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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming Inlaws idea of when lunchtime is

185 replies

indianMIL · 07/04/2023 15:20

I don’t get along with Inlaws. They have never made me feel part of the family. SIL don’t bother and every time I’ve tried to get close they make it clear “I’m not family”. We’re Indians so on the many weddings and celebrations they pretend to like me which I never understood and naively took each wedding / party as a sign they did really want to be close but I misread it that they were pretending, now I know they pretend to like me at function so I do the same.

I don’t talk to them. I made the obligatory visit where she pushes me aside to get to DH and kids and ignores me. Sorry for all the background here is the AIBU:

DH has today off and we hardly see him as he travels with work and works in the city when he is in UK so we rarely have family time. I was excited about this weekend. His mother was supposed to come at lunch to see our new house so I spent entire day cleaning and guess what she’s still not here! It’s 3:15! I’m fuming as the weather is actually nice today and been raining all week. DH as usual doesn’t see my point of view. I’ve asked him to call them and he’s refusing as they will get upset as in the culture “sons house, their house etc,” plus MIL will do her usual fake dramas of crying and saying she didn’t realise she needs an appointment to see her family.

im really pissed off. He said I should say something to them when they arrive if I’m so upset (he’s not remotely upset or annoyed that they’re not here yet) I know and he knows I won’t because it will erupt and my kids don’t need to have their holiday ruined. Bloody bitch.

OP posts:
Redebs · 07/04/2023 22:11

Wife

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/04/2023 22:45

Do not arrange anything that is dependent on them turning up at a particular time.

So meals - 'I am serving lunch at 1pm' or 'dinner will be on the table at 7pm' etc and then carry on as normal, if they show, they show, if not, theirs is plated up and kept to one side for them.

Clean when it suits you. Don't clean for them. If they don't like it, let them bitch to their son about it and ignore!

Don't wait around, making you wait for her is a huge control thing for your MIL, so be there for the time you invited her for and not outside that time - again, if she wants to bitch to her son about this, fine, she is free to do so, ignore, this isn't about you, it is about her.

She may belt up and behave better, or she may not - again this is entirely on her and if she isn't going to change, you can't make her, but you CAN change how you respond to her behaviour, by severely limiting how it impacts you.

Put the ball in her court every single time - if you want to do something and she wants to come over, tell her 'text me when you set off' or 'text when you're 10 minutes away'... and you can then do as you please until then, giving you the freedom to go out, do stuff etc. If she doesn't let you know, well she will find that you and the kids are out, or busy doing something - tough titty!

JudgeJ · 07/04/2023 22:49

in the culture “sons house, their house etc,”

Is this your culture too? No-one should be bullied into accepting a 'culture' which deliberately demeans them. Tell them that your of the culture 'our mortgage/rent, our house'. I would eat my lunch and give them a sandwich when they deign to appear, better still let the little prince you're tied to make them a sandwich.

JudgeJ · 07/04/2023 22:52

Trinityloop · 07/04/2023 15:30

This is a cultural thing. I'm from a similar culture (judging from your description). Timings just don't work in the same way.

It's completely common to be several hours late to absolutely anything, regardless of importance. If I invited my family for lunch, they would arrive 4 ish probably.

If this 'culture' accepts being constantly very late then it's a bloody ignorant 'culture'.

JudgeJ · 07/04/2023 23:01

Redebs · 07/04/2023 22:11

In some cultures the wife is expected to be at the beck and call of her inlaws, whereas the husband, their son, is not. All that is expected of him is to keep his qife in line.

I have seen women having to care for a demanding father-in-law and her own children, while her husband took very little responsibility for anything, appearing whenever he was hungry for a full home-cooked meal, then off out with friends again.

In-laws have greater entitlement to the woman's attention than the children by virtue of their age. Children are fed and clothed, but otherwise left to their own devices. Boys often bully sisters, unchallenged.

The situation is maintained through cultural expectations and claims to be religious, bullying, threats, verbal abuse and physical violence.

Sound like a very abusive culture yet people are happy to accept it! More fool them.

Trinityloop · 07/04/2023 23:29

JudgeJ · 07/04/2023 22:52

If this 'culture' accepts being constantly very late then it's a bloody ignorant 'culture'.

