Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

??? The fuck? I don’t have a DS, but if I did, I’d make him take responsibility for his actions, so yeah, a terrifying hypothetical young man to be around your daughter 😂

A lot of the posts on here explain why so many young men think they can shag around and walk away from the children they create....
I have made it VERY clear to my teen sons that, should they be careless enough to create a child, they will be expected to take half the responsibility.
If that means full time work, then that's what it means.
You become a parent, you do what you have to to put food on the table.

Sorry, I don't think a baby is always a blessing.

I know of a teenager (F) who is just 16, out of school due to not coping as a result of undiagnosed autism. Recently diagnosed. She is cognitively able (ie no learning disability) but still, an young autistic female who socially and emotionally is younger than her biological age. Pregnant by her 17 year old boyfriend. Keeping the baby. Family supportive, wider families are jumping for bloody joy. 'Oh it'll be the making of her!'

It beggars belief. That poor girl, and the poor child. They've got no idea.

Grandparents will end up raising the baby whether they plan to or not!

Likewise for girls though surely?
Keep your knickers on.

We need to teach boys and girls that there is no such thing as so carried away you forget about contraception. They both need to use it.
Before they have sex they need to discuss possible consequences and they should only have sex with someone theyknow and trust well.
We need to teach them thst sex isn't just a recreational activity.⁷

Where did I say I wouldn’t encourage him to continue with his education? In the family scenario I mentioned they both did, they just had to do it differently to how they originally planned. How is me pointing out to my DS (and my DDs as I said..) that his choices may be changed or limited me being a boy mum protecting my prince?

No, I wouldn’t support my son abandoning responsibility to a baby made. Not at 17, not at 27 or any age. Actions have consequences and for girls that means facing the decision of termination, keeping a baby or adoption. For boys that means dealing with the outcome of ultimately the girls decision.?

why you seem to think I should be ashamed of the stance of expecting my son to have morals I have no idea.

But yet she’s the one that faces an abortion or raising a child.

Totally missing the fact all that happens for the boy is way hey a nice bit of sex then can walk away. For her either way if she ends up pregnant it’s much bigger than just possibly losing some wages to child maintenance.

I’m appalled at that attitude and as a mother of sons I couldn’t disagree more as said in my post above.
Are you really suggesting he spends his life paying for a child he’s never met, as expected by law, or would you be the first to encourage your 30yr old well established in a career son to seek out the much older child and have a relationship with him or her then? What if his future wife had fertility issues? Would you then encourage it? Why should he get away with it when it’s his responsibility?

People are far too squeamish when it comes to sex education and discussing sex with their children, especially teens.

I know several parents of my children’s friends who dodged it, left it all up to school, because it was embarrassing

Given the volume of porn that’s accessible it’s even more important than ever that parents have proper discussions about sex with their kids - schools can’t (nor should they be expected) teach it all.

Yeah there’s no hand wringing over the “fairness” of a girl having to be the one to either go through an abortion, a miscarriage or child birth. That “inequality” seems to be perfectly fine, it’s just when nature screws over boys slightly that it’s unfair.

You have got to be trolling.

A man cannot just walk away. Legally they have to pay maintenance for 18 years.

Quite frankly you are disgusting.

I've certainly had this discussion with my sons- at length. I have emphasised that the only time you should have unprotected sex is when you are trying for a baby.

Hmm, I'm not 100% sure about this one.

Part of me thinks that the father should always step up and support his child, but another part of me thinks that if he doesn't want to be a father, makes this clear from the start, and she decides to have the baby anyway then she can't be too surprised if he's not fully engaged.

It's obviously different for both sexes as it'll likely take a bigger toll on the mother, but on the other hand it's near impossible for a woman to become a parent against their will.

This is a no-brainer question really; of course the boy should take full responsibility for a child he doesn't want, because it's his child.

If that means his life's harder, money's tighter, choices are reduced etc, then so be it. Actions have consequences.

However. Without exception, of the teenagers who had babies when I was at school (at least half a dozen that I knew of, across different years), the respective boys were always rushed out of the picture by their parents.

Even when the boy wanted to be involved (which was certainly the case in one instance, because he was a close friend of mine) his parents stepped in and against his wishes whisked him away to a different school/college/university/distant aunt in Stranraer.

Some people give it the big chat about being responsible but when push comes to shove, if they see an out they take it. Or they make their son take it.

