Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

I wouldn’t be encouraging my teenage son to quit his education and start daddy day care that’s for sure.

I'd be hoping the pregnancy didn't proceed, in the interests of all concerned, but equally aware I get no say.

If the baby was born, my son would bear the same responsibility as any other father. I'd expect and hope he (and I) would be involved in the child's upbringing and I'd do everything humanly possible to support both parents to stay in education.

I've even considered how we could arrange our current living arrangements to allow an independent living space for the couple and baby here. It didn't happen for us, DSs are older now, but there was a spell when I worried it might.

I think there are no legal requirements for the boys to do anything. But ethically the boy's family may want to get involved in caring for their flesh and blood.

A friend of mine became grandmother recently when her DS (17YO) became a dad. It was the girl's decision to keep the baby. They were initially shocked and wanted nothing to do with it. But eventually came round to shoving the baby with love. Both families are now incredibly supportive of the teenage mum and baby, which helps a lot. Nobody knows what's in the future. It might get complicated when the teens move on in life but it might not have to, as long as there is love and support. A baby is a blessing.

So what would you expect/want to happen?

how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support?

The boy should take equal responsibility, just as the mum should and just as a grown man should, it’s happened at the end of the day, and the mum not wanting to put themselves through a termination doesn’t mean they wanted a baby either, termination just isn’t a simple option for some people. No he shouldn’t quit education, that’s a daft decision that helps the short term but not long.

Him to finish education so that ultimately he can get a better job to support the child better longer term, rather than just for the first couple of years.

Run for the hills!
I'd send him to boarding school i think , then university with no forwarding address for either

How does he support the child while he’s still studying?

Part time job… just like any other student parent would.

I would expect my sons to take responsibility for their actions, and as their parents DH and I would have to take the financial cost until they have finished education.

I've spoken at length with them about various issues around growing up. They are fully aware that if there was a an accidental pregnancy they have no say in the outcome. I'd provide whatever child care was needed so my DS and the girl could finish education.

It would need to be a pretty easy degree to faciliate working enough paid hours to support themselves and a child as well .

I would expect my son to take equal responsibility but that would include finishing his education and still thinking longer term. My sister was a teen mum and she managed to get a degree so I would hope if this happened both him and the mother could still forge good futures doing what they wanted whilst sharing care and finances.

It's a risk that woman take when having sex that they could end up pregnant. It's a risk that men take that they get no choice. Either go with condoms and accept the risk or abstinence. I'd hope that we could provide financial assistance until he's earning and that we would try and cultivate a relationship with the mother and our grandchild. My boys are only babies though. I hope we'll have raised them to want to support their own child.

I used to say to my nephews, YOU take care (condoms) as you won’t get to chose. Awareness is the first step to prevention.
They are now in their late 20’s and it wasn’t an issue, but they would have had a moral tie to the child and a responsibility for the rest of their lives. However, many do ‘run for the hills’ as @nighthawk99 unpleasantly suggests

I really hope this doesn’t happen, but if it did, then I’d definitely encourage my son to continue his education and work part time to support the child. We’d support the mother until our son (and gf) was through education.
I’d be horrified if he didn’t take his role as father seriously. He’s got a great father as a role model so I know he knows the importance of that.

I wouldn’t encourage them to live together at that age, but presuming the mother was the same age, hopefully she would live with her parents. If not, we would help with accommodation costs for her.

My son is 19 so a bit older but I hope if he has kids, it’s way, way in the future.

I would expect any outcome to be shared equally.

So if both the teen parents wanted to continue education they both should have the opportunity by sharing care.

If the mum wants to stay at home then that is their choice and the father should do 50% if NRP. If they aren't allowed to do 50% it shouldn't be used as a stick to beat them with.

They should pay CMS on earned income as any NRP should. But I wouldn't expect them to quit education to do that. If you are to provide the best life for a child then qualifications help towards that.

It's never clear cut though. I believe that pregnancy is the responsibility of both those having sex. It's a risk both take and both have to accept the consequences of that decision.

However ..... I agree with you that often the man gets less choice in whether the baby is brought into the world or not. Fair enough it's the woman's body. But there's always that fine line that exists when one sex gets to make a decision that effects the other about where the fairness completely lies.

The boy gets to make a choice when he has sex. I'd suggest a teenage boy refrain from sex until he is mature enough to deal with the possible consequences.

The op is toned like the boy who is the father of a teen pregnancy is somehow a victim if he gets some pregnant and they decide to keep the baby. He isn't.

I wouldn't be encouraging a son to give up their education, but I would be encouraging them to recognise their responsibility.

I wouldn’t expect them to earn enough to pay all the child’s expenses but actions have consequences so yes I’d expect them to work as well as study and contribute. They may need to adjust their study schedule to part time rather than full time

I agree with this!

If he couldnt manage he would have to do it part time and suck it up.

the key thing is that the chances of a woman getting pregnant from her taking one form of contraception like the pill and him using a condom are incredibly small. A woman going on the pill should not be the signal for a man to stop using condoms.

you shouldn't plan for what if he got someone pregnant, what little could he get away , you should be reinforcing and reinforcing and reinforcing the need for him to use a condom properly each and every single time.

I don't know what the right answer is in terms of what the boy or his family should do. However I do think that whether he used protection or not is only partially relevant. No contraception is 100% reliable and since it is up for the woman to make the choice as to what to do about the pregnancy, any man/boy who has sex should do it knowingly that there is always that risk and responsibility attached to it.

I actually think the boy in this situation is a victim, as is the girl. They’re both victims of the contraceptive failure. The girl is then a victim further of either a termination or a pregnancy and motherhood. The boy is a victim of lack of choice, and fatherhood.

When I got pregnant as a teen it was a no brainer for me, as I knew I didn’t want a baby, and nor did my boyfriend. But if I hadn’t been certain, I would have taken my boyfriend's feelings into consideration. It would have been pretty disastrous for him to be a father then, as he had just started a demanding job and was quite mentally fragile too. I’d like to think most girls would think beyond what only they themselves want.

I think it also depends on your family setup. If it was my DSS, I think his maternal grandparents might take on a babysitting role, as this was their set up when DSS was growing up.

However for my DS, my parents didnt want to get involved in doing this, so we didnt have it

I think I would pay CM assuming its not 50/50 but that would the limit to what we could do, we have to work to afford life, so giving up work to take of a baby wouldnt be possible. I would certainly encourage DS to stay in education, but would expect him to take on a part time job and for that money to go towards the baby.

Would it? Not if they can live with parents. Student finance takes account of dependents also.

What if they were at university too far away from home?