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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a horse is not comparable to a car

353 replies

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 16:07

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

OP posts:
CoinsinaJar · 07/04/2023 17:34

Absolutely the car is not comparable. But, you have your thing and he is entitled to his "thing" as well, and if that's a car, then it's a car. I speak from experience here - I own two horses - and it is perfectly possible to keep a pony on less than £500 per month: I keep two on less than that. (Depends where you live, of course).

My DH has always been into (old) cars and has owned lots over the years. They have given him huge pleasure as well as a social outlet and something to be involved with generally. Having said that, it doesn't sound like your DH wants a project to tinker with, he wants a status symbol, something other guys are going to be jealous of, so not the same at all.

I would let it be his choice - cars or holidays - and leave it to him. Or consider scaling back your pony activities to make a bit of room in your budget. Tough one.

MrsMitford3 · 07/04/2023 17:35

@LostCroissant I am taking your side on this one.

It feels a bit like he saw the MH need for you to get a pony, you got one (which was a lovely thing to do)-although a compromise one that still costs a lot. Now that you're settled with the pony he wants something to make it even-which was never how you went in to it.

You don't have bloody Sher-gar you have a pony. Can't he get a fun car that is not a porshe 911? Compromise as you have?

Viviennemary · 07/04/2023 17:35

I think your DH should have his car since you have got your horse. In fact I think a car outranks a horse in the priority stakes. £500 is quite a lot out of a family budget. Could you not find a better job if you want holidays and a horse. YABU.

MarshaBradyo · 07/04/2023 17:36

I’d say they are fairly even

Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:38

YADNBU

Horses and ponies are ace. Cars are boring and it's totally unnecessary to have a flash one.

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 17:38

@Changeau

It's totally unnecessary to have a pony too.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/04/2023 17:38

Hellocatshome · 07/04/2023 16:31

OP i think you need to drop the line of thinking of "he told me to buy the pony". I'm assuming he didn't hold a gun to your head. You are an adult, you bought a pony because you wanted one. Hes he may have suggested and encouraged but he didn't force you to. He is also not asking you to give up the pony so he can have the car.

Show quote history

This!

You're being so selfish, and now you're almost making out me made you get the pony. Come on.

Mari9999 · 07/04/2023 17:39

OP, you might consider therapy and a smaller service dog to address your MH issues, and your husband might consider postponing the purchase of the luxury car until you are better positioned financially.

Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:39

Also unless you have a 4 star eventer then a flash car isn't comparable. If you have a nice cheap hacking pony then an equivalent would be a Citroën berlingo or something.

Aprilx · 07/04/2023 17:39

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 16:29

Absolutely agree...but I didn't ask for my pony, DH told me to get him. That didn't come with a caveat of "You can only have him if I can also have comparable". I would rather have never had him and carried on as I was tbh than now be in this position where I feel I need to give him up, or we take on another thing (the sports car) that we actually can't really afford.

Show quote history

Why does it matter whether you asked for it or not? Your husband did something nice for you, in return you are being mean spirited and pretty selfish.

Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:40

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 17:38

@Changeau

It's totally unnecessary to have a pony too.

Not to me it isn't! I've had them all my life. Any partner I've had knows they come with the package.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 17:40

Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:39

Also unless you have a 4 star eventer then a flash car isn't comparable. If you have a nice cheap hacking pony then an equivalent would be a Citroën berlingo or something.

A Citroen Berlingo doesn't cost £500 a month just to run.

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:41

Disneyblueeyes · 07/04/2023 16:46

You're going to have to compromise somewhere.
I do understand where your DH is coming from.
Yes at the time getting a horse was good for your mental health but now your DH wants his car. Fair enough.

If you absolutely can't get a sharer for your horse or cut costs, you need to either kiss goodbye to another house or earn more money.
Your DH deserves the car.

A horse is a luxury. Horses are very expensive, therefore are a luxury. Yes they're living and breathing and not an easy thing to give up, but your DH won't see it that way and probably didn't expect it to be a forever thing.

You've had your luxury, so let him have his.

Yes I think the house may be the compromise.

That one has surprised me because DH really wanted a new house too and said ours was too small for us all, he was ashamed of it at our stage in life. But if a Sports car is now higher priority to him than moving, it looks like we stay put and then we still have holidays and pony plus car.

We can move somewhere a bit nicer once the kids are grown up- or downsize, but to a nicer property.

OP posts:
lanthanum · 07/04/2023 17:42

I'm not sure the issue is whether they are comparable. I think it's that he persuaded you that the pony was affordable without mentioning that he wanted the car as well. Sure, it seems fair for the luxuries to be even-handed, but you were obviously unsure about the pony, and he encouraged you without mentioning cars.

If, when DH suggested your pony, he had suggested that you get a pony and he get a luxury car, would you have said "no, because there won't be enough money left for holidays"?

Glitteratitar · 07/04/2023 17:42

I’m confused OP. You keep saying your husband told you to get the pony. Did he force you to get it? Or did he know it was something that would bring joy to your life so suggested it?

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:43

Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:40

Not to me it isn't! I've had them all my life. Any partner I've had knows they come with the package.

Show quote history

I think people who haven't had horses wouldn't understand that. I was suffering depression at the time I got pony and I do think with hindsight a part of it was withdrawal from the lifestyle I'd always been part of - the outdoors and fitness and riding etc, it's all-encompassing isn't it

OP posts:
EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 07/04/2023 17:44

A horse is a luxury. Horses are very expensive, therefore are a luxury. Yes they're living and breathing and not an easy thing to give up, but your DH won't see it that way and probably didn't expect it to be a forever thing.

A horse is a living creature, it won't conveniently vanish. Frankly, if my DH thought like this about animals he wouldn't be my DH.

GoodChat · 07/04/2023 17:45

Or you could get somewhere with a decent bit of land, depending where you live and how far you're willing to move, meaning you could house the pony yourself and then only need to pay for food and general health as opposed to your current costs.

Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:45

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:43

I think people who haven't had horses wouldn't understand that. I was suffering depression at the time I got pony and I do think with hindsight a part of it was withdrawal from the lifestyle I'd always been part of - the outdoors and fitness and riding etc, it's all-encompassing isn't it

Show quote history

Yes, it's a proper lifestyle. My dh goes without a lot do help fund it and I'm very grateful to him.

A car is just so sterile in comparison.

honeylulu · 07/04/2023 17:45

Selfish to enjoy a 500 a month luxury but begrudge your H having similar. But I don't really get you saying your H wants a car and holidays. If the holidays are currently paid from the bonus money and that get spent on a car instead, there won't be any holidays will there? Does he realise that? Do you think he's getting buyer's regret about the pony being a drain on finances and time? Did he not know what The cost was likely to be? I'm not horsey and wouldn't have had a clue.

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:46

Glitteratitar · 07/04/2023 17:42

I’m confused OP. You keep saying your husband told you to get the pony. Did he force you to get it? Or did he know it was something that would bring joy to your life so suggested it?

I had depression at the time with periods of feeling suicidal. He knew I had been heavily involved with horses when younger - as in, 90% of every day spent around them, not just pony patting on the odd lesson. And he actually found me a horse without my knowing. It turned out he was right and it helped immensely, but no I did not at any point ask for it and I actually told him multiple times we shouldn't because of cost and time it takes up. I've always been incredibly careful not to spend more than necessary on pony ever since.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 17:47

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:43

I think people who haven't had horses wouldn't understand that. I was suffering depression at the time I got pony and I do think with hindsight a part of it was withdrawal from the lifestyle I'd always been part of - the outdoors and fitness and riding etc, it's all-encompassing isn't it

Show quote history

But there are other ways to be part of that world without buying your own pony at a cost of £500 a month.

You could have looked for a share yourself, got a part-loan, paid for riding lessons, or found a riding school that does hacks and paid for the occasional one of those etc.

I love horses and I love the lifestyle but ultimately I don't have £500 a month to spend on one, so I compromise by having weekly lessons and doing the occasional beach ride or hack.

Yes, it's not the same but sometimes you need to compromise - especially when you're married and have a partner and children to consider.

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:47

honeylulu · 07/04/2023 17:45

Selfish to enjoy a 500 a month luxury but begrudge your H having similar. But I don't really get you saying your H wants a car and holidays. If the holidays are currently paid from the bonus money and that get spent on a car instead, there won't be any holidays will there? Does he realise that? Do you think he's getting buyer's regret about the pony being a drain on finances and time? Did he not know what The cost was likely to be? I'm not horsey and wouldn't have had a clue.

No, he wants to continue having holidays from bonus and find an additional 500 pm from our monthly income. Which we just don't have.

OP posts:
Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:49

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 17:47

But there are other ways to be part of that world without buying your own pony at a cost of £500 a month.

You could have looked for a share yourself, got a part-loan, paid for riding lessons, or found a riding school that does hacks and paid for the occasional one of those etc.

I love horses and I love the lifestyle but ultimately I don't have £500 a month to spend on one, so I compromise by having weekly lessons and doing the occasional beach ride or hack.

Yes, it's not the same but sometimes you need to compromise - especially when you're married and have a partner and children to consider.

Show quote history

I can't think of anything worse than going to a riding school or having a part share, or going on a boring hack with a horse that you don't know.

I also don't expect anyone who doesn't own their own horse to understand.

AnnaMagnani · 07/04/2023 17:50

What concerns me about your DH's choices is they seem driven by status symbols rather than desire for a fulfilling hobby, or improving his mental health.

He wanted a new house not because the kids needed more space but because he was ashamed of the current one.

He now wants a Porsche 911, not a car he will tinker with, or go and meet other sports car nuts in, but to sit on the driveway looking expensive.

Meanwhile when he said you could have a horse you compromized with a pony that was as cheap as possible.

I can see he might now be experiencing the arrangement as unfair, but he seems to be having personal issues about not being able to show off the bling.

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