Absolutely fuming Inlaws idea of when lunchtime is

[indianMIL]

I don’t get along with Inlaws. They have never made me feel part of the family. SIL don’t bother and every time I’ve tried to get close they make it clear “I’m not family”. We’re Indians so on the many weddings and celebrations they pretend to like me which I never understood and naively took each wedding / party as a sign they did really want to be close but I misread it that they were pretending, now I know they pretend to like me at function so I do the same.

I don’t talk to them. I made the obligatory visit where she pushes me aside to get to DH and kids and ignores me. Sorry for all the background here is the AIBU:

DH has today off and we hardly see him as he travels with work and works in the city when he is in UK so we rarely have family time. I was excited about this weekend. His mother was supposed to come at lunch to see our new house so I spent entire day cleaning and guess what she’s still not here! It’s 3:15! I’m fuming as the weather is actually nice today and been raining all week. DH as usual doesn’t see my point of view. I’ve asked him to call them and he’s refusing as they will get upset as in the culture “sons house, their house etc,” plus MIL will do her usual fake dramas of crying and saying she didn’t realise she needs an appointment to see her family.

im really pissed off. He said I should say something to them when they arrive if I’m so upset (he’s not remotely upset or annoyed that they’re not here yet) I know and he knows I won’t because it will erupt and my kids don’t need to have their holiday ruined. Bloody bitch.

Your husband is just plain nasty.

Perhaps you should think about leaving.

The problem with not being there is that my DH will take it out on me for example when anyone from my family visits he will start being rude and obvious he doesn’t want them there.

Ahh, so this is a not so dear H problem, you are married to a twat.

When he’s rude to your family, he’s only embarrassing himself. By toeing the line and keeping up appearances in front of his and your family, the only winner is your twat of a H and his dysfunctional relationship with his family.

Rant away but only you can change this and I don’t mean persuading your H and PIL to act like grown ups but by making it clear that you won’t be bullied or manipulated into silently being their version of a dutiful DIL.

DH problem as is so often the case.

You don’t have to live like this you know ❤️

Ah so you're also married to a dick.

That's your real problem

OP you should have fed the kids and then taken them out. DH could stay at home and inform you when they finally rock up and then you can (in no rush) when you are ready, go home. Going forward do this in the future. Give specific times of when you will be expecting them next time. And if they are more than 30 mins late with no call to say they are running late, go and do your own thing. I am of Indian heritage too and find this quite unacceptable. If they aren't pleasant to you don't converse with them.

@indianMIL

For your your sake you need to stop making a massive deal about this. Take a deep breath, learn from the experience. Especially look at how other family members deal with this kind of behaviour and watch and learn. Also just keep quiet and get on with what you want to do. Don't let her ruin today as well as yesterday. Fill your life with those who are your type of people. She will then become insignificant.

Take it from someone who has been through these exact same situations.

After reading all that, what stands out is not your relationship with the in laws but your relationship with your dh

He doesn’t sound like a supportive partner and sounds as passive aggressive as his family.

Why are you still with him ?

This.

The main problem in this is the 'DH'.

The 'DH' has no respect for her and is enabling the in-law behaviour.

Not in my world.
I am in the UK and 12.30 / 1pm is a very normal time to eat lunch.

But, even if I were invited to something at a time I thought unusual, I understand that it is up to the host to decide, and that I can accept and go for that time, or decline if for some reason I was so inflexible I couldn't change my routine.

Not that I can understand how anyone needs to "spend the whole day cleaning". That must be a choice that the OP has decided to make. I've never "spent the whole day cleaning" in my life.

Although, OP, from your post on the last page, this is clearly much more than about your PiL's manner - this is about how rude your dh is.

OP, it does seem a bit dramatic to say that you only had 4.15 hours with kids that you live with and see every day.
You don't seem understanding or accepting of the fact that your husband might experience your family in exactly the same way that you experience his family. What you experience as warm and welcoming in your family he may experience as overreaching and intrusive. It is all a matter of individual differences and individual perceptions. You may both be correct in describing the way that you experience each other's family. Some one else might have a totally different experience and response to both families.

Your husband sounds like a mummies boy , I walked out of my relationship for more or less the same problem...... Interfering Mothers of men

I sympathise, I have in laws problems too which causing problems in my marriage. I think my MIL and SIL do a lot of pretending to like me too. It's very hurtful as I fell for it. Essentially I'm not blood.

This sums up the man you're married to. This is his personality.

He's not going to change, so you can either remain in that situation for the rest of your life or ditch him.

I know what I'd do.

I think because you dont get on its excabated the issue. You'll always have frustrating times when you have a realationship with someone who you know doesnt like you.

