To think a horse is not comparable to a car

[LostCroissant]

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

There’s your problem, you have a pony on full livery. Find a DIY yard! I can’t believe you’re on here saying it’s unfair that your DH wants a sports car yet you keep a pony on full livery.

I think the pony and the car are both luxuries but the point is, as pp have said, you (as a couple) are already committed to the pony and have made that choice as to how you spend disposable income. If the additional disposable income is not there for the car as well without significant impact on the rest of the family (eg holidays) then you can’t afford it. I would stress again how grateful your are that he suggested getting the pony and come up with a longer-term plan for the car - maybe save X amount as a cushion first or that you’ll get it when the DC reach a certain age or for a suitable landmark birthday.

YABU. Both are luxuries, why do you get what you want and he doesnt? And why does the financial burden of family holidays fall solely to him? That's not fair to say we get no holidays if you get a car. Check your privilege.

I think both are luxuries. I too enjoy horse time but I have to be a sharer with 3 days a week - it's still better than prozac and I really can't afford my own. But £500 a month? Are you paying for livery? My share horse costs £300 max with everything included but is DIY. I think you need to look into getting a sharer if it's a push for your husband to get a luxury car - compromise on a 2nd hand one maybe?

Horses ARE luxury items - sorry!

YABU They're both luxuries for your own enjoyment.

So? What does it matter how he wants to enjoy it?

I already have no back shoes, use only 1 bag of bedding per week, never ever compete, use the cheapest feed that is healthy for him etc. And my yard is by far the cheapest in the area. The one thing i do have is turnout done for me 4 days per week...but that is at DHs request as he didn't want me out every single AM at getting ready for school time. I've already addressed the sharer issue in another post. It's possible, but tricky and unlikely to solve the issue - still wouldn't pay for his car.

YABhugelyU

But you are talking yourself around in circles to justify it

YANBU
you’re not in a financial position where you can both have a luxury item each atm. Lack of yours affects your mental health, lack of his not so much unless we’re missing something. If he went ahead and got the car the whole family would suffer for the lack of holidays. A long term marriage doesn’t have a line painted down the middle where you both always make exactly equal contributions and take exactly equal “rewards”. It’s more nuanced than that. When finances allow for a fairer division, then he gets his boy toy. He’s old enough to understand the principle of delayed gratification.

Are your children not interested in riding, OP?

This would be my ideal. I have asked if there is maybe an older type car he could have for around 200 p/m that might fulfil his wants, but in fairness I don't know about cars. He only wants a Porsche 911.

YABU, horse is good for your wellbeing, your OH thinks car is good for his. Put a bathroom rota in place for the mornings, it's good for people to learn how to compromise and share. Go camping for hols.

The one thing i do have is turnout done for me 4 days per week

How much does that cost?

You're getting economies of scale, though, when you've got 5 horses.

For me-

Livery £150 DIY
Hay- £40 a month (have to buy small bales a few at a time)
Bedding- £30ish a month (again, have to buy in small bales, a few at a time, it does vary in the summer when he's turned out more + can't use straw because he eats it).
Feed/supplements - About £20 a month
Shoes- £45 every 6-7 weeks.
Insurance- £90

So that's, let's say about £370 a month + I put about £20-30 away each month towards 6 monthly costs like physio/dentist/wormer etc. So let's say £400 a month.

That's before I've bought anything incidental, spent any money on lessons, gone anywhere...

I do normally budget £500 a month, because it gives me breathing room, and I know if I need anything, then, I can just buy it.

If I had 5, I wouldn't be paying the same amount per horse- it's not the same comparison at all.

He’s being unreasonable. He was the one who suggested you get the pony. Presumably he knew how expensive the upkeep would be. You’ve formed an attachment now, it’s a completely different thing than a car.

There’s no way the whole family should miss out on holidays so he can have a status symbol sports car. Can’t he wait until the kids are grown up? It’s so silly to buy something as superficial as a sports car when you can’t afford it.

Yabu

Where the heck did I say I'm on full livery?

Whatever you do OP, don't have a DH who resents you......

What, like a pony?

he suggested something because he loves her, foolish of him to think that may be reciprocated.

You're going to have to compromise somewhere.
I do understand where your DH is coming from.
Yes at the time getting a horse was good for your mental health but now your DH wants his car. Fair enough.

If you absolutely can't get a sharer for your horse or cut costs, you need to either kiss goodbye to another house or earn more money.
Your DH deserves the car.

A horse is a luxury. Horses are very expensive, therefore are a luxury. Yes they're living and breathing and not an easy thing to give up, but your DH won't see it that way and probably didn't expect it to be a forever thing.

You've had your luxury, so let him have his.

@LostCroissant apologies I thought this post meant you were on full livery.

This.

I also think its really off of him to say you should get something to support your mental health and then use that as a bargaining chip to get an expensive luxury for himself. Your horse was not acquired as a luxury but more as a coping mechanism/ mental health support from the sound of it.

I guess that's how I see it. But I know I'm in the minority.

Well you would see it like that.

You're spending all the money on yourself!

Imagine a thread here "DH spends all our money on HIS hobby"