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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To insist people bring their own food to a family picnic?

239 replies

moosmum21 · 06/04/2023 11:53

The extended family wants a picnic tomorrow, although half of the guest list is tentative. No one is willing to help buy or prepare anything for the picnic, so my MIL suggested that I prepare it, and we all split the bill equally.

Conscious that everyone is time and cash poor and not wanting to waste lots of food if half don’t show up, I suggested that we all prepare packed lunches for ourselves, which was met with a complaint: "That’s not a picnic; that’s a meal deal in a park”.
I know that if I were to prepare a picnic and split the cost of the ingredients equally amongst all the attendees as suggested, there would be bill shock and squabbling.
I could prepare the picnic and sink the cost, wholly or by charging a modest contribution fee. I enjoy cooking (no one else in the family does!), and we are moderately well off compared to the rest of the family – it’s not a huge imposition. But I don’t want to set up the expectation that I’ll just cater and pay for every barbecue, picnic, holiday, and party. I’m also still apparently holding a grudge over the Christmas cake incident (a family member stopped by when I was making a Christmas cake for my family, told me that she hoped I was making her one, and then insisted I’d have to make cakes for other family members, so they didn’t feel left out. She neglected to mention that no one in the family likes Christmas cake, so most of it was wasted!) AIBU to stick firm with the suggestion that we bring our own food? Or should I let go of the grudge, prepare a lovely picnic, and sink the cost so we can all have a peaceful day out?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 06/04/2023 12:12

I’d ask everyone to bring something - cold meat, hummous, bread, cheese, pastries, strawberries etc etc

trust that not everyone will bring the same but you could assign people items if you wanted

RosesInWater · 06/04/2023 12:13

Go to mcDonalds and everyone pays for their own. Sit on a bench in the park after and talk about how lovely the meal was.

moosmum21 · 06/04/2023 12:13

Crikeyalmightey · 06/04/2023 12:01

Who's idea was the picnic? Has someone else come up with it and volunteered you as the caterer?

SIL(1)'s idea, MIL volunteered me as the caterer. MIL would rather go for a walk in the park and then have a meal somewhere afterwards, SIL(1) doesn't want to spend money on dining out. SIL(2) made the "that's not a picnic" comment.

OP posts:
Cherrysherbet · 06/04/2023 12:16

We have an extended family picnic each summer and everyone brings for their own immediate family. Then sometimes we’ll bring things to pass round as well, like chocolate etc…

No way would I want to cater for everyone, or expect anyone else to.

TheaBrandt · 06/04/2023 12:17

Weird - are you their maid?

pippinsleftleg · 06/04/2023 12:17

so your in laws think you’re tha family slave?

That would be a big fat no from me!

KirstenBlest · 06/04/2023 12:17

ShirleyPhallus · 06/04/2023 12:12

I’d ask everyone to bring something - cold meat, hummous, bread, cheese, pastries, strawberries etc etc

trust that not everyone will bring the same but you could assign people items if you wanted

This is what we do. It's shared between everyone attending.
It's unfair to expect one person to do it all.

You need to learn that little No word, @moosmum21

Ktime · 06/04/2023 12:18

Why are you even entertaining this?

Why can't everyone make a dish to contribute to a pot luck e.g. potato salad, pasta salad, etc if they don't want a meal deal?

FatFucker · 06/04/2023 12:19

SILS can do one! CFs both of them!!

HelpsHeal · 06/04/2023 12:20

In every gathering like this I've ever been to either everyone brings a picnic for their imeadiate family or everyone brings something to share.

If there's an organiser, they might make suggestions on what each person brings so you don't end up with loads of sausage rolls etc.

No you can't do it for everyone.

Lakeyloo · 06/04/2023 12:20

Stick firm ! Personally I would rather take my own anyway

TicTac80 · 06/04/2023 12:20

I agree with the others. If you don't want to do it (and I bloody wouldn't!), say no and make it very clear! Also, you can't cater for x number of people if you don't know who/how many are coming. Just say no. Whenever I've been on picnics, each family group/friend always brings their own food. It's much easier, there's no "bill shock", and people know their family likes/dislikes, so less chance of faff or food wastage.

Xiaoxiong · 06/04/2023 12:21

I'd text back "happy with MIL's walk and bite to eat idea, or each family bringing their own picnic, just let me know what you decide!"

JassyRadlett · 06/04/2023 12:21

Yeah, absolutely not! They're trying to get a free, zero effort meal.

I'd just ignore MIL's suggestion and reply 'Looks like we've got two options, either everyone agrees to bring a dish for a picnic, or we go out to eat somewhere.'

Xiaoxiong · 06/04/2023 12:23

I wouldn't even entertain the "everyone bring a dish" idea if OP is the only one who cooks. It's likely she'll turn up with something amazing that everyone will scoff and they'll bring 2 greggs sausage rolls to go round 15 people.

Heronwatcher · 06/04/2023 12:24

No way! The basic issue is that your extended family apparently “want” a picnic but can’t be arsed to lift a finger to achieve this! I’d simply say “we will be in x park/ area from x time tomorrow, would be lovely to see you, you’re welcome to bring your own picnic to join us or there is a cafe at y and a shop at z.” Don’t get into spending loads of money and time when half the people won’t turn up and the others will then quibble about the money. If your MIL wants to arrange catering herself for all the others she knows where you’lol be.

Ktime · 06/04/2023 12:25

Xiaoxiong · 06/04/2023 12:23

I wouldn't even entertain the "everyone bring a dish" idea if OP is the only one who cooks. It's likely she'll turn up with something amazing that everyone will scoff and they'll bring 2 greggs sausage rolls to go round 15 people.

Good point!

HelpsHeal · 06/04/2023 12:25

If MIL's preference is to have a meal out and that suits you, I might be inclined to say something like

"As we don't seem to be able to organise the picnic together, shall we revert to plan A and find a restaurant?"

If SIL doesn't want that she needs to step up.

I think they'll all be surprised at the cost of providing a "nice" picnic and you'll have problems there, even if you were inclined to do it.

Thelastunicorns · 06/04/2023 12:26

YANBU. We do regular picnics with the in-laws - usually PIL, and DH’s siblings with their partners and children.

It’s so much easier for everyone to bring their own stuff, particularly with younger children. We also bring a few extra treats to share between the group, eg we might bring a cake, SIL might bring cheese & crackers etc, but generally everyone contributes equally.

Heronwatcher · 06/04/2023 12:26

Plus this is VERY VERY normal
amongst non CF people, if I was invited to a picnic I’d assume I’d be bringing my own food unless asked to do otherwise. I’d bring enough for my kids and me, plus maybe some bits to share around like crisps, mini rolls, fruit etc.

AdoraBell · 06/04/2023 12:27

Say you don’t have time to prepare food for everyone, you’ll do the food for your own family. Repeat like a broken record.

avocadotofu · 06/04/2023 12:28

People seriously can't sort their own food for a picnic? Seriously?! I would not agree to organise a picnic for everyone. If your MIL thinks it's a good idea why doesn't she sort it?

Maray1967 · 06/04/2023 12:31

Xiaoxiong · 06/04/2023 12:21

I'd text back "happy with MIL's walk and bite to eat idea, or each family bringing their own picnic, just let me know what you decide!"

Perfect response. No way would I be doing all this catering for the in-laws who volunteer me!!

avocadotofu · 06/04/2023 12:32

Xiaoxiong · 06/04/2023 12:21

I'd text back "happy with MIL's walk and bite to eat idea, or each family bringing their own picnic, just let me know what you decide!"

I'd go with this reply. I think you need to start saying no. And definitely don't feel bad about it, they sound ridiculous.

wantmorenow · 06/04/2023 12:33

This programme https://to-do.live.com/tasks/ says you can write a to do list and share. Maybe there are other easier apps that have this function too.

Share a list of things to bring and each member of family takes it as their to do item - everyone can see what's been agreed and no hidden surprises or miscommunication about who was supposed to bring crisps etc.

Either that or just say no - I would say no. You just can't argue with or please difficult CF people

Microsoft To Do

Microsoft To Do

https://to-do.live.com/tasks

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