Show quote history

It's just a different culture. I'm my sister for example invited me for lunch and I turned up at 12.30 shed probably not be in, be still drying her hair etc.

When you give times, you don't expect people to turn up at them and it's almost considered rude if you do (its like turning up several hours early)

Some cultures if you said 12.00 for example would turn up around 12, others arrive early eg. For 12, others any time after 12.

Things like weddings etc are often several hours behind so its not seen as a reluctance or that people are arsing you around

Zanina · 07/04/2023 23:30

Well if there's a next time, you might want to forget to add salt to their food

I have similar shit in my life too i Don't talk or entertain them. Don't ask anything that needs their say or approval. You're the woman of your home you're in charge. Your husband can do the talking. If they ask you anything, direct it to their son. Eat and feed your kids if they're late. Busy with tasks and getting your kids to bed and giving them attention. The less you do the more your husband will have to step up to his duty and once things that start impact him, you will see how much he is able to talk to his parents to behave. When its impacting you he may see it as not his problem.

SkyandSurf · 07/04/2023 23:31

Redebs · 07/04/2023 22:11

In some cultures the wife is expected to be at the beck and call of her inlaws, whereas the husband, their son, is not. All that is expected of him is to keep his qife in line.

I have seen women having to care for a demanding father-in-law and her own children, while her husband took very little responsibility for anything, appearing whenever he was hungry for a full home-cooked meal, then off out with friends again.

In-laws have greater entitlement to the woman's attention than the children by virtue of their age. Children are fed and clothed, but otherwise left to their own devices. Boys often bully sisters, unchallenged.

The situation is maintained through cultural expectations and claims to be religious, bullying, threats, verbal abuse and physical violence.

My husbands parents were like this with me. I don't think it was cultural, just good old fashioned entitlement with a dash of misogyny.

OP, remember there are two cultures in your family- yours and theirs. Why must you automatically adapt to theirs, especially in your own home?

Next time, tell them the time for their visit- 'we look forward to seeing you at 12:30' and if they aren't there an hour later, go out. Text saying 'sorry to miss you today, we're taking the children out now. Hope we can find another time' let them show up and find you gone if that's what it takes. I doubt it would happen twice.

If DH wants to uphold this aspect of his culture then he can, by himself.

I would also have a word with him about speaking with his own parents during their visits and not leaving the chit chat to you.

Zipadeebooyah · 07/04/2023 23:41

@SkyandSurf

Next time, tell them the time for their visit- 'we look forward to seeing you at 12:30' and if they aren't there an hour later, go out. Text saying 'sorry to miss you today, we're taking the children out now. Hope we can find another time' let them show up and find you gone if that's what it takes. I doubt it would happen twice.

Absolutely love this 🙌🏻

Mari9999 · 07/04/2023 23:53

Why should OP need to take the children out? The grandparents likely want to see their grandchildren and the children likely enjoy seeing their grandparents.

It is the OP and the grandmother who seemingly do not enjoy each other's presence and company. Well it may not be well received, but the OP can find reasons to be absent for some of the visits. The MIl.will.probably express indignation over her absence, but she was going to be offended by something anyway.

Anoisagusaris · 07/04/2023 23:57

12.30 would be ridiculously early for a social lunch…..unless all invitees are 2.

also, just being pedantic, but how did you spend the entire cleaning when you were posting mid-afternoon?

TomeTome · 08/04/2023 07:58

Anoisagusaris · 07/04/2023 23:57

12.30 would be ridiculously early for a social lunch…..unless all invitees are 2.

also, just being pedantic, but how did you spend the entire cleaning when you were posting mid-afternoon?

How odd. Lunch in the UK is traditionally served at 1pm, turning up after 12:30 is shockingly rude it’s usually “12 for 1” so you have time for a drink first. Preschoolers lunch might be at 12.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 08/04/2023 09:04

Time is elastic in many cultures, my husband's for one (not Indian, eastern Europe). Everyone understands the parameters and being quite late is completely expected. It's problematic in the UK and when he returns home for that reason, because we are used to being on time. It's a social code, not rudeness.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 08/04/2023 09:05

I also agree it's fine to set the time in your own home and proceed on, I'm more understanding when abroad as the whole set up is designed for people to come late e.g. food served in small plates over several hours, no-one sits down to dinner and eats it all in 20 min and needs it to be hot, meals last many hours and people often pop in and out.

TomeTome · 08/04/2023 09:11

It's a social code, not rudeness.
breaking social codes or expected manners IS rude. That’s what “rude” means aka “ill-mannered”.

Sodd · 08/04/2023 09:14

Personally I’d have everything ready, take the kids out and tell the parents to text once they have arrived at your house. You’ll then return to the house yourself.

padsi1975 · 08/04/2023 09:16

Op, hold your nerve and DO NOT chit chat. Stay silent unless spoken to. Let your dh and family to it, not your problem. My dh has a family member I don't like and if he visits I go out. If my dh wants to see him, he knows he will have to visit and take kids without me. It caused a bit of annoyance at first but my dh now knows its pointless pushing it as he knows my position and that's that. You head off out somewhere, leave dh and kids to it. It's your dh family, you don't get on. Don't stop him or kids seeing them but you can minimise your involvement. Good luck.

Kanaloa · 08/04/2023 09:25

Trinityloop · 07/04/2023 23:29

It's just a different culture. I'm my sister for example invited me for lunch and I turned up at 12.30 shed probably not be in, be still drying her hair etc.

When you give times, you don't expect people to turn up at them and it's almost considered rude if you do (its like turning up several hours early)

Some cultures if you said 12.00 for example would turn up around 12, others arrive early eg. For 12, others any time after 12.

Things like weddings etc are often several hours behind so its not seen as a reluctance or that people are arsing you around

Show quote history

But again, this is obviously not just a ‘cultural’ thing because op (from the same culture) finds it rude. So clearly they are not all in agreement that their culture finds this acceptable behaviour.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 08/04/2023 09:27

No, everyone in a given culture doesn't find the same things rude, as we see hourly on mumsnet threads! But there are differences in time management in different nations and cultures broadly speaking, and not knowing that makes you seem a tiny bit narrow-minded. 12.30 for a 1pm lunch is not a thing in many cultures!

gotmychristmasmiracle · 08/04/2023 09:35

I wouldn't worry about oh family, it's up to husband to manage. At least you missed an awkward afternoon of politeness. So did they even turned up in the end ?

maddening · 08/04/2023 09:38

If dh doesn't chat follow his lead imo, let the silence hang.

TomeTome · 08/04/2023 09:39

Highdaysandholidays1 · 08/04/2023 09:27

No, everyone in a given culture doesn't find the same things rude, as we see hourly on mumsnet threads! But there are differences in time management in different nations and cultures broadly speaking, and not knowing that makes you seem a tiny bit narrow-minded. 12.30 for a 1pm lunch is not a thing in many cultures!

Which is why I expressly said it was the norm in the UK not in a particular culture. @indianMIL s in laws are not behaving like this to enhance her status or enjoyment and should be adapting to HER expectations in her home. They are attempting to undermine her and they know it.

Original poster
indianMIL · 08/04/2023 09:42

The problem with not being there is that my DH will take it out on me for example when anyone from my family visits he will start being rude and obvious he doesn’t want them there. There’s a huge difference between his behaviour and mine - I would genuinely like them if they didn’t make me feel awkward. My family is warm and welcoming to him but he’s always off with them and acts like his parents just silent and cold.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 08/04/2023 09:43

This is who they are and they aren’t going to change and this is who your H is and he isn’t going to change either. Prioritising people who treat you like an option is never going to end well.

If you want to keep your sanity, you need to accept that this is who these people are (H included). Next time, given them until 14:00 and go out with your children. Your H can stay home and enjoy the awkward exchanges.

Original poster
indianMIL · 08/04/2023 09:45

To the person who said I’m being melodramatic and it was only 3:15! Well you obviously don’t have young kids whose bedtime is at 7:30.l, and yes I stick to bedtimes at holidays too. Due to the fact I spent the day cleaning and making sure there was enough food that meant I only had 4.15 hours with my kids.

OP posts: