Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

Totally agree with this. Accidents happen and it's unfortunate, but I will be raising my son to understand that actions have consequences, and if you have sex you are accepting this possibility.

I don't see the value whatsoever in denying the reality that sex can lead to pregnancy.

No, I wouldn’t support my son abandoning responsibility to a baby made. Not at 17, not at 27 or any age. Actions have consequences and for girls that means facing the decision of termination, keeping a baby or adoption. For boys that means dealing with the outcome of ultimately the girls decision.?

@YetMoreNewBeginnings just FYI, if the girl decides to place the child for adoption then of course the boy has a choice. He can choose to keep the child himself or ask SS to assess any of his relatives who may wish to adopt the baby.

SS will always keep the child within the birth family if at all possible.

SS are not allowed to place the child for stranger adoption unless both parents have consented or a court has removed their rights / dispensed with the need for their consent.

As soon as the child is born the father can apply for parental rights and then he will have equal rights with the mum.

I don't understand when people bemoan how unfair it is that men can't make the choice to abort as a woman can... life isn't fair, I'm afraid. Women have to learn this early in life, I'm sure men can too.

Is it fair that women have to put their health and lives at risk in order to procreate? Nature doesn't care about fair.

Sorry for being unclear. I do realise that.

I was meaning the choices they each had to face on a pregnancy happening. Those are her three main choices and she’ll have to live with whichever she choose . He has to deal with whichever choice she makes and the impact that will have on him and his life choices whatever it is.

I’d be curious to know what peoples age cut off would be for the “I’d encourage my son to walk away”.

Adult men who walk away are often castigated on here so where is the line between it being completely acceptable to say “I don’t want to be a father” and walk away taking zero responsibility and where it isn’t?

Or would people also support a 27/37/47 year old son walking away as well?

I'd like to think my sons would tell me if they were in a relationship as a teen that resulted in a pregnancy and that they would be supportive of what the girl chose and if that meant changing their education plans so be it.

Ironically, I was in this situation at 19 and in my first year at uni - the father supported my decision to have a termination and we stayed together for a couple of years afterwards. I only found out recently that he never told his parents or anyone else at the time and subsequently the only person he's ever told is his ex wife. We both agree (many years later) that it was still absolutely the right decision at the time, hard though it was.

I think society as a whole needs to be a lot more open about terminations and not have them shrouded in the shame they are in many circles.

There are such double standards here, so say that the girl is on the pill and the boy uses a condom. Both being responsible. Both fail and the girl gets pregnant. The girl then has options,

A) if the condom rips/comes off she can go and get the morning after pill to be super safe
B) if she becomes pregnant she can easily and safety get an abortion.
C) she could go through with the pregnancy and have the baby adopted.

Meanwhile, the poor boy is just meant to go along with whatever she decides, and whatever she decides will have a huge (possibly ruin) his whole life. If the boy tells her he will be involved and then isn’t, then that is wrong and I would expect him to step up but if from the very beginning he tells her that he won’t be then it isn’t fair to expect him to live by someone else’s choices.

Unfortunately, in accidental or unplanned pregnancies the male is forced to accept ultimate responsibility for the females final decision regardless of age.

A male may want his child but he has no standpoint to insist that the girl or woman carry to term. The final choice is to be made by the woman.

There is little benefit in interrupting the educational pursuits of either party as both need to be in the best possible position to support their child. Both grandparents can assist, if they are able and willing while the young people continue to pursue education and training.

The best solution is to teach your teens the relationship between pleasure and responsibility and the risk calculus involved. Adults are often unprepared for the responsibility that comes with unplanned and unwanted pregnancy, so it is not surprising that teens are even more unprepared.

It always amazes me that teens will be unwilling to loan their vehicles to careless friends, but not at all unwilling to put their bodies in the hands of careless or unprepared friends.

A close friend of mine has a daughter who got pregnant and had her baby a couple of weeks after A level exams, the father was the same age and at school with her. They went to the same university where they managed to secure a flat on campus and access to the university nursery. They both got good degrees and she is now a head teacher. Along the way they split up but it was quite amicable, my friend had the father to stay all through COVID and buys stuff from his business that caters for one of her hobbies. It was really hard work for the parents at a time they could otherwise have been having a fun lifestyle but 30 odd years on things look good for the whole family.

