To think a horse is not comparable to a car

[LostCroissant]

This could be a divisive one.

I am very lucky to have a pony. I've had horses all my life (used to work on riding yards) and only stopped having them when I had children. It was actually DHs suggestion that I got pony, as I was really suffering with my mental health and he knew how much horses had been a huge part of my life. It did indeed make a massive difference. At the time, I was very hesitant to take up the offer because i told DH how expensive horses can be. We have managed, because I bought a particularly cheap pony who needed lots of work and i keep him on the cheapest yard possible, don't feed more than essential or compete etc which can cost a lot. But it's still approx £500 per month.

DH has always wanted a luxury sports car. It's been his goal ever since a teenager. He's now started frequently bringing up that if I've got pony, he should get his sports car. But the cost to buy it (on finance) and run insurance, maintenance, fuel etc would be the same sort of cost per month as pony, if not a bit more.

While we are just about at a point in our lives that we could afford that, it would mean no disposable income at all. No family holidays. No chance of a bigger house (which we could really do with now our DCs are getting older and there's a bunfight for the bathroom every morning). And absolutely no safety net if finances became tighter, either of us lost jobs etc.

DH and I both earn very similar. But he gets decent bonuses which in fairness he always puts towards the family- it's how we go on holiday, or we wouldn't be able to. I don't get bonuses. I have said to him his bonus is his, if he wants to use it on a car instead of a family holiday that's his choice but he wants the holidays as well.

But the logic I'm struggling with is I can't see a car and an animal as the same thing. Pony is a lifestyle...he keeps me fit, gives me routine, a group of friends, gets me outside, gives me training goals and is my friend, he gives me affection when I feel alone. There are plenty of expensive items I covet...I'd love a Mulberry handbag! But they're definitely not "essential" and wouldn't impact my mental health by not having. I don't see how a luxury sports car can make so much difference to DH's life to be worth all our family holidays, putting us in risk of financial strain etc. Surely it's mainly a status symbol; a car can't love you back? We have 2 x perfectly good family cars by the way for every day use purposes.

Interested in perspectives. I appreciate this is an incredibly first world issue however it is causing arguments in my household...

"I fully agree and have said multiple times how lucky I am. I'm not disputing how lucky I am or that I'm privileged. But I didn't buy pony out of status or privilege, it really was more of a "need" than a want"

@LostCroissant that last sentence completely contradicts the previous sentences (and actually sums up your attitude throughout this thread!) You really do not understand how privileged you are to even be able to say a pony is a "need" with a straight face (so to speak).

This wide eyed disingenuous "well my DH just wants a car to sit on the drive as a status symbol but my horse is an essential need that I must simply have" reads very uncomfortably. If you just owned the fact and admit that your horse makes you happy and you think you have more right to happiness than your DH because you feel your reasons are more important, it would actually make you look more genuine. I think you're really trying hard to present yourself here as not being entitled or spoilt or selfish, but you know deep down your attitude isn't justifiable.

If you just said "look my DH wants to spend money on a sports car but I think he's being superficial and selfish, and it's more important to keep my horse as its just a more worthy hobby isn't it?" you'd probably get more useful responses!

You and your DH both equally deserve happiness. Acknowledging that fact and working out how it can be achieved would be more useful than arguing the detail of why you are more deserving of happiness!

Sports cars and horses are absolutely both hobbies, they're a luxury and they're a privilege. Yes, a hobby can be hugely beneficial to mental health as well as physical, but sometimes people just can't afford them and it's how life is. I would bloody love to be able to swim every day for my physical health but I can't. DH would bloody love to have a gym membership but he can't. We don't snipe at each other and believe one is more deserving than the other, and ask MN to justify our viewpoints!

Could you share the sum total of how long you have had the horse plus the initial costs? Saying it "out loud" so to speak, may make you realise the huge benefit (and I bet your DH is thinking of the exact figure you have spent on the horse when he is thinking of his sports car).

How long have you had the horse by the way, you don't seem to be answering this (apologies if I've missed it). £500 going out of the bank account every single month is a lot, and it's thousands (obviously!) over a longer period. If my DH had suggested and encouraged me to join a health club and facilitated me being able to swim in a blissful warm pool every single morning I would truly appreciate it. If he then suggested months later (or even years!) that he would also like to join a gym, I would do absolutely everything in my power to make that happen too. I wouldn't begrudge it at all. I really think you are being self centred about this and paying lip service about how lucky you are whilst simultaneously genuinely expecting your wants to come first by reframing them as a a need.

YABU. Good for you to have what you want but not good for him? YABVU .

I think he’s entitled to the car as you have your pony. However he needs to tell you how he wants to finance it. Holidays aren’t essential, he may have to let those go. Your children won’t suffer through lack of holidays

They CAN afford both it would just require them BOTH to make sacrifices, not just DH.

I can’t get my head around the fact you’re using the word ‘need’ because of your mental health. You’re entitled - no one ‘needs’ a pony for their mental health. It can cause happiness and routine yes, as can any other hobby.

Im just going to be real with you - You’re selfish and self centred and imo delusional if you think you have more right to a pony then DH does a car.

We have the same argument in my house, my DH wants to get a new family car, I said I’d rather spend that money on a horse. I’ve ridden my whole life and have a horse but she’s a veteran now and on loan.

Neither of us are right or wrong we just have competing interests.

Im just going to be real with you - You’re selfish and self centred and imo delusional if you think you have more right to a pony then DH does a car.

I do agree. You're quite happy OP for £500 a month to be spent on your hobby but you aren't happy for your partner to do the same. His bonuses pay for the holidays. Effectively you expect your husband to be the one to do all the compromising.

You can both have whatever you want if you pay it out of your own personal spending money.

I have 2 horses. I keep them at home but they still cost a small fortune (probably £500 a month). I pay for them out of the personal spending money I have left after paying in my contribution to the joint account.

Dh has 2 motorbikes, a Land Rover for off reading and a tractor to mess around with. He pays for those out of his personal spending money.

You should both be contributing equitably to cover joint expenses and then can use your own money to do what you want with.

Men don't get MH benefits from things, beautiful pieces of engineering that they must maintain diligently, can satisfy their need for excitement with, and can enjoy in solitude or with friends?

Have you ever met any human beings?

You could try to justify the pony vs the car until the cows come home. But it's a question of perspective and both things are equally important in their own ways.

So…. debt?

I’m kind of confused OP.. in one post you say you “both” (clearly not given what follows) don’t want debt in one post and then mention a payment plan - so debt- in the next saying that’s what DH was suggesting (so he doesn’t mind debt)..

As someone who’s owned horses in the past and has family with car related hobbies I’m not sure I agree. To me a horse is a bigger commitment. Sure there are the expenses you know about but also unexpected costs like vet bills. With a car it doesn’t matter if it breaks down and sits in a garage for a while until you can afford to fix it but you have a moral obligation to either pay for the pony to be treated or hav exit out to sleep.

Sure, horses are a healthy, outdoor hobby but they’re also a luxury for most people.

Cars can also be a lifestyle. My dad is retired but he is a member of numerous car clubs and is always busy.

How long have you had the pony? The way your OP reads it was a while ago, in which case I'm not sure you can connect the two in this way. The theme that he manipulated you into it because he wants an expensive car, is that really a fair interpretation of his actions? Did he want you to get a pony so he could get an expensive car or did he do something to help you because he loves you and was really worried about your mental health and later on it occurred to him that in hindsight it feels a bit unfair that so much of the joint budget goes on the thing you really want and he can't have the thing he really wants. If you were feeling that bad mentally I doubt he was thinking straight so much as willing to grasp at anything that could help you. If that's the case it's really unfair you blaming him.

Literally your second sentence is "I had horses all my life". That there. Horses ARE a luxury item and therefore a sign that compared to many, you grew up privileged.

I understand you.
People say horses are a want not a need but…I’ve been privileged to have horses the majority of my life.

I wouldn’t know me without horses. They give me everything; purpose, joy, self-esteem (and all the bad bits too). Not having a horse would be like cutting a limb off. I’d survive but I wouldn’t be me.

It is very difficult divvying the costs fairly. My partner is HUGELY accepting (I mean we just moved 200 miles so I can have them at home) and has never questioned the cost. But I do keenly feel the disparity in the amount spent on my ‘hobby’ for lack of a better word and the spare cash she has.

I have also struggled with mental health for most of my life and horses are and always have been what ground me.

