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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boys and teen pregnancies

448 replies

KittyAlfred · 06/04/2023 14:04

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

OP posts:
LemonSwan · 07/04/2023 23:54

Felixss · 07/04/2023 23:51

I've had a termination it's not a simple procedure I found it traumatic although it was for the best. People throw around abortion like it's nothing it's not for a lot of women.

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Sorry to hear this Felixss 💐

snitzelvoncrumb · 08/04/2023 00:07

I think it depends on the situation. If Is it an older teen and is the girl a girlfriend I would let them sort out what they want and support their decision. A younger teen with a girl turning up at the door I guess depending on her family support I would offer support where appropriate. I would make sure she understands it’s her body and her choice. It really depends on the situation. If the family were a nightmare and going to make life hell I would probably not be inclined to force my son to be involved, but otherwise I would encourage him to be involved in the child’s life and support the child. I agree with people saying they wouldn’t let the boy stop studying. I wouldn’t encourage my son to give up his future. I would expect the girl and her family assuming they want the child, to understand while they have our financial and physical support the son won’t be playing happily families. He is still going to live a normal ish life. If she chooses to have the child it’s going to be as a single mother.

IsolatedWilderness · 08/04/2023 00:59

I have raised my children knowing that sex can = baby, no matter how careful they might be. I have told them that, if they choose to have sex, they need to be prepared for that possible outcome so, if they really can't handle the idea, don't take the risk.

I have taught my sons that they have equal responsibility for any child and what supporting the mother and child should mean. I have also taught my daughters what having a baby means for them and that ultimately, they are the one that are left holding the baby in the end if the father is unhelpful. I have taught my sons they have no say in what happens with a pregnancy. I would hope they wouldn't chose abortion but, if they did, I'd support them through it.

Both parents need to be encouraged to continue their education for their sake and the sake of the child. I would offer whatever help to the mother and father (no matter which one my child was) to help them do it.

IsolatedWilderness · 08/04/2023 01:05

Newname221 · 07/04/2023 21:48

Grandparent relationships are so important! I cannot imagine denying my parents the chance to be in my children’s lives. And I can’t imagine how hurt I’d be if my own son had a child who he chose not to be involved with.

However, on the other hand; if my daughter got pregnant with a deadbeat I would by no means be encouraging the fathers parents to get involved; since clearly they are incapable of raising a decent human being.

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I'm generally against grandparent rights but this is one example of why they need to exist. Sometimes children make bad decisions that their own parents disapprove of. You shouldn't exclude parental grandparents because of this. In most cases, the best interests of the child are that they know extended family on both sides.

emptythelitterbox · 08/04/2023 03:04

LemonSwan · 07/04/2023 23:26

It’s probably an unpopular opinion but I believe having a child is a life long partnership and the conception is about 0.00001% of it.

If you have a child with someone who didn’t agree to have a child then that’s on you. Fair enough if the poor girl didn’t realise until late in the pregnancy. That is beyond fucked and utterly awful for all involved.

But if they do know early enough and that the child was not agreed to or wanted then it’s on them their decision. This is 2023 after all. We do have a trillion forms of contraception and termination options. We have control, and we need to take responsibility for our decisions.

And sure some will say well what about the decision of the man/boy in having sex that night. But that’s a spur of the moment decision. Women and girls have months to think about whether they wish to terminate or not. Months and years pre sex/ pregnancy to be on the pill or long term contraception. It’s women who hold all the non spur of the moment decision cards.

Our bodies, our choice, but we have to own that.

I guess you've never been a 16 year old girl being pressured by a horny teen boy.

WandaWonder · 08/04/2023 03:07

emptythelitterbox · 08/04/2023 03:04

I guess you've never been a 16 year old girl being pressured by a horny teen boy.

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Are females ever responsible for their own actions or are males to blame for everything?

emptythelitterbox · 08/04/2023 03:49

WandaWonder · 08/04/2023 03:07

Are females ever responsible for their own actions or are males to blame for everything?