This is the sort of scenario why DH has such a poor relationship with his brother. He wasn't a teenager, but a student. He (BIL) hung around first couple of years then pretty much abandoned her. Fortunately the rest of the family didn't as DN is now 15 and a very valued member of the family

As with most people there are other preventative actions that can be taken. For example a discussion with your partner as to whether they are on birth control or how they as a couple could prevent an unplanned pregnancy. Discussing what ifs is also helpful so that they are prepared for the scenario and go into it with eyes wide open. Saying they have no choice and are a victim sounds a bit like shirking responsibility when actions can be taken to prevent it or be prepared. It’s not an unknown risk that’s come out of nowhere

@YetMoreNewBeginnings

You don’t really think you have total control though so you? So your son gets someone pregnant you demand he then goes to a local Uni (fair enough) and does what he has to do, but what if he didn’t want too? You keep banging on about morals but you don’t actually know how your son would react in this situation. Neither do I, hasn’t happened to me.

Some boys just can’t really connect to that baby when they’re emotionally immature themselves. That’s got nothing to do with morals. I guess they could provide financially whilst maintaining their emotional unavailability to that child. That’s not something you as a mother could force im afraid.

Most people I know have no problem in discussing sex with their teens, it’s not the 1970s.

I have two teenagers sons, one of whom is in a sexual relationships with a girl. I have been very clear with my son about

who has the responsibility for contraception ( 100% him)

at what stage in the process of making a baby that his choice end

that if he and his Gf make a baby we will expect him to step up and take on 50% of the parenting. That would involve him transferring his uni course to another in the same city as his GF and getting a part time job to support his child

that he would have to give up his sports and hobbies, as he would have little or no free time, if he is studying FT , working PT and parenting PT

that he and is GF would not be living with me although I would help them financially to find a flat of their own ( if that’s what they wanted )

that I would do some babysitting ( say one night a week ) but no regular childcare ( I work FT)

That all of the above still applies if his relationship with his Gf ends, even if he gets together with someone else. That he doesn’t get to be a deadbeat dad ( sadly he has a very poor role model ).

I’m not at all squeamish about sec education. My sons know very well that the right to have she comes with the responsibility towards your partner and towards any unplanned outcomes such as a pregnancy. They both know they would be expected to support the girl in whatever her choice is. I’ve drummed into them that it will not be their choice and they need to just accept her choice without ever resorting to coercion.

They know they’d need to earn money to support their child financially and support both the girl and their child in a practical sense. They know that means being there for her even if not together. They know that means arranging gifts from child for her birthdays and mother day cards etc. They know that means giving her a weekend off where baby comes here and they stay in all weekend to care for baby. They know all this. I’d be hugely disappointed in my parenting if either of them for one minute tried to behave in any other way.

I think the boy should stay in education if that was what he was otherwise going to do. He definitely shouldn’t go and move in with them as it’s not going to make anyone happy.

I would expect my son to start paying towards his child when he does start earning. I’d also hope that he would do things like offer to have the child when he’s free on weekends etc, develop a relationship with them and give the mother a break.

I will also be telling my son when he’s older not to take any risks and that if he has sex with a girl and she becomes pregnant then he has to live with the consequences!

• I’m not sure why sex has twice autocorrected to something else in my post. 😆

Abortion is not a form of birth control and having an abortion is not some sort of "get out of jail free" card for girls who don't want to be mothers. There will be many young mums who would rather not have had children when they did but felt unable to have an abortion. So imo it's unfair to say girls always have "control" over whether a baby is born... an abortion may not be an acceptable choice.

The child would be my grandchild. I would no more abandon my grandchild than I would my own child.

I would not want my DS to give up university/career plans but would support the baby financially as far as I could while he was studying or training, and would offer practical help including babysitting to the mother/maternal grandparents if that was welcome. Independently of what is right/wrong, I would want to build a relationship with my grandchild if given the chance.

@Naunet oops 🤦‍♀️ I got that wrong, It was OhSnakesandBastards not you.

Sorry.

Banging on? I’ve replied to your posts tagging me…

You jumped on my post about my discussion with my DS after a family situation.

I know what I’d expect of him. I know what he says he’d do based on his reactions to the scenario he’d seen. That’s all I can know because we didn’t face it… why you continually expect me to change what I say because you disagree is baffling.

And at no point did I say I’d force him. I’ve said what I’d expect of him. Obviously if he had decided to leave him, go to Uni in Sydney/become a beach bum in Bali, and never ever ever contact his child or support them in any way there would be nothing I could physically do about it…

Why you’ve continually focussed on my posts I have no idea.

Pregnancy is a natural consequence of unprotected sex OR failed contraception. We can legislate for lots of things but consequence free sex is not one of them. Boys need to know that they will have no say in what happens to an unplanned pregnancy and act accordingly. Giving them the impression that they are somehow a victim in a situation where a potential outcome is already known only encourages irresponsible behaviour.

If an unplanned pregnancy occurs then it does not matter what the father thinks if the mother decides to continue with the pregnancy, there will still be a baby at the end of it and we should not give young men the idea that walking away is fine because the young woman they got pregnant wouldn't terminate.

Pregnancy can only occur if you have sex. Consequence free sex is not a human right.

Ahhhh! 😂 no problem, I should have realised!