Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

Yeah I did, but not in reply to you!

I’m really surprised to see parents saying they would support their son abandoning a child.

I think you mentioned it before anyone else!

100% responsibility, same as the pregnant girl. If the mother could still live with her parents then continue education and if possible save for future living costs if they move in together. Alternatively save for future costs of having a child.

If she’s kicked out by her parents then he should support her in any way possible.

“Finishing education” might not mean university, especially if he has a child. Uni might have to be part time. Or he may have to get a job and work until the child is old enough to benefit from free childcare.

I worked full time during uni holidays and worked all weekend and one day per week while at uni. I did a demanding degree too. I earned enough to support myself; I could have also supported a child.

I have some experience in this area both professionally and personally. In my experience the best outcomes come from the mother of the baby staying at her home and staying in education ( obviously not always possible but I’m talking about best case scenario). The baby is generally absorbed into the family and independent living comes along a bit later.

The Dads sometimes immediately disappear, sometimes hand around for a while and very, very occasionally maintain a relationship with the mother. The amount of contact is generally about how mature they can both be if the relationship has broken down.

Financial contributions are usually patchy but can be claimed of course if he’s working.

Its never easy but can be negotiated well and in the case of my DN he and his parents have a very close and loving bond with his DS despite never having actually even been in a relationship with his mother. He has always paid too.

I’m allowed to ask questions to other people on this thread to clarify what they meant - if you only want specific replies, please do let me know though and I’ll be sure to correct my thinking 🙄

If he really doesn't want a baby he shouldn't be having sex. Yes, whether he wants to be a father or not is irrelevant, if he becomes a father he has a responsibility to do everything he can to provide for the child produced. He made the decision when he had sex, regardless of whether protection was used. What is wrong with people that this is even a question 🤷

Meddling? How was having conversations with my teenage son about the different scenarios he’d be facing if he got a girl pregnant meddling? It’s parenting. Basic parenting at that.

Thankfully he’s a decent human being so he was already horrified a few family members suggesting the relative go to a Uni hundreds of miles away specifically to get away.

Too many people seem to think men and boys are entitled to consequence free sex.

Same. Lots of mothers of boys with Little Emperor syndrome going on here. And then women come here moaning on Mumsnet because their husband is a deadbeat. It’s almost funny, if not sad.

@Naunet you obviously have experience of this that is affecting your viewpoint, but at no point has anyone talked about unprotected sex.

Why not though? Are you assuming that the majority of teenage pregnancies are caused by contraception failure rather than a failure to actually use contraception?

@YetMoreNewBeginnings

It is basic parenting but this scenario was given even if the son had had safe sex. It’s also basic parenting to put your own child first and support them in what they want to do.

It’s also quite normal to want to raise a child who isn’t devoid of morals but here we are.

I’m not.

Men who abandon their children are routinely supported by their families. Even more would be supported in that if they were young.

Its still basically socially acceptable for a male to walk away

Keeping your cock in your pants I guarantee is a sure fire way of males exercising their rights to a choice on whether their child is born or not 🤷

Honestly, if it was my DS I'd encourage him to walk away & never look back. Harsh but I wouldn't want his future impacted by a decision he didn't agree with.

If it was my DD I encourage an abortion for the same reason. However if she chose to keep it I would fully support & wouldn't expect anything from the father (& it would probably be easier without his involvement too).

When this discussion has come up with friends with DC similar ages (of both sexes) all agreed they'd do the same.

It’s basic parenting to teach your child that actions have consequences. Having sex means you may make a baby. You know that when you take the risk to do it.

Bailing out on your baby just because it’s easier or what you want to do isn’t something you can automatically expect support with.

I don't think a teenage boy should have to be involved unless he wants to be so it would be up to the girl what she does. Why is it such double standards for male and female. Boys shouldnt have sex. But girls can. No sorry don't agree with that.

Well it’s not really free to have sex for her is it. She gets to terminate or raise a baby. He gets to parent or walk away from the baby supported by poor parents.

Revolting

@YetMoreNewBeginnings

But that girl does have choices that the boy does not. Like I said, I would support my son on what he wanted to do first and foremost. But, yes, I would absolutely be encouraging him to carry on with his education. The thing is this is mumsnet so this thread can only really go one way. Zero naunce and just a load of boy mums coming on to protect their princes. I’m raising teen girls too who wouldn’t be too keen on pushing a pram at 16. Like I said, there are options.

Why is it such double standards for male and female. Boys shouldnt have sex. But girls can.

I don’t know anyone that doesn’t drum it into their girls even more than their boys, given how likely it is the girl will be left with the majority, if not all, of the responsibilities.

Naunet I hope my DDs never meet your DS. Or any other girls/women either.

I would expect my son (assuming he was a 6th former) to change and attend the local university and get a p/t job handing over most of his earnings to the mother.
I would not allow him to be off having a typical university life whilst some poor girl is stuck at home caring for his child.

He certainly wouldn’t be allowed to do virtually nothing during those early difficult years then think he can swan in and have a relationship with that child when everyone is older. Nope. If he’s old enough to have sex then he’s old enough to deal with the consequences. Both my boys have had this drummed into then.