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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming Inlaws idea of when lunchtime is

185 replies

indianMIL · 07/04/2023 15:20

I don’t get along with Inlaws. They have never made me feel part of the family. SIL don’t bother and every time I’ve tried to get close they make it clear “I’m not family”. We’re Indians so on the many weddings and celebrations they pretend to like me which I never understood and naively took each wedding / party as a sign they did really want to be close but I misread it that they were pretending, now I know they pretend to like me at function so I do the same.

I don’t talk to them. I made the obligatory visit where she pushes me aside to get to DH and kids and ignores me. Sorry for all the background here is the AIBU:

DH has today off and we hardly see him as he travels with work and works in the city when he is in UK so we rarely have family time. I was excited about this weekend. His mother was supposed to come at lunch to see our new house so I spent entire day cleaning and guess what she’s still not here! It’s 3:15! I’m fuming as the weather is actually nice today and been raining all week. DH as usual doesn’t see my point of view. I’ve asked him to call them and he’s refusing as they will get upset as in the culture “sons house, their house etc,” plus MIL will do her usual fake dramas of crying and saying she didn’t realise she needs an appointment to see her family.

im really pissed off. He said I should say something to them when they arrive if I’m so upset (he’s not remotely upset or annoyed that they’re not here yet) I know and he knows I won’t because it will erupt and my kids don’t need to have their holiday ruined. Bloody bitch.

OP posts:
mrsfennel · 07/04/2023 18:05

With people like your MIL they want a reaction from you, all the passive aggressive comments, turning up late etc. She wants to get under your skin.

From now on I would act bright and breezy, carry on and do your own thing. Make lunch/dinner and eat when you said you would. When they arrive heat up food and serve. Dont complain or talk about then to your DH. Completely block them from your mind unless they are right in front of you.

When your Mil realises you genuinely dont give a shit and whatever she does can't effect you she will most likely dial it down after a while. Let her crack on with her stupid games basically, I genuinely feel sorry for people like this, imagine living your life making bitchy comments and trying to annoy people for no reason.

Mumski45 · 07/04/2023 18:06

My husbands family work on "Indian Time" which in our family means what ever time we were told plus at least 2 hours. He doesn't often expect me to be involved in family occasions as he finds it more frustrating than I do as I am more laid back than he is. We once went to his niece's Akika (introduction of a new baby) and were told it was a set time and not "Indian time". We arrived as instructed, waited 2 hours, everyone was fed and we were just about to leave when Mum and Baby arrived. We left anyway.

They won't change so you need to take control of your own reaction and expect it, either go out anyway or just plan around it and don't let it bother you.

declutteringmymind · 07/04/2023 18:09

indianMIL · 07/04/2023 17:22

I’ve just taken kids for a quick scooter around the block to get away. They make me feel really stupid and weird. I don’t have the personality to sit there in silence like DH Does but every polite attempt at conversation is met with silence or a smirk or a weird response like “well that’s up to you”. That’s their response like passive aggressive like “up to you”.

I used to get drawn into conversations which were then turned against me.

I now do a combination of grey rock and keeping busy and 'dutiful'. This means I save jobs like laundry etc for when they are here and sneak off and do it. If she asks just say the kids need these things for tomorrow, please go and spend some time with DH.

I spend an age loading the dishwasher, clearing out the fridge, while they are all sat in silence. Any comments of 'why aren't you sitting with us result in me sitting in silence for 5 mins and sloping off. Even if it means offering tea.

I've also got DH into the habit of taking the kids to his mums.

Felixss · 07/04/2023 18:12

My MIL is from a different culture. I found my mil testing at times she would literally randomly turn up to my house without messaging first. I found the less I gave a shit about the behaviour the better she became as the years went on. It's like she wanted a reaction and control. We get on very well now sil has 3 DC and I only have 1 preteen so she pesters them all the time instead 😁🤣

Sceptre86 · 07/04/2023 18:14

If I said lunch to my inlaws they wouldn't torn up till 3-4 pm either. My mil isn't up before 11am and has breakfast at midday, she's done it for years and won't change her routine for anyone. As a consequence I invite them for dinner and feed my kids who eat early between 5-6pm before they get to ours. You should have gone and left them to it.