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Plenty of people are intimidated by strong agressive males.

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 08:00

@WandaWonder

Females are never responsible for anything on Mumsnet. In the real world plenty of female, young ones included take control and responsibility for their lives. I was having sex at 15. I wasn’t cooeced I was just as horny as the boy. We both practiced safe sex. I was on the pill and he used a condom. No aggression involved but plenty of fun.

weinerdog · 08/04/2023 08:07

Are females ever responsible for their own actions or are males to blame for everything?

This is a really bad take, do you not believe in sexual assault, which includes by coercion? It's very common with teenagers. This is actually really upsetting. Even if a girl is pressured (a crime), it's still her fault. Unbelievable.

DisquietintheRanks · 08/04/2023 08:21

At the end of the day, no one, male or female, can be forced to parent a child. That's why we have abortion, adoption and why the law orders absent parents to financially support but not see their children.

Anyone, male or female, who can't accept this should definitely abstain from sex.

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 09:01

@weinerdog

But you’re putting words into peoples mouths and generalising that most girls are coerced. I don’t doubt for a second that a lot are, but no,
not all will be. I managed to have lots of fun at that and safely/responsibly. Thank god though that we as females do get to have options and take control if necessary.

weinerdog · 08/04/2023 09:04

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 09:01

@weinerdog

But you’re putting words into peoples mouths and generalising that most girls are coerced. I don’t doubt for a second that a lot are, but no,
not all will be. I managed to have lots of fun at that and safely/responsibly. Thank god though that we as females do get to have options and take control if necessary.

No, Easter, you don't have to agree with that poster just because you agree with their other views.

They quite plainly said that the girl bears some responsibility. 'Are females ever responsible for their own actions?' when somebody else mentioned being pressured.

If I were you, I wouldn't be associated with that sort of opinion. Or maybe you share it? I don't know why you'd go out of your way to defend that.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 08/04/2023 09:05

BonAppTheTeet · 07/04/2023 23:16

It happens, certainly, but I doubt it's most. Most of the boys will be similar age.

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There are a significant amount of teen mums as there are teen fathers. 4 out of 5 teen pregnancies are by adult men.

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 09:08

@weinerdog

I don’t need to defend anything when I think males and female are both responsible. Ultimately though the female does get the final say/control on whether or not the pregnancy progresses, and rightly so. But, the Mumsnet hard stance of “females can never take responsibility and it’s never their fault”? No I don’t really agree with that, which is why I educate all my kids male and female to take control of their lives. They’re also very much their own people. I advise them of course but ultimately they’ll make their own decisions in life and I may not always be happy about that. Presuming as a mother you have total control on how your son fathers between the ages of 14-18 is naive.

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 09:09

@WeeWillyWinkie9

Which is why I stated further up the thread that I would be wanting a DNA test in this scenario. Particularly when most under age girls are impregnated by men, and not of boys their own age.

weinerdog · 08/04/2023 09:13

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 09:08

@weinerdog

I don’t need to defend anything when I think males and female are both responsible. Ultimately though the female does get the final say/control on whether or not the pregnancy progresses, and rightly so. But, the Mumsnet hard stance of “females can never take responsibility and it’s never their fault”? No I don’t really agree with that, which is why I educate all my kids male and female to take control of their lives. They’re also very much their own people. I advise them of course but ultimately they’ll make their own decisions in life and I may not always be happy about that. Presuming as a mother you have total control on how your son fathers between the ages of 14-18 is naive.

I was specifically commenting on girls being pressured, as somebody else mentioned, and then somebody else replied 'aren't girls ever responsible?' Ie. Can't they just say no, it's not the boys fault of you feel pressured and allow it to happen.

So if a female is pressured into sex as pp said, it's still her fault. If she chooses to keep such a pregnancy, it's her fault again.

How the flip can both be responsible if one is pressured? I think you're beyond reason if you're doubling down on this. You seem to have very negative views of young girls, so I think I'm out now.

catless · 08/04/2023 09:21

Is this Emmerdale?

