To think a horse is not comparable to a car

[LostCroissant]

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

He doesn't spend on anything else. So it is absolutely true that the only outgoing "luxury" expense is pony. But I didn't ask for pony to begin with, he told me to get him. And I personally don't see an animal as an Item although lots of people do...I think part of that may come down to whether people know horses or not. Would a dog be a luxury item?

All animals are luxuries tbh. My cat helps me enormously with my mental health but she's still a luxury. But at £50 a month for her insurance/food/vet health cover she's a much cheaper luxury than a horse costing 10x that.

I think your DH has been very flexible and creative in finding a way to make your life and physical and mental health so much better. All the more reamrkable as he's not a horse person and I know very well there must be occasions when your pony-care obligations impact his life.
You should cherish him.

I think you need to reciprocate and be equally generous to him; encourage him to follow his dream. If the worst that can happen is that you can't afford holidays, that's a small price to pay for a contented marriage between people with such different tastes and interests.

A long term marriage doesn’t have a line painted down the middle where you both always make exactly equal contributions and take exactly equal “rewards”.

I agree that there doesn't need to be a line exactly down the middle. My marriage isn't split exactly 50/50 in terms of earnings or outgoings, but both have ebbed and flowed.

But in OP's case the line is painted right down one side: she gets an incredibly expensive luxury and her DP doesn't at all. I don't think that's fair.

Any chance he can get the car as a company car? If so, getting a Porsche Taycan instead of a 911 saves a lot of money as because it’s electric the tax paid every year is much much lower.

he suggested something because he loves her, foolish of him to think that may be reciprocated.

But having suggested it, and OP taking him up on that suggestion, it doesn’t leave enough spare cash for reciprocation. The only way they could afford the fancy sports car(and he already has a car) is for OP to give up her horse a or the whole family goes without holidays. Not much love there, I don’t think!

My costs are almost identical but the base rate is 200 plus 32 for the turnout days. Like you, I budget the 500 as there's always something that needs paying for. If it doesn't get spent, it stays in the family account I don't use it

Both are non essential luxuries but a car is way more use than a pony

Sounds like the horse is really not affordable either if you are relying on his bonus for a holiday. Could you negotiate and get the sports car once youngest graduates university or he gets a much cheaper (old) car he can buy for a lot less than £500 a month (that's a pretty expensive car)

This. OP is very unreasonable.

My costs are almost identical but the base rate is 200 plus 32 for the turnout days.

Are there time restrictions on the yard?

Can you not just do it yourself at, say, 5am and then get home in time for the kids getting up?

That saves £500 a month alone.

YABU, I’m afraid. I’m horsey too but the choice to have a horse is a luxury not a necessity. Saying it doesn’t count as it was his suggestion is quite shitty, tbh- he didn’t force you to do it and it’s not right to use his concern for you against him.

You have a horse, he has a car, you tighten your belts a bit for a few years to afford it.

The only thing that stops you being unreasonable is the fact that you already have the pony. The decision to get the car impacts on the kids, which is not on. Presumably that wasn't the case when you got the pony, which is the difference here.

I get the impression that your DH just wanted to make you happy - he knew how much you loved horses and thought a pony (smaller and cheaper in his mind) would be the ideal compromise. It also sounds like he didn't realise how much of an impact it would have on your time (hence why he now asks you to pay for turnout 4x a week).

He's now in a position where he wants (in his eyes) a similar luxury for himself and is feeling resentful that he gets nothing while you get £500 a month to spend on your hobby. And yes, it might be a living being, but a pony is a hobby and a luxurious one at that. Many people could never, ever afford to buy and keep a pony of their own.

I don't think you should sell your pony but I do think you could be a lot more understanding of your DH's position. He thought he was doing something nice by encouraging you to get a pony, but now it's come back to bite him on the arse.

I say all this as a rider myself. I would love a horse, but the cost and time commitment is massive and I know it would be hugely unfair to DH if I chose to go down that road. They're so time consuming and unlike a car, you can't just decide not to bother for a while because life is busy.

I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, have you thought of a pony share scheme? You allow another person or even a charity to use the pony half or some of the time in exchange for half of the expenses.

I'm more baffled that you have a pony at £500 per month but can only afford a holiday if DH gets a bonus? My priority would be a guaranteed holiday.

Your costs are minimal for horse ownership. I have two myself and pay about the same.

Think your husband deserves his car though

Yabu, if cars is his thing it’s not fair that you have your hobby/lifestyle and he doesn’t. I’ve got 3 horses and drive a tiny old car, DH has his new car every 3 years (he leases), that’s his choice. I couldn’t sit back and say he can’t have anything whilst i have the horses, I just think that’s really unfair.

Could you both compromise?

I'm with your husband. Sorry.

Surprisingly I’m team Husband as well. I don’t get owning sports car at all but for the purposes of this discussion they are both luxury hobbies.

Having had both ponies and a Porche (Boxter not a 911). DH and I would agree you can't afford either of them!

Horses and vv expensive sports cars are for people who are well heeled not people who are just making ends meet to afford a standard family holiday.

DH gave up his Boxter when we had kids.
I had ponies as a kid and my Dad said you may as well feed them £5 notes! They aren't cheap to keep unless you have land and stables.

He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car

This really jumped out at me. I've seen men behave like this before and it's highly manipulative.

They push you into doing something that you sort of want but aren't quite sure about ('go to Mallorca with your girlfriends for the weekend you'll have a great time' even though its a bad time of year to leave work for your/get a horse even thought its expensive) precisely because they've got something up their sleeve that they want to trade ('so the lads are going on a Bierfest tour. you went off with your friends so I'm doing this/ you had a horse I'm getting a car).

I'd be looking out generally for manipulation signs.

and I agree with you a horse is not the same as a car but for some people a car can be a hobby that opens up other stuff (classic car owners clubs; racing etc).
It's really about finances.

Just typed a big reply and it’s disappeared. No, I don’t think YABU.

I don’t think the issue is whether they are comparable. Technically they are comparable because they are both luxuries, but the point is pony is already here and part of your life.

Assuming I’ve understood it correctly, your DH encouraged you to get pony knowing how much it would cost and for how long. It would be detrimental to get rid of him now.

I also think your DH should have something to spend on himself but if it’s going to be something so expensive then he should wait unti the kids are older because it doesn’t sound like you can afford both, even if you cut out holidays as there’d not be much left over.

I think you are both not in a bad way but selfish, the kids even when grow out of family holiday age will still appreciate and need help from mum and dad- driving licences, first car to help to get first job etc.

I grew up with horses was a chamionship level rider (in an European country) so i was training with multiple horses every day since i was 7 to 19 unless i was sleeping at home or at school, now i pay for my kids to have private lessons but havent rode myself since before I got pregnant with my first child. Priorities changed,any spare money goes towards family holidays, kids hobbies, days out etc. As much as i have fond memories of horses and time spent with them, i am not willing to do any cut backs to fund my own interest over theirs, their childhood is their time to make memories.

So i think you are being unresonable getting upset with your husband, dosent matter what hobby he wants to spend 500 a month on,point is you are and have been.

YABU. you got what you wanted, he should get what he wants. Simples.