Absolutely fuming Inlaws idea of when lunchtime is

[indianMIL]

I don’t get along with Inlaws. They have never made me feel part of the family. SIL don’t bother and every time I’ve tried to get close they make it clear “I’m not family”. We’re Indians so on the many weddings and celebrations they pretend to like me which I never understood and naively took each wedding / party as a sign they did really want to be close but I misread it that they were pretending, now I know they pretend to like me at function so I do the same.

I don’t talk to them. I made the obligatory visit where she pushes me aside to get to DH and kids and ignores me. Sorry for all the background here is the AIBU:

DH has today off and we hardly see him as he travels with work and works in the city when he is in UK so we rarely have family time. I was excited about this weekend. His mother was supposed to come at lunch to see our new house so I spent entire day cleaning and guess what she’s still not here! It’s 3:15! I’m fuming as the weather is actually nice today and been raining all week. DH as usual doesn’t see my point of view. I’ve asked him to call them and he’s refusing as they will get upset as in the culture “sons house, their house etc,” plus MIL will do her usual fake dramas of crying and saying she didn’t realise she needs an appointment to see her family.

im really pissed off. He said I should say something to them when they arrive if I’m so upset (he’s not remotely upset or annoyed that they’re not here yet) I know and he knows I won’t because it will erupt and my kids don’t need to have their holiday ruined. Bloody bitch.

Your husband does not sound very nice to be honest...

Could be worse. My old manager's FIL died and, cultural responsibility she said, MIL promptly moved in with her son and family. For good. She was really p'-d off as they had to fill in their swimming pool to build a granny flat. They didn't get on, last I heard she'd been living there for 15 years "every day is hell".

Grow some and say something when she turns up

i am indian this is so typical

Girl I feel your pain. Things were fine then they weren’t. Thought my “H” was backing me up and he wasn’t. Fast forward thru some yrs and I decide enough and reached out to the sil. I thought things were cool but my mil would make comments thru text with underlying meanings. The last straw was when I texted bout a party for my son and my mil responded to my sil not realizing I’d see it. It took a couple hrs to respond cuz I was gonna go off something fierce. My Dad passed a couple yrs ago n he was my world. They didn’t bother reaching out while my Dad was sick and when he died. I got a pathetic “sorry for ur loss sending hugs” from my sil and that was it. Not once did they call n ask if anything was needed, checked on the kids, absolutely nothing. I had enough n ended up responding in the text to them n bought my H into it…..my meaning was all there in a “nice” way pointing out the kids n I are still tryna pick up the pieces n H can’t jump in and help me, he didn’t when it was all happening n said just that n said I was sorry for thinking H was letting them know shit n thinkn he’d step up for once n that 1 time in over 15yrs, I didn’t say anything cuz I thought H did……I haven’t responded to anything from them, I no longer bother with seeing how they all are, nothing. I’ve had 1 party since n put it in a group along w/ my fam n friends, the ones that been there for us. Of course mil responds saying surgeries are coming up and blah blah……what is messed up is they NEVER tell me what is going on whether it’s bout my sils kids or my in laws health shit, absolutely nothing. I do it once n the world is ending. That told me what I already knew “they talked behind my back”. They are nothing but dramatic, liars, and fake. I happier now without bothering with them. It’s sad since my 14yr old has fallen into their “poor us” trap and my 9yr old never hears from them or anything. The 22yr old Can care less now. They’ve never made an effort to visit us, even after I had my 2 with the H. They come to parties n that’s it. They actually haven’t been to a party in over 2yrs too. I had to step away. It’s not healthy mentally and when you go thru something major like I did n they not there, it really messes u up. I heard from my mil once when my dad was sick n it was all bout how my H is worried. I’m sorry hun but u don’t know ur son, he hasn’t done a thing to help me, he just watches when I crumble, it’s pathetic. Sometimes u have to do what best for urself in these situations. I tried letting it go but I can’t anymore, it’s not fair. It’s not fair to you or your children either. At the end of the day, it’s their loss, not yours.

Take the kids to the park and leave a note on the door for her tocome join you.

Because, on a nice day, where the OP wants to spend time with HER DC, the children should not be forced to miss out because some over-entitled harridan is going to show up at some point to see what havoc she can wreak on the household. I don't really care if it's "the culture", making her children abide by it only makes this cultural tradition go on when it needs to be put into the nearest dumpster.
OP: If you lay yourself at the feet of your MIL/ILs; don't be shocked when they use you as a doormat. You cannot change how they act, that's up to them. But, you can change how you are treated by the way you act. Undervaluing yourself will only teach others (like your DC/DH) to undervalue you and perpetuate a culture that would be better for everyone if eased into the 21st century.

In my heritage, my culture is English, this 8s referred to as 'soon come'.

*is

So, your "DH" is anything but dear. Got it. I do not understand why you let anyone treat you like this. Your children watch this and grow up to act just like your DH/ILs and you. You perpetuate a culture within a culture that thinks demeaning the wife/mother of the ILs is acceptable. It's not the culture as a whole, it's some of the people within that culture doing what they want, treating others like crap and then having the "it's our culture" excuse.
The fact that you are with a man who treats you and your side of the family like this is very telling. If he isn't willing to work on it and work on treating you as a person with immense value to the world, then you need to think about what lessons you want your children to learn.