I see three options:

1. Put up with frustrating situations for the rest of your life
2. Learn to not give a crap, and accept
3. Or have a face to face convo, just the two of you, and resolve the conflict. Try to learn what she wants, teach her what you want, and see if you can accomodate her wants. Then have time together - just you two, no kids, and active work on building and bonding. This might be hard for you to accept, but it might make your life easier in the long run

xx

Indian time (ime):

12pm Breakfast
4pm Lunch
6pm Tea
10pm Dinner

You're welcome. 😉

My husband is from a similar ish culture (Afghanistan)

I solved this problem by making sure when they never turned up at the correct time to be out.

Every time they turned up without warning (I was on the way out to an important appointment)

Now they call to ask if we will be in!
And turn up 15 mins early to arranged lunches!

I wouldn't leave DH at home alone, leave him with the kids and you go and have a day to yourself. Not ideal as you want to spend time as a family. But there is nothing worse than waiting on someone to come around and scupper your plans. We no longer do it, we give them a courteous amount of time for lateness then bugger off out if we have something to do. Obviously you can't do this because of your husbands culture. So go and have a day to yourself. See how miffed he gets, being stuck in house waiting in his parents then!

I would be livid at MIL as well. In no culture is 3:15 lunch time.
I’m also furious your DH won’t call them..at the very least he could call with excuse to ensure they are ok because they should have been at yours ages ago and what if they were in a car accident, or one was sick and had to go to the hospital? He can play the loving son act to the nth degree. It doesn’t have to be a call that goes “what the fuck, why aren’t you here? You know how my wife is”

That's awful. Hope you have a good weekend anyway. I'm a single man, but f me, that's not nice at all. Bless you. X

I can see why you would feel so upset, it looks like it’s a long and painful past for you with this family. Sending love to you.

I know Indian culture can be very, very dismissive of daughter in laws. The fact your DH shows no sign of support must make it feel further alienating too.

it’s amazing how much can be brushed off when your partner and you can give each other the look “oh jeez, these people” and have an in joke to chat about how crazy and rude they were later on. Or better yet, to stand up to them in the moment and make sure you are included and valued as part of the family.

you deserve consideration and thoughtfulness in any relationship, family or otherwise x

Sounds like your H has the same issues your MIL has.... apple doesn't fall far from the tree and all that 🤔

He accepts his mother's actions because his actions are the same.

I wouldn't be bothered about upsetting him or his mother and would make myself unavailable when she visits from now on.... and definitely no pretending everything is OK for a audience and she's a bitch every other times! Most definitely not she can keep the same two-faced attitude she's has and roll with it 🫣

Honestly it's very disrespectful how they both treat you, you deserve better than that don't put up with it 🩷

I feel for you! But next time be prepared. Buffet lunch, covered, they can help themselves and you plan a day out with the kids. The other thing that works is to smirk back, when they speak to you. Dont start conversations, its pointless.

however what is truly unacceptable is your husbands rudeness to your family! He sounds very arrogant and you need to speak to him about his attitude. If you have the kind of marriage where he works and considers himself king of the castle, whilst you are seen as the kittle housewife…you need to bring him back to earth and understand he is living in a country where men and women are equal, well, mostly and you are not accepting this arrangement.

Reminds me of my exH and exMIL. Ex being the operative word.

Rude to your family when they're nothing but nice to him and then expecting you to tolerate his family's clear rudeness to you. Disgusting.

You sound rightly frustrated and upset because you're being disrespected and unsupported - not melodramatic at all OP.

I'm not sure, by the sounds of it, that this will ever change. (Nor would it for his next wife/your MIL's next DIL if that were to happen)

Good luck

This is the problem. You are worried to a nasty mummy's boy who doesn't respect you and doesn't care about your feelings or your family.

Stop expecting the in laws to like you because they won't change. You need to change your response to them. Be out, be busy, stop cleaning the house. Your 'DH' can do it.

Rise above it and mirror good behaviour for them. Ignore their passive behaviour. They’ll know full well they are misbehaving - even though for their own reasons may not be able/ have the inclination to change. Don’t think Indian families are unique in this.

Chat away like you you’re close and ignore the looks like water off a ducks back.

Make a point to speak to speak to his parents when they ring- or even ring them for a laugh. Then when your parents ring- make DH say hello to them- it’ll too mortifying for him to ignore. If he does ignore - have a conversation with him about how this has upset you. Involve him directly in conversation when they visit.

If they’re late for lunch - tell DH you’re feeding kids lunch at a reasonable hour and then may take them out for a play . He can telephone you if they arrive prior your return.