I don’t know the solution to your problem but I do feel you. I don’t know what I would do if my partner wanted to spend the same amount on a hobby as the cash isn’t there but I couldn’t give them up.

But I didn't buy pony out of status or privilege, it really was more of a "need" than a want"

this sentence should really go down as a classic

And you have no clue of the country or culture I came from but I do not need to justify that here.

Well having horses and ponies doesn't necessarily mean someone has grown up privileged. Can't you think of any examples where that might not be the case?

I'm stepping away from this thread now as I think the spectrum of opinions have been covered, which is what I wanted initially and I'm now just finding myself repeating things I've already said in other responses, or being distracted by wild assumptions.

My original aim was to see if people generally perceive a car in the same way as a horse when purchased for a wellbeing reason. Some do, some don't. Obviously people's own experiences of horses, cars, MH, and 'privilege' come into play a lot which is to be expected. But it's confirmed that more people think it IS the same than not. My DH actually agrees it isn't, but this thread will make me work harder to treat his strength of desire as if it was the same, whether it can be accommodated right now or not, to be more sympathetic and help him see a pathway to meeting that goal.

For now the reality is our only options are:

• Sell pony. I suggested this to DH and he says absolutely not.
• Find the money. I cannot think of a way to do this that everyone would be happy with but if he suggests things he would like to cut back to make it happen I will listen and see what we can do
• Accept that it is something he very much wants, treat that desire with sensitivity. But plan for it as a goal in the future, perhaps once the children are grown up or there is a major promotion

Thanks to those who have provided helpful perspectives.

The part way option is to do some experience days driving and visit a Grand Prix or driving festival. You say you would miss holidays if he had the expensive car so maybe try to combine them?

If you take one thing from this thread, OP, perhaps it should be that you are far more privileged than most, and far more privileged than you currently understand.

The fact that you've read this whole thread yet by the end are still putting the word privilege in inverted commas illustrates this all too well. You didn't get it, and after hundreds of posts you still don't.

Some self reflection would help you a great deal. And I'm sorry that sounds sanctimonious as fuck, but maybe you would be much happier if you understood and were grateful for your extreme good fortune.

Christ…. Do you even understand how depression works. The OP has admitted to severe depression. And you think she’d be happier if she did a little self reflection on how privileged (sorry ‘privileged’ she is).

What a vile post.

OP - if you take one thing from this thread…. Take that lovely pony for a hack. Hug that pony. Give him a treat from me. Yes you are lucky. As am I. We are lucky that we have such an amazing coping strategy.

Ignore the nasty posts (they smack of jealousy). When it comes to your husband, I don’t know. But I’m with you that your coping strategy is not equal to his dream of a Porsche.

Christ…. Do you even understand how depression works

Sadly, I do. At the moment I'm working with one young person who has just left the care system and now has to try and fend for himself; with no money, no qualifications, and trying to cope with severe depression. He's not coping very well.

Another is currently doing the rounds of foster carers, after being split up from his siblings as nobody could take the sibling group. He too is struggling with self harm and serious MH issues. There are young people like that in every town and city across the county, in the most desperate of circumstances.

I'm not saying the OP isn't suffering. Clearly she is, and I'm sympathetic to anyone suffering with their mental health.
But nobody "needs" a pony, however much you might try and justify it. People need love and support and she has that in spades; with a DH who cares so much for her that he is not only making sacrifices to pay for said pony, but won't let her sell it even though there's things he wants of his own. I genuinely think therapy and self reflection could help here.

Well for someone who understands depression so well, what impact do you think your condescending remarks would have? Do you think the OP would think ‘ah yes, I remember now…. I am so privileged. There are so many more worthy depressed people out there. Im cured’

I really doubt you have any expertise in mental health. If so, you might have been aware that talking therapy does not work for everyone. You might also be aware that there are research findings to back up the positive impact of being around horses on people with treatment resistant depression, in particular women.

The OP isn’t asking YOU (or the state) to fund her horse, at the expense of those you mention in this post. She is drawing attention to the fact that her horse is a coping mechanism for her, while a Porsche is not. As far as I am aware, there is no evidence that owning a Porsche positively impacts depression, and even if there was, her husband is not depressed, so the Porsche still would not be a coping mechanism.

Didn't you say earlier that you do have £500 a month spare, which is what the car will cost?