I'd also be speaking to your dh, why does he invite them around if he can't be bothered to speak. That's rude in any culture.

Sceptre86 · 07/04/2023 18:18

I totally agree with @Mumski45 . They won't change their behaviour so you need to change how you react by not letting it faze you. My inlaws were 2 hours late to my dd's birthday and we live a 10 minute drive away. We cut the cake without them and when my sil was miffed an uncle piped up with, 'well you should have been on time then, birthday kid was excited'. Had they phoned I'd have waited but they didn't.

GreekGod · 07/04/2023 18:41

I'm sorry OP but why are you trying so hard to talk to them. If their own son can't be arsed to speak to them, why should you ? I would sit there in silence too and make that your personality with them only. Just sit there in silence and let the kids do their thing. I am sure they would feel uncomfortable and leave which is what you want. Sorry this is stressing you out. Sending hugs. Awful inlaws are the worst. Psychological warfare.

aloris · 07/04/2023 18:43

It doesn't seem like anyone has raised this issue yet but what strikes me is that you and your husband rarely have family time because of his work schedule and work travel, but when he has a day with the family, his mother has been prioritized over spending it doing something nice with you and the kids. Him thinking it's ok for you all to sit around waiting for her to appear, during a rare day of good weather, is a symptom of this. It leads to you all spinning your wheels for her sake rather than that he build a nice memory with you and his kids. So I think that is your underlying problem.

Schnooze · 07/04/2023 19:03

I like the idea of saving the jobs up for when they are there. Also specify a time to eat. Wait 20 mins then eat.

StillWantingADog · 07/04/2023 19:11

Yanbu generally they sound difficult.

however in your post you say “His mother was supposed to come at lunch”. This is a slightly odd turn of phrase. Do you mean “for lunch?”. It’s rude of her not to let you know when she’s coming but completely awful to turn up at 5pm if she was expected “for” lunch.

Grapewrath · 07/04/2023 19:14

I wouldn’t be having a bar of this. Let your DH entertain the rude fuckers next time and go and do something lovely

Mumma · 07/04/2023 19:17

You could have had a nice day at home or in the garden with DH... you already decided to be pissed off about the situation.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 07/04/2023 19:18

In the future, I'd just go out more and leave her to your husband to manage.

UsingChangeofName · 07/04/2023 19:24

TheUndoing · 07/04/2023 17:02

My In Laws joke about Indian Standard Time.

My MIL used to be really bad for it, so I started being really explicit about the expected time for things e.g. not “lunchtime” but “why don’t you come round at 12.30 and we’ll eat at 1”. Then I’d serve lunch at 1pm and if she wasn’t there tough. She’s now quite punctual for events at my house!

This is what I'd do when inviting anyone for a meal.

It's just rude.
If you tell someone the meal is to be served at 1pm, then they should be there in plenty of time.
Obviously, if someone were travelling and it were a one off, I'd message them to check what was happening, but if it were a regular thing, I'd just serve up the meal at 1pm and plate one up for them.

viques · 07/04/2023 19:36

I think if they sit in silence then you need to take up knitting, or crocheting. That way you aren’t sitting wasting your time, you are doing something you “want” to do, and can pretend you are counting rows or stitches or something. You can then present your finished masterpieces to them as presents. Double whammy.

diddl · 07/04/2023 20:06

The whole thing just sounds so strange to me.

So she gets to do what she wants with her day whilst others wait for her.

Op spends hours cleaning (why) & her son barely bothers to talk to her.

That is just so messed up!

What would happen if you stated times & got on & did stuff at those times whether she was there or not?

Zipadeebooyah · 07/04/2023 20:14

diddl · 07/04/2023 20:06

The whole thing just sounds so strange to me.

So she gets to do what she wants with her day whilst others wait for her.

Op spends hours cleaning (why) & her son barely bothers to talk to her.

That is just so messed up!

What would happen if you stated times & got on & did stuff at those times whether she was there or not?

I knew someone like this once. She would run about every Sunday cooking a roast for the family and making all the conversation with her MIL while her husband sat hiding behind a newspaper. When he finished his paper he'd wander off to do unnecessary odd jobs around the house and garden to avoid his mother.

Every. Fucking. Sunday.

I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a wooden spoon.

Partyandbullshit · 07/04/2023 20:21

MN is full of women who just don’t behave like grown adults.

Why aren’t you taking charge of your own life, OP? Are you that scared of the repercussions of you behaving like a self-respecting person, that you’d rather disrespect yourself? And torment yourself and seethe and build resentment towards your DH and demonstrate to your DC how a doormat behaves? Why do you do this?

AnxietyLevelMax · 07/04/2023 20:41

Oh I feel you OP… i am not indian, not british, from Eastern Europe…married to an indian though. I dont have any words of wisdom but I do sympathise with you! Hope rest of the day was nice

Zipadeebooyah · 07/04/2023 20:57

You're both Indian OP. You say this is a cultural thing... would your own mother behave like this? Keeping someone waiting for hours and then sneering and smirking at them when they're talking?

rushandpush · 07/04/2023 21:09

You are right, she's passive aggressive and seems to relish upsetting you.
I would google some advice on dealing with a passive aggressive person - there are some great tips on dealing with this behaviour. Learning how to deal with this behaviour will certainly be able to help you navigate her awful behaviour. It might take a bit of practice so you could see this as a new challenge.
At some point she might realise she's not getting the reaction she wants - to upset you, and she might well pipe down. If she doesn't change her behaviour it doesn't mean you can't triumph over her crap behaviour.

I wish you all the best. You don't derisive to be treated like this in your own home, or anywhere else, but you can learn how to feel better about it.

Kanaloa · 07/04/2023 21:10

Zipadeebooyah · 07/04/2023 20:57

You're both Indian OP. You say this is a cultural thing... would your own mother behave like this? Keeping someone waiting for hours and then sneering and smirking at them when they're talking?

I was just going to say this. Surely if it was ‘just a cultural thing’ and ‘just Indian standard time’ then the op, who says they are from the same culture, would not find it an issue? But she does. Which makes it sound like it’s not just a common thing the entire family does.

I couldn’t be bothered with it to be honest. I’d probably just cut things off now. If DH says ‘oh my mum is visiting’ then you say ‘oh great, have fun.’ If he wants to clean in preparation then he can. If he wants to cook lunch he can. There is no reason for you to facilitate a relationship between your husband and his mother.

Eggseggseverywhere · 07/04/2023 21:15

Well if dh isn't prepared to chat then you say they aren't coming again because you won't be chatting either. And mean it.

Abcdefgh1234 · 07/04/2023 21:21

I’m more or less the same OP! I’m indonesian. So similar culture. Is not as easy like you can go with you sons as if they come and your not there, they will say that you are disrespectful.

i’m sorry for you OP!. Its really hard. You inlaws is shit really. Same like mine 🥲.

Redebs · 07/04/2023 22:11

In some cultures the wife is expected to be at the beck and call of her inlaws, whereas the husband, their son, is not. All that is expected of him is to keep his qife in line.

I have seen women having to care for a demanding father-in-law and her own children, while her husband took very little responsibility for anything, appearing whenever he was hungry for a full home-cooked meal, then off out with friends again.

In-laws have greater entitlement to the woman's attention than the children by virtue of their age. Children are fed and clothed, but otherwise left to their own devices. Boys often bully sisters, unchallenged.

The situation is maintained through cultural expectations and claims to be religious, bullying, threats, verbal abuse and physical violence.