DisquietintheRanks · 08/04/2023 09:53

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 08/04/2023 09:05

There are a significant amount of teen mums as there are teen fathers. 4 out of 5 teen pregnancies are by adult men.

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As most teen pregnancies are in 17, 18 and 19 year old girls/women that's less disturbing than you may think.

5128gap · 08/04/2023 09:54

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 09:09

@WeeWillyWinkie9

Which is why I stated further up the thread that I would be wanting a DNA test in this scenario. Particularly when most under age girls are impregnated by men, and not of boys their own age.

If your teen son told you his GF was pregnant, your motivation for wanting a DNA test would not be because you feared his GF had been abused by an older man. For a start off, as you've made clear, your concern is not for her, only him. You would merely be clutching at straws to get your son off the hook. Since the PP mentioned the prevelence of grooming situations, you have just latched on to it as an acceptable way to question a young woman's integrity.
Its a rather risky road to travel in my opinion. There's a possibility that your son, despite your values, may actually care for the girl, and may not take too kindly to your insinuations.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 08/04/2023 10:02

DisquietintheRanks · 08/04/2023 09:53

As most teen pregnancies are in 17, 18 and 19 year old girls/women that's less disturbing than you may think.

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So an adult getting a 17 year old child pregnant is not disturbing? Really? That is called having sex with a minor. That is disturbing.

Under 18s conception rate has gone up 35%, while under 20s conception rate has reduced.

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 10:06

@5128gap

Ive already said my priority would be HIM. Not getting a DNA test is absolutely ridiculous for all sorts of reasons when you’re dealing with minors, safeguarding being ONE of them. I work in a safeguarding capacity and my INSTANT thought would be, I need to make sure he is the father first and foremost. I’ve seen it all and some, so yeah, nice try.

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 10:09

@weinerdog

I haven’t got negative views of young women. I’ve already said the final say SHOULD rest with them. I think we are getting onto dodgy terrain whereby we are now discussing consent. Therefore the original scenario is now expanding, in which case it all becomes quite chaotic to discuss.

I do not have negative views of women. I teach my young daughter all about the world thank you very much. Just like my own mother did with me. Again, nice try.

NIparty · 08/04/2023 10:17

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 10:06

@5128gap

Ive already said my priority would be HIM. Not getting a DNA test is absolutely ridiculous for all sorts of reasons when you’re dealing with minors, safeguarding being ONE of them. I work in a safeguarding capacity and my INSTANT thought would be, I need to make sure he is the father first and foremost. I’ve seen it all and some, so yeah, nice try.

I sincerely hope that's bullshit and you don't work in a safeguarding capacity. Your posts have been vile.

weinerdog · 08/04/2023 10:17

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 10:09

@weinerdog

I haven’t got negative views of young women. I’ve already said the final say SHOULD rest with them. I think we are getting onto dodgy terrain whereby we are now discussing consent. Therefore the original scenario is now expanding, in which case it all becomes quite chaotic to discuss.

I do not have negative views of women. I teach my young daughter all about the world thank you very much. Just like my own mother did with me. Again, nice try.

You took issue with me calling out a poster for claiming girls should take responsibility [in circumstances where they are pressured] and not their post - crazy.

You clearly have negative views of young girls. Smugly saying 'nice try' doesn't change that fact. I can't be bothered to recount all the posts but anyone who's been lurking knows.

Amazingly, you've 'seen it all' and believe that young girls regularly trick young men into fathering children that aren't theirs. But have never heard of young girls being pressured into sex. Or is they are, they should bear some responsibility

All of your posts scream the exact opposite of what you're saying.

DisquietintheRanks · 08/04/2023 10:17

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 08/04/2023 10:02

So an adult getting a 17 year old child pregnant is not disturbing? Really? That is called having sex with a minor. That is disturbing.

Under 18s conception rate has gone up 35%, while under 20s conception rate has reduced.

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A 17 year old with a boyfriend of 18 or 19? No I don't find that disturbing at all.