Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

I would be disgusted if DS ran for the hills.
I would expect him to take full responsibility and work out the best way forwards. What that would look like would depend on his age and personality. Some boys that might be get a job immediately. Others might be go to uni but choose one closer to their baby. Or study part-time to enable some working. Or Open University. Loads of possibilities.

I would make sure my son continued with his education as in the long run it would be better for him to get a good education so he can get a good paid job to support a baby as it grows.

I would offer as much support as I could in regards to money and looking after the baby when needed.

I would expect both my son and the girl (once the baby is out of the new born stage) to get a job part time to support the baby.

I would expect both my son and the girl (once the baby is out of the new born stage) to get a job part time to support the baby

Just curious (genuinely), would you also expect him to do 50% of the childcare?

I also wouldn't automatically assume the teen pregnancy was a disaster. I actually know a couple where the girl got pregnant at 16 to a boy who was 20 and they are married now with other children and in their 50s. Rare but can happen.

See, this sort of person (and the fact that those around you agree) boggles my mind. I was raised in a high-achieving milieu so I do understand the desire to attend a top uni, get on the property ladder in a nice area asap, 2.5 kids and a nice garden, etc.

At the same time, surely the most basic rule of parenting is to not actively mould your child into a despicable human being? Genuine question – are social appearances more important to you than the fact that your son abandoned a living baby, and will have to live with that fact for the rest of his life? You could pressure/bully the girl into an abortion, but if she has to be bullied into it, I would personally worry about the long-term impact on her.

I think the cherry on top for me is that you wouldn't expect anything from the father if your daughter got pregnant. I don't understand if it's some kind of baked in misogyny where the girl has to take it all, or just really warped values about social climbing (as long as ONE of them - aka the boy - makes it up the social ladder)!

@candieland
No amount if pressure takes you by the ha nah d and walks you into an abortion clinic. Ultimately that decision is always in the hands of the female. Parents can threaten to abandon you, the father can threaten to end the relationship, the father's parents can blame you and indicate that they will not provide assistance and support , these are always a part of the risk calculus involved when you decide to have sex protected or otherwise.

Teens may not always think about this in the moment, but on some level they know that they alone are not prepared to have and support a child. Blaming pressure is just another way of refusing to accept the ultimate responsibility for your own actions and decisions.

Boys and men are aware that no form of protection is 100 percent effective, even multiple forms can fail and the morning after pill is also not 100 percent effective. They are also aware that girls and women have bodily autonomy. They decide to have consensual sex with the knowledge it can result in a baby. They are not victims of girls and women exercising their right to bodily autonomy when contraceptives fail.

My DDs, now early 20’s and at Uni, have encountered lots of boys who try to refuse to use condoms. One DD said - no condom = no sex, your choice. The one said - that’s perfect cos I want a baby - she doesn’t- and at every excuse he tried she said / no, I’m ready to be a mother. That sent him running.

Personally if my son got someone pregnant, I'd expect him to fulfil his legal obligations towards the child at the very least. I hope that I'd have raised a boy willing to be a father and amicably coparent.

Exactly, I’ve only met one man in my life who suggested off his own back to use a condom, met many who don’t want to use them though.

I would expect my ds to remain in education. How would leaving and getting a minimum wage job with no qualifications past gcse level benefit him or the child in the long run ? I’d also support the young mum in anyway I could - financially whilst ds was unable too , providing help with baby/ child to enable her to return to education later on if that is what she wanted to do etc. It’s one of those situations you hope you’re never faced with really.

There's a lot of chat about uni in here. DH and I were both 19 when we met at uni. Yes technically a number with a "teen" on it, but that's 2 adults, not a "teen pregnancy" in the usual sense.

Also, DH and I worked 16 hours a week each at uni and managed 2:1s from Durham so... it can be done. I only had 12 contact hours over 3 days a week!

Lots of good questions, Op. I have a son too, 18. He just started dating in January and he and she both decided not to have sex as they are young and not ready for any consequences. It is important to explain to our children what sex is, how it is the way we create new human beings and is a huge responsibility, not just for pleasure only, it’s more than that.

Contraceptives fail, or used incorrectly, emotions and hormones are high, lack of education. Many reasons for unintended pregnancy. Support and love must be shown to anyone who finds themselves in that situation.

If if we're my son, I obviously would be disappointed but would want us all to be fully involved in the baby's life. I'd offer financial and practical support so both he and the mother could finish education.

I think the issue is that the girl can make the decision about her own life, the boy cannot. Assuming they find out early on, and the male makes clear he doesn’t want a baby, the woman can decide to proceed or not and I believe that’s her decision to own. Of course it’s awful that the onus is on the female to go through the abortion (if that is chosen) which can be traumatising, but on the flip side she has complete control over a massive, life altering decision. The male has no control whatsoever over that which must feel horrifying.

I don’t think this is just the case with teenagers either, my personal belief is that if one individual decides to proceed with a pregnancy, when it’s very early on (and I do feel differently when it’s discovered later) then the other parent should have the same right to decide. I know that unpopular but I don’t see why a man should be forced not fatherhood when women aren’t forced into motherhood. Anyone saying don’t have sex unless you’re prepared to have a baby is wildly unreasonable in my book. Of course take all the precautions you can but sex is a wonderful, enjoyable and fulfilling thing to do and is part of a healthy relationship and reducing it to baby making or nothing is bonkers.

So I can completely understand why there are parents saying they would be ok with their son walking away, if precautions were taken but failed and the girl has decided against the boys wishes to proceed and gave a baby. I’m sure that makes me despicable to some posters on here but it’s how I feel.

I have always felt glad to be female, and knowing I will always have ultimate control over this decision and its consequences. The idea of having got someone pregnant accidentally and having no control over whether they had the baby is terrifying to me. I’d rather be the one who has to endure any abortion than the one with that lack of control over my own life. And no, never having sex unless I want a baby isn’t the answer.

I fell pregnant at 17, in 1974, father was never seen, or heard of again. No termination on NHS . My grandparents wanted to pay privately ( this will ruin her life) but my father said " if you do that I'll never speak to you again"went through social services, met the foster family, was a bad time. My dad punched me in the stomach when I was 6 mths gone, you're never bringing that bastard into the family.Once the boy my dad had always wanted, was born, they went over my head and adopted him. Had he been a she, or had black or Asian father they wouldn't have wanted to know. Things were so different back then a 17 yr old had no say.I would never put my daughter through this. They fell out with all the family over this.

As someone who was pregnant in horrid circumstances and then also made to continue, these threads on teen pregnancy are always utterly depressing.

You can still go to school or university and get a good job with a child, fucking hell. Doubly true for the boy involved who isn't even the one birthing and being the primary carer. Some people have some very odd stereotypes about what life is actually like.

Most teenage parents continue as normal or take a year out. There's no sacrificing your career necessary.

And it's screwed up to encourage your son to abandon his child. Anyone who thinks that's ok should be ashamed.

Saying boy makes him sound about 10, he's a young man and should take responsibility for his actions, if he isn't old enough to deal with the consequences he shouldn't be having sex, quite simple. It's your job to teach your sons that should he get someone pregnant the ball is not in his court (rightly so) and he could become a father whether he's on board or not. There's only 1 form of contraception that is 100%, abstinence!

@TheChoiceIsYours it's not about reducing sex to baby making. It's about understanding that even with contraception pregnancy is a risk, women/girls have bodily autonomy, and that both parents have legal responsibilities towards any resulting child.

Agree 💯.

I'm surprised at the number of posters who would support their son in abandoning their grandchild.

Besides anything else, even looking at it from a completely selfish perspective, don't you think that there would be a part of your and your sons' lives that was missing if you/they had a grandchild/child out there that you had zero involvement with?

I think the issue is that the girl can make the decision about her own life, the boy cannot.

The child is also a human being. Not everything is about spiting the girl involved. Assuming there wasn't coercion as is commonplace with teenagers.

Child support is also for the child, not a way for mothers to punish the child's father.

The boy should do what the girl wants.

A girl can decide not to go ahead. Morning after pill, abortion or adoption. Boy should have same rights to have no involvement. IMHO.

He does. He can walk away like many men do.

I am now beginning to understand why so many men are quite prepared to walk away from a baby they are 50% responsible for creating.. I find it quite horrifying that there seems to be a not insignificant proportion of mothers who would encourage their sons to do so.

Every time a couple have sex, there is always a possibility of pregnancy even when contraception is used. This needs to be drummed into teenagers. Actions have consequences and to say that if a girl refuses to have an abortion there should be no consequences for the boy is, in my view, immoral.