Absolutely fuming Inlaws idea of when lunchtime is

[indianMIL]

I don’t get along with Inlaws. They have never made me feel part of the family. SIL don’t bother and every time I’ve tried to get close they make it clear “I’m not family”. We’re Indians so on the many weddings and celebrations they pretend to like me which I never understood and naively took each wedding / party as a sign they did really want to be close but I misread it that they were pretending, now I know they pretend to like me at function so I do the same.

I don’t talk to them. I made the obligatory visit where she pushes me aside to get to DH and kids and ignores me. Sorry for all the background here is the AIBU:

DH has today off and we hardly see him as he travels with work and works in the city when he is in UK so we rarely have family time. I was excited about this weekend. His mother was supposed to come at lunch to see our new house so I spent entire day cleaning and guess what she’s still not here! It’s 3:15! I’m fuming as the weather is actually nice today and been raining all week. DH as usual doesn’t see my point of view. I’ve asked him to call them and he’s refusing as they will get upset as in the culture “sons house, their house etc,” plus MIL will do her usual fake dramas of crying and saying she didn’t realise she needs an appointment to see her family.

im really pissed off. He said I should say something to them when they arrive if I’m so upset (he’s not remotely upset or annoyed that they’re not here yet) I know and he knows I won’t because it will erupt and my kids don’t need to have their holiday ruined. Bloody bitch.

Well why didn't you / don't you go out ?

You assumed something has cropped up and you have your day to get on with

YANBU. Why don’t you and the kids go out and leave DH to it?

What others say - go out with the children.

MIL is coming to see the house and her ds, not you, and she'll see her grandchildren when you get home from your trip in the sun.

Eat your lunch and take the kids out. Tell your H you’re nipping out for a bit to let the kids let off steam.

then go off and do something fun.

What culture is that where it's “sons house, their house etc"?

They are being incredibly discourteous to you. You might need to suck this one up due to timings but next time round, have your restful weekend away booked in advance and leave everything inc kids, to your DH (cleaning, cooking, food shopping). It's the 21st century FFS not the Middle Ages.

What a waste of a lovely day. People who don't value the time of others don't deserve to have others waiting around for them to make an appearance.

This is a cultural thing. I'm from a similar culture (judging from your description). Timings just don't work in the same way.

It's completely common to be several hours late to absolutely anything, regardless of importance. If I invited my family for lunch, they would arrive 4 ish probably.

Plate up her food. Eat yours then take the dc out. She wants to make a bloody grand entrance.. Don't give her the chance. Her ds can welcome her.

She’s already said they’re Indian.

Did anyone mention a specific time?

If theres anyone to blame its your Dh for enabling this kind of behaviour from his family to you.

Your Mil/sil should know better but your DH must know how they are with you but hasnt set out his expections to them of how he expects his wife to be treated.

Honestly I would go out. Take a book and head to a coffee shop for a couple of hours

Did you know about the culture before you married him?

Yes take the kids out. Just go.

So just go out. Or if you are waiting to eat, then eat they can eat with your dh when they get here.

when they do get there leave it all to your dh, find something else to do elsewhere

Did you have a specific time planned?

DH is so chilled about it that it seems like the norm in his family so it might be easier to just accept it rather then change it because it doesn’t seem like that’s ever going to happen.

Just phone and ask what time they're coming as you expected them for lunch.

Could you get away with phoning her if you say “We were worried something might have happened to you”?

What do you think?

you say "we're Indian" so presumably if this is a cultural thing (MIL flexing her muscles, DH pandering to her) you need to break it if you don't want to end up as MILs carer.

What happened today? Did you say something? did you just have lunch and when she arrived say "oh i assumed you weren't coming / had lunch elsewhere / were in an accident"?

You need to break this cycle of being at her mercy - how do you think you can do that without breaking up with your DH?

She's from the same culture...

Isn’t this just part of what we refer to as Asian timekeeping?

'Indian time' is a thing though ime

This all seems a bit dramatic. Did your DH give a particular time? Why don’t you leave DH at home and go out, or all go out and then ask her to call when she arrives if you’re not back. All the cleaning on a nice day seems a bit OTT as well, are you sure you’re not still trying to please them, or prove something? Why didn’t DH do the cleaning, it’s his family who you don’t even like.

@Meandfour, I take it that you don't realise that "Being Indian" on it's own, is an umbrella term for a lot of different cultures and religions, so I don't think you should have a problem with @HomeTheatreSystem 's question. It is a valid question, as is suggesting that maybe their culture is not particularly conducive to the well being of females within that culture, whether born into it, or married into it.

My In Laws joke about Indian Standard Time.

My MIL used to be really bad for it, so I started being really explicit about the expected time for things e.g. not “lunchtime” but “why don’t you come round at 12.30 and we’ll eat at 1”. Then I’d serve lunch at 1pm and if she wasn’t there tough. She’s now quite punctual for events at my house!