Family member of mine has 6 DS. All older and independent now. One teenage pregnancy (oldest DS had a baby when he and his GF were both 17) but none of the others had kids until they were in their 30's.

My relative now has a 30yo grandchild and the rest are aged 12 and under (she was a young mum her herself)

FWIW relative has always maintained a close relationship with grandchild and her grandchilds mum.

It’s not a double standard - it’s just life.

Boys (and men) are, or should be, well aware of these facts before they have sex. If they have sex then they’re ultimately accepting the risk - no matter how mitigated - that a) it may happen and b) she gets the final say on continuing a pregnancy or not.

When I was a teen, my friend was badly pressured into an abortion by the boy's parents. It ruined her life I feel – she was incredibly traumatised by the process and it derailed her whole life from then on. We were all at a high-achieving school, both (all of us) were initially Oxbridge bound but only he continued on that path, while she then dropped out of a random degree and is sort of a failure today. At least if she'd had the baby, both their lives would have been ruined and not just hers at the expense of his (only half joking).

Acknowledging that contraception is not 100% effective, I wonder how many teenage boys refuse to use condoms because of the influence of porn.

Thats not a double standard, that’s nature, and women may get an extra layer of choice, but they also get 100% of the risks to their health and life, so I’d call that fair.

by this logic all men could say that they wanted their partner to terminate the pregnancy and keeping the baby was her choice and her responsibility. I am not sure why only the girls life should be upended by a mistake that took 2 to create.

@LlynTegid

Quite a few I should imagine. Going bare backs been the trend since forever, even before porn. I advise my sons and my daughter the importance of condoms for both pregnancy and STDs, which are on the rise. You can only hope they will take it all on board. I’ve heard a lot over my years teaching. I’ve gave assemblies on matters such as consent and porn. I’ve literally heard it all, I’ve even heard of one girl wanting to “baby trap” her boyfriend, hence a very important phone call made to said boys and girls parents.

He has a choice right before he takes his boxers off.

I know two teen dads. One went ahead with his uni plans- a couple of hours from home but going back for weekends. The girlfriend stayed at home with the baby. They are still together.

The other stayed at home and did his first year remotely. Then they moved together to a cheap part of the country and got a student house, paid for with loans. Both finished their degree and they are still together.

It isn’t always a disaster, although I’m bloody glad I didn’t breed with any of the men I dated in my teens!

"Poor boy", it's no wonder so many men are shit partners, they get a free pass to engage in adult behaviour whilst only shouldering a child's responsibilities.

The "poor boy" is not being victimised, it's nature. You cannot develop this conversation further without calling a woman's right to chose into question.

Sex is how babies are made, no contraception is 100% effective, if you can't deal with having no say in what happens to an unplanned pregnancy then don't have sex.

I don't know if B) is true. My friend, who was happy and healthy before, started self harming after her abortion to cope with the impact. She flunked out of uni too.

She's one person but both sides (pro and anti abortion – note that I'm obviously for the choice if it's freely made) agree on a very strong statistical link between undergoing an abortion and elevated rates of mental illness, unexplained underachievement, etc afterwards. Meanwhile the boy's distress is all theoretical, nobody is scraping anything from his uterus.

Given the rise in STDs I’d say a lot. When you consider the rise in anal sex related injuries in teens which is clearly to do with porn it’s having a massive impact.

I do wonder those who would support their late teen nearly adult sons abandoning a child would feel if it turned out their own husbands had a secret child they knew about and their parents did and yet he walked away no fucks given to never mention the child again.

Exactly this!

The sole purpose of sex is to make babies and no contraception is 100% protective. So if they end up becoming a father they should take responsibility.

I think you've massively missed the point I was making 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ your reply tells me all I need to know about you though. You won't get it and I can be bothered to explain.

I think it would hold both the boy/girl back. They equally chose to engage with each other in the first place. Huge responsibility at that age. If it was me at that age I don’t think I could have carried on with the pregnancy but if there are supportive grandparents that would help. Financially and emotionally.