@Nanaof1
OP and her MIL are both adults. They have the right to manage their relationship as adults. There is absolutely no reason to involve the children in their differences.
These children probably love both their mother and their grandmother. They should not be used as pawns in the acrimony existing between these 2 adult women.

When these children are older , they will form their own opinion about the relationship that exist between mom and grandmother, and it will be informed by what they know of mom and grandmother. At this early stage, the only thing that they need to know is that both mom and grandmother love them.

If mom steps out for a bit, there is absolutely no reason why the children should be taken from the home unless the mom functions on a theory of " my enemy is by default their enemy. " The OP has in no way suggested that her MIL is unkind or abusive to the children. It is also likely that at a young age these children are too self absorbed to pay much if any attention to the way that mom and grandmother interact. OP is not teaching her children about kindness by taking the kids away from their grandparents if the grandparents are perceived by the children as people that they love.

Is it?!
I have lived in England all my life (over 40 years) and have been eating at the wrong time apparently.

It definitely isn't a cultural thing and sad to see many replies calling out a certain culture on this.
it is just the two people not liking each other. The guest is late for lunch. The host never bothered to check on them, is there a problem or something? nor did the guest bothered to inform. In normal circumstances one of the two would happen.

That’s interesting, which part of the country do you come from and what time do you eat lunch?

Only you didn’t only have 4 hours with the kids. You could have spent time with them before in laws arrived rather than raging.

Just north of London, around 2 usually. If I was booking a table at a restaurant it would be at 2pm. If I was cooking at home I would aim for around 2 to serve it. Big occasions, Christmas etc I would probably aim for a bit later.

It’s your husband, he doesn’t do anything and your MIL sees that as a green light. He’s perpetuating the idea that you need to sit there and take it or he’ll punish you afterwards. Your husband is a giant twat. I’m Indian, no this is not normal, most of the couples I know in my family eyeroll each other over this kind of thing. My in-laws are genuinely lovely thank god but I know DH would tackle it head on of there was a problem from his side of the family. We’ve both done it for each other before. You are supposed to be a team but he’s letting the side down here. Does he think he’s done you a favour by marrying you? Do you even like each other? Because I can’t see how you could like him very much.

Next time, invite them for lunch at a specific time: 12/1/2pm
Eat at this time whether they are there or not. Afterwards go out to the park with the DC, leave DH at home if he prefers.
PIL can have cold or reheated food on their own or with DH.

They will soon learn.

I'm sure if she went out without the children there would be a lot of nastiness about her 'neglecting her duties'

@Redebs
If you are correct and there is going to be nasty comments no matter what she does, then why prevent the children from seeing their grandparents. That action will only stop the children from having a happy encounter with their grandparents and won't improve the OP's situation in any way.

I am from the same culture and although sadly this kind of stuff was expected in the past, it really isnt the norm for many British Indian families now. I feel terrible for the generations of Indian women who have had to live like this in the past. Nowadays we have choices, freedom and voices to stop this control and manipulation being passed off as culture. Think about the culture you will be passing down to your own children.

You sound incredibly frustrated and unhappy with your DH and his family. The first step is going to be thinking about your relationship with your DH. How does he help and support you? Is he even on your team?

Tell your inlaws that you will be serving lunch to your kids at 1pm and, afterwards, you will be taking them out to enjoy the sunshine. It is usual in Indian families for the parents to be the head of the family and expect their children to fall into line. Explain to your DH how you feel and that you are no longer going to fall into their line. He is standing back because he doesn't want to upset his parents but doesn't seem to care that you are upset. My DH didn't even notice how badly his family treated me until I put my foot down after an unpleasant incident which caused extreme distress. I didn't stop him seeing his family but it was under my terms. My sons wanted nothing to do with them and only said hello before going out. His father died when he was young and the poison came from MIL. Once she died I refused to have any further contact with his family and my sons feel the same. You have to be careful because your DH's behaviour will affect your DCs at some point.

@Vgt6y357

I agree. It really pisses me off when people make plans and then just don’t turn up. So I won’t wait around - screw them.

I had a friend call once to ask to come and pick up something he’d loaned me. Actually made a specific plan. An hour after he was supposed to arrive, I just left the house to go to the pool purely because I was pissed off at being expected to sit around all day!

He texted a couple of hours later, wondering why I wasn’t home… uh, did you really expect me to be? You called this morning and said you were coming by at X time. You didn’t make the plan 6 months ago and forget the exact time!

If people want to live her, and millions do, wouldn't they want our 'culture' too

You are woefully naive.

Kids model themselves on the adults around them. It’s already clear that the father has absorbed his parents’ bad behaviour, and now here’s an opportunity for another generation to be ruined by it.

This.
min future let him do the cleaning and cooking for his mother ..
Tell him you’re not doing it anymore because she treats you like shit.