Boys and teen pregnancies

[KittyAlfred]

DS is 17 and one of his contemporaries from primary school is about to have a baby. She and her boyfriend are happy about it (according to Instagram - I have no direct contact with them), but it got me thinking about how I would feel if DS got a girl pregnant.

I had a termination as a teenager, which my Mum supported me with, as did my boyfriend at the time.

Parents of daughters would have some influence, would be able to talk through the pros and cons of pregnancy and termination, the practicalities, the realities of it etc, so that the pregnant girl could make an informed decision. The boys (and their parents) would just have to wait and see what decision was made.

I think most people would agree that the pregnant girl gets to decide what she does with her body, but what should the boy do? Assuming they used condoms, and the pregnancy was an accident, how much responsibility should the boy take for a child he didn’t want? Should he quit education and get a job to pay some child support? Should he take a father role, share accommodation and childcare? Should he just walk off into the sunset saying that he didn’t want a child in the first place and she should have aborted? Should his parents take over, pay child maintenance and help out, while allowing him to carry on university or whatever?

Hopefully I’ll never be faced with this situation, but as a mother of boys I do think about it sometimes. DS is sensible and knows about contraception, but condoms are all that’s available to him, and we all know they’re not 100% effective. It’s not even a conversation teens can have before they have sex, because no one knows how they’ll feel till it actually happens.

Why are you saying boys have no choice? Men do this too, but the truth is they walk away and opt out of being a father all the time, it’s not illegal, it’s fucking disgusting, but let’s not pretend it’s not an option for men and boys.

So just the babies mother would have to do this? Attitudes like this are a good reason for the boys parents being given no rights!

Part time job to help pay for the child he part created and actually look after it too. If that meant giving up a hobby or something boohoo should have thought about that before making a baby. That’s if he was actually still in school, some 17 year old are on apprenticeships so already earning a bit or they could be just about to be 18 and have a job lined up.

Either way to step the hell up. I’d be royally disappointed if I’d raised my son to be a run away shit dad.

To be frank I'd be hoping the girls family were sensible enough to encourage her to have an abortion.

Well, he should support the girl. Financially and with looking after the baby.

I wouldn't encourage or allow my son to drop out of education to do that though, and would support him/ them in the meantime - financially and otherwise. But I would be hoping the girl had an abortion, for sure.

If the boy wanted her to have a termination and she wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy then I’m not sure I would force my son to be involved (I have a daughter too so I can see it from both sides) I think boys are in a very unfair (although unavoidable) situation where they don’t have a choice in what happens.

Likewise, if my daughter was pregnant and the father made it clear he didn’t want involved I wouldn’t try and force it if she decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Probably an unpopular opinion but that’s how I would feel.

@HelpsHeal

I would accept that a lot of it would be out of my control. All I could do was advise my son on how best to proceed with his life and education.

@Naunet I mean the boy has no choice about whether the baby is terminated or born. Obviously they have a legal choice about being involved or not, but they have no choice about whether or not the baby is born in the first place.

So men and boys should get to have unprotected sex, and then demand an abortion or walk away with no responsibility? Men get to have consequence free unprotected sex? How is that fair?

@nurseynursery

I wouldn’t really expect as many rights anyway as the paternal grandmother. Women might save themselves a lot of heart ache if they took this on board with a healthy dose of acceptance. Like I said if this did happen despite me informing my son of safe sex I would still encourage him to focus on his education first and foremost.

If it were me, I would certainly encourage Ds to complete whatever education he wanted to, while also offering the girl with baby any support I could offer, to enable her too to proceed with education if/when she wanted to go back to do that. I would also encourage my son to create and maintain a strong relationship with the baby. In terms of financial support, I would hope that the parents of the girl explain to her how benefits and child support work, and go through the turn2us calculator with her, and that she should consider the reality of supporting a baby when one or both parents are in full time education.

But if they can simply walk away, what difference does it make to them? Especially for a boy who wouldn’t have to pay child support if he’s in education.

You know what they say. Behind every shit dad is shitty grandparents who think it’s ok 😏

@Naunet you obviously have experience of this that is affecting your viewpoint, but at no point has anyone talked about unprotected sex. The only protection available to teenage boys is condoms, which are not always effective . Of course they could all abstain, and then girls who wanted sex would have to have it with older men who’d had vasectomies!

@Naunet

The girl has options that the boy does not. If a baby was conceived even after safe sex then yes I would hope my son would focus entirely on his education. It would be his decision if he wanted to be involved of course and if he wanted that we would support that and hopefully be involved too. If he wanted to walk away at this point, then I would support that too. I would basically support what he wanted to do.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t be angry at him for the whole situation if it was unprotected but why should a boy be forced into being a father? How is that fair? The girl will always have the option of a termination, the girl always has a choice, the boy doesn’t.

i know plenty of men do walk away, but I think only certain people can pretend that their child doesn’t exist. It would always be in their mind.

We discussed this a lot with DS1 (and our girls) as a young male relative found himself in this position when DS was about 13.

The initial plan was for an abortion, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

In the end they both changed Uni plans to local ones, grandparents do a lot of childcare and they both work part time jobs to fund things. They adore the child, but they are both very open with other youngsters in the family that it’s really tough. Both were expected to go to good/prestigious unis.

I would have expected DS to do similar. Change plans, still study, but pitch in. Walking away and pretending something hasn’t happened because it’s not convenient isn’t an option in this family.

some young moms attend uni, which often have day care and dorms for mums. So just not him continuing education but her as well. Yes it might involve pt study or distance learning.
lots of men go through phases that the government sees as reasons to not pay cms, education and unemployment etc. so unfortunately it is acceptable.
extended family could chip in or offer in kind support (child care).
in my experience those who have children at 16-17 need a lot of support, family friends government.

Did you mean to reply to me?! Because no, I’ve not been through this, so I’m not sure why you think that’s obvious and I didn’t say anything to you about unprotected sex or abstaining…

Quitting education doesn’t make sense for either teen parent. Long term, both need to be able to support the child.

what may need to happen is that they adjust their plans. Perhaps they live at home instead of in student housing. It might mean attending a different university. For both of them, more consideration might need to be given to the immediate earning power of the degree balanced with its long term earning power. The boy needs to work a part-time job instead of having recreation time. He certainly can’t afford to go to the pub with friends anyway.

basically, childhood is over for the young parents and they have to spend every waking minute taking care of the baby and simultaneously trying to build a future for themselves. It’s not a life I would recommend for my daughter. It’s certainly not a life I would wish upon anyone’s son. If it does happen, the only moral choice though is to dive in and do everything possible to take care of your child.

So? That’s just what can happen when you have sex, it’s nature. The fact he gets to walk away means he has a choice, so let’s not pretend he doesn’t.

@naunet you mentioned unprotected sex, when my OP and all previous discussion related to sex with the use of contraception

@YetMoreNewBeginnings

What if your son didn’t really appreciate your meddling? You do realise he may resent you for that even though you think it’s the right thing for you.

Because he had unprotected sex and that’s what happens!!

If he used protection, that’s a little different, but if it was unprotected, no one forced him into being a father, unless you want to try and sue God or Mother Nature?!