Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a horse is not comparable to a car

353 replies

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 16:07

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

OP posts:
Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:50

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 17:47

But there are other ways to be part of that world without buying your own pony at a cost of £500 a month.

You could have looked for a share yourself, got a part-loan, paid for riding lessons, or found a riding school that does hacks and paid for the occasional one of those etc.

I love horses and I love the lifestyle but ultimately I don't have £500 a month to spend on one, so I compromise by having weekly lessons and doing the occasional beach ride or hack.

Yes, it's not the same but sometimes you need to compromise - especially when you're married and have a partner and children to consider.

Show quote history

Agree. And yes I could do this although I doubt it would solve the same issues my pony did and why we got him. But the problem is we HAVE got him now. It would be pretty painful to just magic him away. Had DH said from the outset "I want you to have a pony but only if I can spend the equivalent p/m on a car", I would absolutely have refused as I know we can't afford it without big family sacrifices.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 07/04/2023 17:50

I'm sorry but YABU. If you get your 'luxury', and yes a horse is a luxury, he should get his car. If it makes him happy, and you can afford it, then it seems only fair.

Jonei · 07/04/2023 17:50

I don't think they're comparable op, but I guess you've found a solution with the house.

NoTouch · 07/04/2023 17:51

Think my MH would suffer willingly supporting such an extravagant luxury and as soon as I wanted something for myself it was brushed aside as unnecessary.

You get a lot from from your pony, but some people get a lot from having a special car too, it is not a competition. Surely he is equally entitled to spend on something he wants, otherwise it is simply unbalanced and unfair.

dreamonlucid · 07/04/2023 17:51

Why does he have to be "allowed" it just sounds awful.

I'm team DH and I hope he goes out and buys himself a nice lotus or Porsche to have fun in without having to ask permission or wait until the kids are older etc.

Supercarshopper · 07/04/2023 17:52

They’d be the same for me, sorry OP.

honeylulu · 07/04/2023 17:52

OK so have you asked him where the 500 a month for his car is coming from? What did he say? Is he hinting that the horse has made you "better" and you don't need him now and it's his turn to have the money? Just trying to follow his logic.

Jonei · 07/04/2023 17:52

Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:49

I can't think of anything worse than going to a riding school or having a part share, or going on a boring hack with a horse that you don't know.

I also don't expect anyone who doesn't own their own horse to understand.

Show quote history

Yeah I totally get this.

80s · 07/04/2023 17:52

he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone.
A dog has a similar effect but is not such a luxury. Or helping out at stables.

Your husband's car would give him different kinds of pleasure. I can see why he'd see your pony as a lovely treat, and hope he'd get a similar treat, too.
OTOH, if he suggested that you get a pony rather than a dog/gym membership etc. and you can't afford both ... I think it would be fairer for him to wait a few years for the problem to solve itself. Otherwise, the lovely treat of a pony came with a secret catch of living out of budget/compromising on other things.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 17:52

Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:49

I can't think of anything worse than going to a riding school or having a part share, or going on a boring hack with a horse that you don't know.

I also don't expect anyone who doesn't own their own horse to understand.

Show quote history

Anyone who can afford to spend £500 a month to keep a horse is incredibly privileged. There's no two ways about it. Millions of people have no choice but to compromise and go on hacks or to riding schools if they want to be around horses - and many can't even afford that.

I would much rather go on the occasional hack with a riding school than give up horses altogether - and that's what the reality is for most people.

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:53

Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:49

I can't think of anything worse than going to a riding school or having a part share, or going on a boring hack with a horse that you don't know.

I also don't expect anyone who doesn't own their own horse to understand.

Show quote history

Yes - what my pony has done for me is give me control in a world I felt totally out of control in, love from something that's all mine, and routine when the depression led me to find that very difficult. None of that would be the same with a share or at a riding school and DH recognised this.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 07/04/2023 17:54

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:53

Yes - what my pony has done for me is give me control in a world I felt totally out of control in, love from something that's all mine, and routine when the depression led me to find that very difficult. None of that would be the same with a share or at a riding school and DH recognised this.

Show quote history

Ok so he’s been pretty good. Time to return the favour?

Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:55

Helping out at the stables.

Christ.

I'm sure my dh would love an Aston Martin but it's tough, as our horses cost everything and more. He's totally fine with it. He njoys coming to watch dd and I. I'm team OP.

2bazookas · 07/04/2023 17:55

A car is just so sterile in comparison.*

I'm not interested in ponies or cars, but I'm damn sure that to car enthusiasts, its care and tending , messing about with the engine, talking to and meeting other car enthusiasts and comparing their cars is just as engrossing, stimulating and fun as ponies are to pony people.

IS a car rally more fun than exercising a pont on a wet day in February, then collecting its poo? Search me.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 17:55

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:50

Agree. And yes I could do this although I doubt it would solve the same issues my pony did and why we got him. But the problem is we HAVE got him now. It would be pretty painful to just magic him away. Had DH said from the outset "I want you to have a pony but only if I can spend the equivalent p/m on a car", I would absolutely have refused as I know we can't afford it without big family sacrifices.

Show quote history

But he isn't asking you to give up your pony - he's just asking for an equivalent amount to spend on himself now that you're in a better financial position.

Ultimately you chose to get a pony and I daresay you knew more about the costs and commitments than your DH did when he made the suggestion. You could still have said no.

Look - I get it. Horses are amazing and incredibly therapeutic to be around - I ride regularly and actually have a hack booked tomorrow, but they're also incredibly expensive and definitely fall into the "luxury" category!

Ludo19 · 07/04/2023 17:55

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:53

Yes - what my pony has done for me is give me control in a world I felt totally out of control in, love from something that's all mine, and routine when the depression led me to find that very difficult. None of that would be the same with a share or at a riding school and DH recognised this.

Show quote history

I hope you find a solution OP. I'm glad having your pony has made you feel better. Animals have an intuition about them for sure and horses/ponies are very clever in picking up emotions xx

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:56

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 17:52

Anyone who can afford to spend £500 a month to keep a horse is incredibly privileged. There's no two ways about it. Millions of people have no choice but to compromise and go on hacks or to riding schools if they want to be around horses - and many can't even afford that.

I would much rather go on the occasional hack with a riding school than give up horses altogether - and that's what the reality is for most people.

Show quote history

I fully agree and have said multiple times how lucky I am. I'm not disputing how lucky I am or that I'm privileged. But I didn't buy pony out of status or privilege, it really was more of a "need" than a want. And now that pony is here, it's not so easy to just give up in order to make the balance fair and equal. That should probably have been transparent in the first place.

OP posts:
Changeau · 07/04/2023 17:56

2bazookas · 07/04/2023 17:55

A car is just so sterile in comparison.*

I'm not interested in ponies or cars, but I'm damn sure that to car enthusiasts, its care and tending , messing about with the engine, talking to and meeting other car enthusiasts and comparing their cars is just as engrossing, stimulating and fun as ponies are to pony people.

IS a car rally more fun than exercising a pont on a wet day in February, then collecting its poo? Search me.

No.

BeardyButton · 07/04/2023 17:57

I am in similarish position - have a pony…. Can Jst about afford it. Husband doesn’t begrudge me my pony. He doesn’t want a luxury for himself.

BUT I do feel guilty for taking so
much family money and time.

That said… I was really struggling. MH in gutter. Long term antidepressants. Tried 3 different counsellors. Could barely work. That was affecting my family.

Pony means I am off ADs. I have a MUCH better job. And my family has a happier healthier mother.

Don’t underestimate the good that pony does - not only for you - but also for your family.

I feel like I need that pony. Without him, I’d genuinely suffer. I wish the thing that kept my head above water was cheap (like running). Does your OH NEED the car the way you need the pony?

Nocutenamesleft · 07/04/2023 17:58

A pony on a DIY livery being £500?!? What? My old mare was about £250 all in. Good hay livery shoes.

on full livery here it’s £550 a month and I’m in the new forest!!! That includes the lot. Shoes and food and hay.

I think you’re being unreasonable here actually. The car might do a hell of a lot for his mental health. You never know and he did let you splurge no contest on the horse

ive had horses all my life and couldn’t afford one. I think you should let him get the car.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 17:58

LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 17:56

I fully agree and have said multiple times how lucky I am. I'm not disputing how lucky I am or that I'm privileged. But I didn't buy pony out of status or privilege, it really was more of a "need" than a want. And now that pony is here, it's not so easy to just give up in order to make the balance fair and equal. That should probably have been transparent in the first place.

Show quote history

But you're not being asked to give him up! Your DH just wants the equivalent amount to spend on something that he enjoys.

You've got what you wanted - it's only fair that he gets the same.

fluffi · 07/04/2023 17:59

Ponies and sports cars are very different, and fulfil different needs for their owners but both are very expensive, non-essential and therefore luxury items.

it’s not fair your DH has to wait until he is older, what if he is unlucky enough to become unable to drive or worse, you have got what you want and makes you feel better but poor DH doesn’t get that experience.

If money is tight due if you both have hobbies then I think you need to up your income, extra part time job, overtime etc to be able to maintain your pony, that would be fairer on DH and enable him to have some enjoyment too. He is already using his bonuses for family holidays!

Disneyblueeyes · 07/04/2023 18:00

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair well obviously I don't mean make it vanish, but you can sell a horse, or loan it out?
People do this all the time if they end up with work commitments or can't afford their horse anymore.

RobinRobinMouse · 07/04/2023 18:00

I think you are both being unreasonable. If you could do with more space for the children etc then that would be my priority. Luxuries can come later.

Original poster
LostCroissant · 07/04/2023 18:00

honeylulu · 07/04/2023 17:52

OK so have you asked him where the 500 a month for his car is coming from? What did he say? Is he hinting that the horse has made you "better" and you don't need him now and it's his turn to have the money? Just trying to follow his logic.

No, he's had some pretty big payrises over past few years so I totally get why he thought it may be possible now but in reality unfortunately the cost of living crisis has wiped out a big proportion of the rise, or his wish might be pretty do-able by now.

OP posts: