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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming Inlaws idea of when lunchtime is

185 replies

indianMIL · 07/04/2023 15:20

I don’t get along with Inlaws. They have never made me feel part of the family. SIL don’t bother and every time I’ve tried to get close they make it clear “I’m not family”. We’re Indians so on the many weddings and celebrations they pretend to like me which I never understood and naively took each wedding / party as a sign they did really want to be close but I misread it that they were pretending, now I know they pretend to like me at function so I do the same.

I don’t talk to them. I made the obligatory visit where she pushes me aside to get to DH and kids and ignores me. Sorry for all the background here is the AIBU:

DH has today off and we hardly see him as he travels with work and works in the city when he is in UK so we rarely have family time. I was excited about this weekend. His mother was supposed to come at lunch to see our new house so I spent entire day cleaning and guess what she’s still not here! It’s 3:15! I’m fuming as the weather is actually nice today and been raining all week. DH as usual doesn’t see my point of view. I’ve asked him to call them and he’s refusing as they will get upset as in the culture “sons house, their house etc,” plus MIL will do her usual fake dramas of crying and saying she didn’t realise she needs an appointment to see her family.

im really pissed off. He said I should say something to them when they arrive if I’m so upset (he’s not remotely upset or annoyed that they’re not here yet) I know and he knows I won’t because it will erupt and my kids don’t need to have their holiday ruined. Bloody bitch.

OP posts:
rangagirl · 09/04/2023 03:27

@newnamethanks

My cousin is married to an Indian man, so she knows that the ‘culture’ is that they will move in and she will care for them when they retire.

She got married knowing that, though. She agreed to that condition, so as ridiculous as most of us think it is it is for grown adults to expect their son’s wife to baby them in old age, that’s what she has agreed to - but at least she knew. She wasn’t blindsided years later.

They seem nice, though. They like her and they get along. So when they move in, it might not be such a nightmare for her as it is for some other people - if the in laws are not rude and entitled and treat you like absolute dirt, then your life of living with them might not be so bad.

I couldn’t even imagine. But now that I KNOW that about Indian culture, I won’t ever consider dating an Indian man who expects me to do that - because I don’t have any desire to.

Valeriekat · 09/04/2023 03:31

Magenta82 · 08/04/2023 21:03

Just north of London, around 2 usually. If I was booking a table at a restaurant it would be at 2pm. If I was cooking at home I would aim for around 2 to serve it. Big occasions, Christmas etc I would probably aim for a bit later.

... And yet most restaurants stop serving at 2pm!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2023 03:34

It doesn’t sound as if your husband likes you very much either op. Please don’t throw your life away on a man and his family, who treat you like an annoyance. These days, you have options.

Zvifflemeyer · 09/04/2023 03:47

I would apply college rules to the situation. In universitys in the US, if the professor is more than 15 minutes late, you are free to leave and he cannot penalize you for missing class. Lunch is generally somewhere between 11 and 12:30. at 1245, you waited as long as you are obligated to as lunch is over. I CERTAINLY wouldnt have waited til 3 or 4 for her.

Magenta82 · 09/04/2023 04:01

Valeriekat · 09/04/2023 03:31

... And yet most restaurants stop serving at 2pm!

Show quote history

Interesting, I've just spent the last 10 minutes thinking of all the restaurants I go to, independent and chain, cheap and more expensive, cafes, pubs, and various restaurants, and the only one I can think of that does anything like that is a cheap and cheerful Chinese buffet that stops letting people in at 2pm.

I also had a scroll through the chat channel my team uses to announce when they are nipping of for lunch, there is the very occasional early day when someone will go at 12/1230 but I'd sat 80% are after 1.30.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, it could be selection bias or something, maybe I'm simply selecting the ones open later. But I wonder where you are and what kinds of places you go for lunch?

Sortyourlifeout · 09/04/2023 04:13

Trinityloop · 07/04/2023 15:30

This is a cultural thing. I'm from a similar culture (judging from your description). Timings just don't work in the same way.

It's completely common to be several hours late to absolutely anything, regardless of importance. If I invited my family for lunch, they would arrive 4 ish probably.

It's bloody rude.

Sortyourlifeout · 09/04/2023 04:30

Trinityloop · 07/04/2023 23:29

It's just a different culture. I'm my sister for example invited me for lunch and I turned up at 12.30 shed probably not be in, be still drying her hair etc.

When you give times, you don't expect people to turn up at them and it's almost considered rude if you do (its like turning up several hours early)

Some cultures if you said 12.00 for example would turn up around 12, others arrive early eg. For 12, others any time after 12.

Things like weddings etc are often several hours behind so its not seen as a reluctance or that people are arsing you around

Show quote history

Just because you are happy to mess people around this way, it doesn't make it acceptable.

Sortyourlifeout · 09/04/2023 04:34

Mari9999 · 07/04/2023 23:53

Why should OP need to take the children out? The grandparents likely want to see their grandchildren and the children likely enjoy seeing their grandparents.

It is the OP and the grandmother who seemingly do not enjoy each other's presence and company. Well it may not be well received, but the OP can find reasons to be absent for some of the visits. The MIl.will.probably express indignation over her absence, but she was going to be offended by something anyway.

There's quite a strong and important message to the kids by taking them out.

Lateness, especially deliberate, is bloody rude. It's not a nice trait. Teaching the kids that lateness is an absolute disregard of other people's time will set them up well in life and stop the circle.

Sortyourlifeout · 09/04/2023 04:37

Highdaysandholidays1 · 08/04/2023 09:27

No, everyone in a given culture doesn't find the same things rude, as we see hourly on mumsnet threads! But there are differences in time management in different nations and cultures broadly speaking, and not knowing that makes you seem a tiny bit narrow-minded. 12.30 for a 1pm lunch is not a thing in many cultures!

Then they should have politely declined!

Sortyourlifeout · 09/04/2023 04:39

indianMIL · 08/04/2023 09:42

The problem with not being there is that my DH will take it out on me for example when anyone from my family visits he will start being rude and obvious he doesn’t want them there. There’s a huge difference between his behaviour and mine - I would genuinely like them if they didn’t make me feel awkward. My family is warm and welcoming to him but he’s always off with them and acts like his parents just silent and cold.

So your DH is a rude twat as well, then?

adultdds · 09/04/2023 04:42

I wouldn't bother I would let your dh arrange visits for him and kids. If they are coming to yours sometimes take kids out. Other times go out yourself. Stop colluding in this negative situation.

Sortyourlifeout · 09/04/2023 04:52

Mari9999 · 08/04/2023 21:56

@Redebs
If you are correct and there is going to be nasty comments no matter what she does, then why prevent the children from seeing their grandparents. That action will only stop the children from having a happy encounter with their grandparents and won't improve the OP's situation in any way.

Are you the mil by any chance?

Sortyourlifeout · 09/04/2023 04:56

adultdds · 09/04/2023 04:42

I wouldn't bother I would let your dh arrange visits for him and kids. If they are coming to yours sometimes take kids out. Other times go out yourself. Stop colluding in this negative situation.

Actually, given that 'DH' is just as bad, I wouldn't be leaving my kids unsupervised with any of them.

Dyslexicwonder · 09/04/2023 06:20

I also had a scroll through the chat channel my team uses to announce when they are nipping of for lunch, there is the very occasional early day when someone will go at 12/1230 but I'd sat 80% are after 1.30.

This is very interesting which industrydo you work in and what time do you start ?. DH and I have different timelines when it comes to meals. I work in the health service, afternoon meetings will often run 1-3 or 1:30-3:30. Afternoon clinics start at 1:30 , there is a general expectation that lunch is done by then. A full hour seems a bit excessive as well. So I would normally break for lunch around 12:30-12:45 and be back at my desk by 1:20-1:25. DH never breaks for lunch before 1pm and is quite happy to amble back at 2:10 /2:15.

This is reflected at the other end of the day too, I am happy to eat from 6pm onwards (I am up at 5:30 and like to start work by 8). DH would much rather 7:30-8pm.

WizdomE · 09/04/2023 06:48

you are in a difficult situation. But you need to remain calm. You need to discuss what upsets you with your husband and explain that you need to ask them about their behaviour. Then arrange a sit down with his parents (with him there and ensure he will support and not undetmine), confront them very calmly and respectfully, tell them how you feel and why and ask them about it, if they get upset stay very calm, wait until the drama is over and start again. No one will fix this for you. You need to understand what upsets you, how you feel AND understand their perspective then hopefully you can reach understanding. If however they just disrespect u because ur just the wife. Then make them respect you by setting boundary conditions.

Nanaof1 · 09/04/2023 08:21

Mari9999 · 08/04/2023 20:56

@Nanaof1
OP and her MIL are both adults. They have the right to manage their relationship as adults. There is absolutely no reason to involve the children in their differences.
These children probably love both their mother and their grandmother. They should not be used as pawns in the acrimony existing between these 2 adult women.

When these children are older , they will form their own opinion about the relationship that exist between mom and grandmother, and it will be informed by what they know of mom and grandmother. At this early stage, the only thing that they need to know is that both mom and grandmother love them.

