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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To insist people bring their own food to a family picnic?

239 replies

moosmum21 · 06/04/2023 11:53

The extended family wants a picnic tomorrow, although half of the guest list is tentative. No one is willing to help buy or prepare anything for the picnic, so my MIL suggested that I prepare it, and we all split the bill equally.

Conscious that everyone is time and cash poor and not wanting to waste lots of food if half don’t show up, I suggested that we all prepare packed lunches for ourselves, which was met with a complaint: "That’s not a picnic; that’s a meal deal in a park”.
I know that if I were to prepare a picnic and split the cost of the ingredients equally amongst all the attendees as suggested, there would be bill shock and squabbling.
I could prepare the picnic and sink the cost, wholly or by charging a modest contribution fee. I enjoy cooking (no one else in the family does!), and we are moderately well off compared to the rest of the family – it’s not a huge imposition. But I don’t want to set up the expectation that I’ll just cater and pay for every barbecue, picnic, holiday, and party. I’m also still apparently holding a grudge over the Christmas cake incident (a family member stopped by when I was making a Christmas cake for my family, told me that she hoped I was making her one, and then insisted I’d have to make cakes for other family members, so they didn’t feel left out. She neglected to mention that no one in the family likes Christmas cake, so most of it was wasted!) AIBU to stick firm with the suggestion that we bring our own food? Or should I let go of the grudge, prepare a lovely picnic, and sink the cost so we can all have a peaceful day out?

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 06/04/2023 11:55

Sod that. It's totally normal for people - family or not - to bring their own food to a picnic. Or for everyone to bring one large sharing dish.

Just be sure to make it totally clear that this is what is happening so nobody can say "but I thought moosmum was making all the food".

TheFlis12345 · 06/04/2023 11:56

I would get everyone to agree a budget per head they are happy to pay in advance, and do it on the agreement that it is someone else’s turn next time, and stick to that.

mbosnz · 06/04/2023 11:56

Hold the hell firm! They sound like a right bunch of cheeky fuckers, feeling entitled to impose on you both financially and with regards to your time. (I'd be holding a grudge about the Christmas Cake Incident until the cows come home. . .)

AluckyEllie · 06/04/2023 11:57

I think stick to your guns or yes, you will be seen as caterer for every family function in the future! Maybe bring one thing for everyone to have some of- like dessert or cakes or something. Just message ‘I’m not going to be able to prepare everything but happy to whip up dessert. ‘

MaggieFS · 06/04/2023 11:57

I'd hold firm, but a concession could be letting everyone know you will only cater for firm yes replies who've agree to share costs.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 06/04/2023 11:58

Sounds like you need to start standing up to your family. 'No sorry i don't have the time to make lots of different cakes/more cakes', 'No sorry i can't commit to preparing food for everyone, lets all bring along a plate each to share' or if you are happy enough make it clear it's someone else's turn.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 06/04/2023 11:59

I'd tell MIL that is she wants someone to sort it all out then she can feel free to take that on herself and you'll be happy to pay your share. No way would I be buying all the food to split when people weren't even committing to whether they'd come or not! In that situation it makes much more sense to all bring your own food

ColadhSamh · 06/04/2023 11:59

If you are prepared to do the food then monetary contributions in advance. No money, no food.

Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2023 12:00

That’s exactly how a picnic works. YADNBU.

shivawn · 06/04/2023 12:00

This sounds exhausting. Can you just order dominos or something?

Crikeyalmightey · 06/04/2023 12:01

Who's idea was the picnic? Has someone else come up with it and volunteered you as the caterer?

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 06/04/2023 12:01

Surely they are capable of making some sandwiches? I'd just bring my own food.

Wingedharpy · 06/04/2023 12:02

Go to the pub instead - on your own.

ClaraBourne · 06/04/2023 12:02

Send out a list of things and ask people to bring them -bread, chess, salad, cold meat, paper plates etc.

Then you aren't saddled with buying and transporting.

KirstenBlest · 06/04/2023 12:02

A friend loves picnics and the usual arrangement is that everybody brings something to share.

aSofaNearYou · 06/04/2023 12:02

Your MIL sounds really cheeky and pushy. I would just say no thanks, you don't have time (or inclination if you're feeling confrontational) to make food for everyone. Happy to bring a dish if everyone else does, otherwise you'll just bring food for you.

Wiltingredrose · 06/04/2023 12:03

Don’t over complicate things. Tell people to bring their own food plus something to share. If you prepare all the food you will end up resenting it. Don’t let them put it all on you!

KezzaMucklowe · 06/04/2023 12:04

Oh gosh my in laws were a bit like this. Although not cheeky enough to demand one person does all the work.
They insisted on certain people bringing certain foods, this never worked out as we were all stuck with sandwiches one person wanted and most of us didn't like,
a squashed packet of sausage rolls and a bumper pack of wotsits.
There was always someone who didn't turn up, someone who forgot they were contributing and lots of disappointed people who wish they'd brought their own food.
A meal deal in the park is the way forward.

Crikeyalmightey · 06/04/2023 12:05

What sofaNearYou said, but let MIL do the telling. Don't be her fall guy.

Fridayfreddie · 06/04/2023 12:07

We also have an extended family picnic tomorrow. Everyone will bring dishes to share, either homemade or shop-bought, it doesn’t matter and making or buying one or two things is hardly an imposition. We also share drinks.

Xiaoxiong · 06/04/2023 12:09

@ColadhSamh has it - this also solves the problem of the tentative guest list.

What's MIL proposing about half the guest list being tentative?

We had a strange situation years ago where we went to a park picnic birthday party so I packed a pretty nice picnic for our family plus brought some grapes and strawberries to contribute. I had checked in advance, just bring your own food and picnic rug I was told. When we got there we were the only family to have brought any food or drinks at all, including the birthday family who had brought cake and nothing else! We ended up sharing our picnic for 4 around about 10 extra kids and adults. Very weird experience.

CatOnTheChair · 06/04/2023 12:10

Can not family 1 bring sandwiches and fruit.
Family 2 quiche and crisps
Family 3 pasta salad and cake

So everyone brings a main and a pudding, but if one family doesn't show up, there is still a decent balance?

CC4712 · 06/04/2023 12:10

Is it so MIL doesn't need to cook? Have you spoken to the rest of the family? They might prefer to bring their own food 'Sarah only eats plain cheese sandwiches', 'Billy won't drink that squash' etc etc

NO way would I be making for all- then trying to get the money back. Neither should you be paying for all- regardless of your financial situation. I love cooking, but no doubt someone in the group would have preferred something different to eat, plus some people wouldn't pay/keep forgetting etc. That would then leave you chasing for money- which I personally find embarrassing.

Each family just bring their own- and if you like, bring an additional dish each that everyone can share. End of.

MintJulia · 06/04/2023 12:11

You could tell your MIL to do it herself !

But seriously, ask each family to bring something to share. It makes it more interesting too, mixing up other people's food ideas. Just say there are e.g.12 mouths to feed ask each to choose to bring a savoury for twelve, a salad for twelve, a dessert for twelve etc.

Plus car rugs and a football/frisbee etc

Xiaoxiong · 06/04/2023 12:12

@Fridayfreddie yes I agree but everyone has to be willing to do that to make it work. Or you will be in my situation sharing one family's contribution among the 5,000. Or OP's situation expected to cater for everyone on her own!

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