Absolutely fuming Inlaws idea of when lunchtime is

[indianMIL]

I don’t get along with Inlaws. They have never made me feel part of the family. SIL don’t bother and every time I’ve tried to get close they make it clear “I’m not family”. We’re Indians so on the many weddings and celebrations they pretend to like me which I never understood and naively took each wedding / party as a sign they did really want to be close but I misread it that they were pretending, now I know they pretend to like me at function so I do the same.

I don’t talk to them. I made the obligatory visit where she pushes me aside to get to DH and kids and ignores me. Sorry for all the background here is the AIBU:

DH has today off and we hardly see him as he travels with work and works in the city when he is in UK so we rarely have family time. I was excited about this weekend. His mother was supposed to come at lunch to see our new house so I spent entire day cleaning and guess what she’s still not here! It’s 3:15! I’m fuming as the weather is actually nice today and been raining all week. DH as usual doesn’t see my point of view. I’ve asked him to call them and he’s refusing as they will get upset as in the culture “sons house, their house etc,” plus MIL will do her usual fake dramas of crying and saying she didn’t realise she needs an appointment to see her family.

im really pissed off. He said I should say something to them when they arrive if I’m so upset (he’s not remotely upset or annoyed that they’re not here yet) I know and he knows I won’t because it will erupt and my kids don’t need to have their holiday ruined. Bloody bitch.

Same.

My ILs are Indian and it's so so different.

Timings are very fluid! We can all be ready to leave the house to go out somewhere (that's a mission in itself!) then FIL decides he needs a shower or something equally ridiculous (IMO).

Nowadays I just tell them what we're doing and they can join or not as they see fit. It kind of works!

She's just playing power games. My
MIL has done a lot worse. I'm from
The Indian culture.

The best way to deal with her is to act like you don't give a shit. Eat your lunch with your kids. Give her her lunch when she comes and don't acknowledge her lateness.
Make sure her son eats before she does too. Then she'll realise she needs to do as she says she is going to do. If she asks why you've eaten just say we thought you might not be coming, we waited an hour.

Anything you say will be twisted and used against you. So try not to react.

Next time don't make her food. Just start cooking something when she actually turns up. Make it simple and quick.

We had a lovely neighbour like this (non Indian) married to an Indian guy and we once had a conversation about this. Her general opinion was that to them time wasn't really important because it was expected she would never be going anywhere much and would be 'in' - because they never went anywhere much unless visiting relatives- never went out etc- cultural things can be so different sometimes to what would be normal to someone not from that background and not always the same within that culture too.

Culture is completely irrelevant. She knows she's mucking you about, and you're letting her.

I hope you did as PPs suggested and went out for the rest of the day either with or without your children.

You need to start doing that going forward. Set an exact time ("lunch will be on the table at 12, see you then) and if she doesn't show you simply start eating and go about your day as normal. If she's late just repeat that you told her lunch was at 1 and she should have phoned to say she was running late.

You need to start biting back. Keep it polite and matter of fact. She'll fucking hate it but you'll put an end to her mucking about with your head.

To be honest I'd cut all communication. She's made it clear she doesn't like you. Let your husband do all the communicating, planning, arranging, cooking etc from now on. Sometimes you might be around, other times you might be out doing other things. Don't revolve your life around her. Just crack on doing your own thing. She's his mother.

My MIL used to be really bad for it, so I started being really explicit about the expected time for things e.g. not “lunchtime” but “why don’t you come round at 12.30 and we’ll eat at 1”. Then I’d serve lunch at 1pm and if she wasn’t there tough. She’s now quite punctual for events at my house!

this sounds good, combined with this

The best way to deal with her is to act like you don't give a shit. Eat your lunch with your kids. Give her her lunch when she comes and don't acknowledge her lateness.
Make sure her son eats before she does too. Then she'll realise she needs to do as she says she is going to do. If she asks why you've eaten just say we thought you might not be coming, we waited an hour.

I'd just go out (all of you if possible, it leave your spineless DH indoors) and switch phones off. Done. If they show up hours late, act amazed and say you assumed they'd forgotten and weren't wasting any more of such a beautiful day else it would be unfair on the kids. No drama required and point clearly made.

Your DH can spend his day cleaning the house before his family visits in future.

He should have agreed an exact time rather than a general lunchtime
Lesson learnt for next time.
That said he should just pick up the phone to see where they are.

