether it is worth spending money on either of these things.

My personal opinion is that neither are worth it but that’s irrelevant.

what is unfair is that you expect your hobby to be paid for and take priority over hubbies… in your opinion the car is less ‘worth it’. I personally feel that’s irrelevant and he’s entitled to his interests as are you and you should both make the same sacrifices.

I agree with your husband. They’re both luxury items. The pony makes you happy (and only you really). The car would make him happy (but - assuming it’s not a 2-seater - all the family could enjoy it).

A car is also something you can use every day but also to go on special trips. A pony is more likely to stop you all being able to go away somewhere because you have to look after the pony.

I think it was a really lovely thing he did for you in suggesting and committing to getting you a horse that brings you so much happiness. I think you owe him the same in return. It doesn't have to be selling the horse to give him what he wants but you should be more willing to find a way he can also have what he wants instead of comparing the two and making him sound unreasonable.

Absolutely agree...but I didn't ask for my pony, DH told me to get him. That didn't come with a caveat of "You can only have him if I can also have comparable". I would rather have never had him and carried on as I was tbh than now be in this position where I feel I need to give him up, or we take on another thing (the sports car) that we actually can't really afford.

I could have written this post a couple of years ago. We now have a 'fun' car. It was a compromise vs what he really wanted but then so was the pony I have (who I do love!) Vs the competition horses I had prior to kids. In our case the car costs far less than the pony to keep each year....

Could he compromise and get a second hand sports car with his bonus that doesn't need financing? Or could you both make cutbacks elsewhere that allows you to save for a more modest family holiday?

YABVU and really selfish. Your animal is the same as a car - they’re both luxuries and not a necessity.

I have 5 horses, all insured, fed supplements, in over winter on shavings beds, extra bales of hay in fields over winter etc. I honestly don’t see how a pony can cost £500 that’s kept on a cheap yard, on basic feed even taking into account insurance and shoes.

I think you’re being quite selfish spending £500 a month on a pony OP and not expecting your DH to have any luxuries. My DH loves is classic sports car and is always tinkering/polishing it. I would never dream of having my horses and not expecting him to have something similar that he likes.

Could he get the car he wants second hand, then you find somewhere cheaper to keep the horse, so you're both spending less on your hobbies than £500 a month?

I absolutely hate cars and love horses. I still think YABU on this one. For some people cars can be the hobby, community etc that your horse is.

OP i think you need to drop the line of thinking of "he told me to buy the pony". I'm assuming he didn't hold a gun to your head. You are an adult, you bought a pony because you wanted one. Hes he may have suggested and encouraged but he didn't force you to. He is also not asking you to give up the pony so he can have the car.

You will get people claiming they can keep their horses for pennies- but post a thread in the tack room asking what the minimum budget to allow for a pony is, and a lot of people will suggest £400-500 a month is sensible.

People who say they do it for a lot less than that will likely be cutting corners, or not really considering the reality of e.g. a big vet bill.

For me, for example, I'd never keep a horse without insurance unless I had at least £10,000 spare in the bank- but some people don't, and it can be different when they are older and you know you wouldn't put them through invasive treatment etc etc.

We also know that just because some horses can manage on no hard feed, unshod etc, it doesn't make it true for everyone, and some horses have higher ongoing maintenance costs than others.

You might be able to shave some money off, but to suggest you can half it is ridiculous, I think.

I live in the SW, and my livery is £150 a month, with hay and bedding on top- that's about £210 before you've started on anything else. I know I couldn't keep mine for <£300 a month without some pretty serious compromises.

I think I'd understand that much @Shade17 . If he was into doing up a car, or kit cars or something - that would make it a hobby, not just an object. My DH is 100% not the tinkering or cleaning type. He wants it sat on the drive, and to take it out for occasional spins.