If mom steps out for a bit, there is absolutely no reason why the children should be taken from the home unless the mom functions on a theory of " my enemy is by default their enemy. " The OP has in no way suggested that her MIL is unkind or abusive to the children. It is also likely that at a young age these children are too self absorbed to pay much if any attention to the way that mom and grandmother interact. OP is not teaching her children about kindness by taking the kids away from their grandparents if the grandparents are perceived by the children as people that they love.

The children do not deserve to be taught to treat women and especially their mother as if she means little to the world. Their father already learned at his mother's knee who she thinks is important. The children can be spared. If the MIL starts to treat the OP like a living, breathing human being with feelings and rights instead of a doormat, then the grandparents can spend time with the OP children. Both the OP and the children deserve that.
Children are sponges who absorb everything and understand more than they are given credit for. They do not need to learn that family members of theirs think their mother is a "lesser" than dear old granny.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 09/04/2023 08:26

I can relate to this Op. My mil crosses boundaries all the time and is quite rude to me. My DH won't say anything to her and even more upsetting for me, he minimises and dismisses any complaint I make about her behaviour. She does sulk and lay on the guilt so he is used to being manipulated into letting her do whatever she wants.

Magenta82 · 09/04/2023 08:52

Dyslexicwonder · 09/04/2023 06:20

I also had a scroll through the chat channel my team uses to announce when they are nipping of for lunch, there is the very occasional early day when someone will go at 12/1230 but I'd sat 80% are after 1.30.

This is very interesting which industrydo you work in and what time do you start ?. DH and I have different timelines when it comes to meals. I work in the health service, afternoon meetings will often run 1-3 or 1:30-3:30. Afternoon clinics start at 1:30 , there is a general expectation that lunch is done by then. A full hour seems a bit excessive as well. So I would normally break for lunch around 12:30-12:45 and be back at my desk by 1:20-1:25. DH never breaks for lunch before 1pm and is quite happy to amble back at 2:10 /2:15.

This is reflected at the other end of the day too, I am happy to eat from 6pm onwards (I am up at 5:30 and like to start work by 8). DH would much rather 7:30-8pm.

Data, all computer based, very flexible officially 9-5.30 but loads of people start at 8. People either work hybrid 3 days in office 2 days wfh, or fully remote. No need to stagger lunches for coverage, people pick the time that suits them on the day.

PickaxeForGardening · 09/04/2023 08:58

I have not read the full thread I am afraid.

I do not think we should use culture as an excuse for anything that is rude, dangerous etc . My parents are from a country bordering India. But they and my extended family are always punctual. We respect that everybody is busy, works, has kids, has their own life to lead. If anyone is going to be late, they send a text and it is never more than 10 to 15 minutes.

You have a huge problem with both your husband and his family. I’m not sure I could stay in this marriage OP.

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 09:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Alwaysintheway · 09/04/2023 11:03

What's wrong with you lot, stop in fighting and concentrate on OP's dilemma and not your own.

Mari9999 · 09/04/2023 13:28

@BasqueMass
Applying you theory of modeling, it is equally likely that these children will think that mommy believes if someone does not love her then they shouldn't be allowed to love us. There is modeling of insidious behavior by both parents , but there is only one parent putting themselves forward as the morally superior and put upon victim.

Solonge · 09/04/2023 14:15

Mari9999 · 09/04/2023 13:28

@BasqueMass
Applying you theory of modeling, it is equally likely that these children will think that mommy believes if someone does not love her then they shouldn't be allowed to love us. There is modeling of insidious behavior by both parents , but there is only one parent putting themselves forward as the morally superior and put upon victim.

Wow....harsh???? the Op is being put upon by her husband and inlaws. Why does she have to be the only one that behaves perfectly? you are making her out to be the problem. The problem is her husband and his toxic family. Why do you feel the need to make punishing comments to her? If you arent a psychologist or RMN then your opinion is nothing more than an opinion.

LlynTegid · 09/04/2023 14:19

I hate lateness. I am with you OP. I would have said a time or in your shoes got my DH to say one.

Nothing to do with culture or heritage, I hated late Covid press conferences when I wanted to hear something of use to me, and they were almost all hosted by white men.

Mari9999 · 09/04/2023 15:11

@Solonge
Every thing posted on here is just an opinion. Mine is no more or less significant than yours. I just never believe that the things that I do wrong make me some how superior to the things that others do wrong. I don't believe that I should criticize the faults of others without acknowledging that I too bring something to that same table. Perhaps, I am just more flawed than most.