Fuck that! I would have said lunch is at Xpm, see you then. Lunch goes ahead at agreed time. Still no sign of ILs? Head out somewhere nearby, tell ILs where you are and they can join you there when they arrive. You have a DH problem, he needs to grow a pair.

OP, if her response to you is largely cultural and not personal, perhaps you can place not so much stock in her responses. If someone that I disliked or was not fond of but I was required to interact chose to be late or even a no show, I would be pleased that the amount of time during which I was forced to spend with her was lessened.

These cultural nuances are things with which you must have some familiarity even if you don't practice or subscribe. You must have had an inkling about this possibility before you married into the family.

Keep your distance to the extent possible, and stop expecting her to behave differently. You know what you are dealing with and what the motivators are behind the behavior.

Treat her with the civility that you owe any guest visiting in your home, beyond that have no expectations that the relationship will change.

This woman will never fall into the category of friend, she will also fall into the category of obligatory relationship. Once you accept the relationship for what it is, you will begin to assign little to no significance to her actions and behaviors. Time and distance are on your side.

.

Bless you, your Mil is doing it on purpose being a freaking Moo 🐮.
personally I would draw a line between culture and being a doormat and I pior take the kids out and let hubby home .

They’re here now and really annoying me. I’m trying to make effort by talking but she’s got a smirk on her face throughout every conversation and keeps looking at her husband smirking. I’m just general chatting about the holidays and the activities I’m doing with the kids. DH doesn’t chat to them which is a real weird set up. So awkward. I didn’t say anything about the time. They got here an hour ago.

I’ve just taken kids for a quick scooter around the block to get away. They make me feel really stupid and weird. I don’t have the personality to sit there in silence like DH Does but every polite attempt at conversation is met with silence or a smirk or a weird response like “well that’s up to you”. That’s their response like passive aggressive like “up to you”.

Did you go out for the afternoon ? It is awful having your day wasted by someone else so I hope you went out and enjoyed the weather with your children. I agree with others to set boundaries and to be specific about times. Maybe you could say please arrive between 12 and 1 to give flexibility if that is cultural. My friend is Indian and she tells me that women are expected to serve their mother in law in her culture. So it must be difficult for you to break out of that. Do you think it is possible ?

So if they’re not there at the end of lunchtime just go out. Don’t stay in for them.

Sorry I didn’t see your most recent posts before I wrote mine

I think you sound very melodramatic. Did you specify a time? Why did you dash about cleaning on behalf of someone you don't like? Just delegate that shit to your DH and put your feet up, or all go out. I mean, you didn't want to see his parents, anyway, did you, so there's no loss!

My DH used to not chat to his parents when they came round.

Which would have been fine if it wasn't for them sticking to me like glue when I didn't actually like them.

We had some firm words about the fact his parents visited for his benefit, not mine, plus me making myself unavailable during a visit and he bucked his ideas up and started entertaining them.

If you took the kids out for most of the day 'as I didn't know when you would be coming and it's a shame to waste such a lovely day stuck indoors' your DH would have been stuck with his parents and forced to interact with them.

God how tedious they are.

Blimey. If it bothers you that much, just go out. You should’ve done so before you whipped yourself up.

You don't have to be there when they visit, you know. Since it's not you they're coming to see, just go out and do something you enjoy. Let your DH deal with them. And don't clean for them. Does he clean for your family?

Well take the kids for a milk shake or something and stay out for an hour or so. Fuck them. If DH cba to talk to his own parents, why should you bother?

I know two Indian friends who married Germans. Timing was a HUGE challenge, the main difference from your case being that everyone laughed about it. Both families now clearly state "lunch is at 12pm German timing". The timing is a red herring, if you get along then you work that out. The issue is that you don't like PIL and think they don't like you. So it's up to you to just relax; less cleaning, do something in the morning, serve the food when you want, just let them talk etc.

I would second the, “we are eating at x o’clock” and carry on suggestion. Don’t try to fill silences, if they respond like that to everything you say just don’t say anything. you are doing it to be polite but they are treating you awfully rudely. Their son can talk to them. If it gets boring after ten minutes just say “going to take the kids out to stretch their legs and just go for a nice long walk.

a lot of people referencing food when it’s not clear if the arrangement was just to go round and see the new house , OP hasn’t mentioned cooking for them just cleaning which is something that won’t expire with a delay. Dunno but to me lunchtime is a time not a guarantee if lunch being consumed p

Well send the kids upstairs and then tell these chancers to get the fuck out of your house. You’re pissed off with their shit and they are no longer welcome.