To insist people bring their own food to a family picnic?

[moosmum21]

The extended family wants a picnic tomorrow, although half of the guest list is tentative. No one is willing to help buy or prepare anything for the picnic, so my MIL suggested that I prepare it, and we all split the bill equally.

Conscious that everyone is time and cash poor and not wanting to waste lots of food if half don’t show up, I suggested that we all prepare packed lunches for ourselves, which was met with a complaint: "That’s not a picnic; that’s a meal deal in a park”.
I know that if I were to prepare a picnic and split the cost of the ingredients equally amongst all the attendees as suggested, there would be bill shock and squabbling.
I could prepare the picnic and sink the cost, wholly or by charging a modest contribution fee. I enjoy cooking (no one else in the family does!), and we are moderately well off compared to the rest of the family – it’s not a huge imposition. But I don’t want to set up the expectation that I’ll just cater and pay for every barbecue, picnic, holiday, and party. I’m also still apparently holding a grudge over the Christmas cake incident (a family member stopped by when I was making a Christmas cake for my family, told me that she hoped I was making her one, and then insisted I’d have to make cakes for other family members, so they didn’t feel left out. She neglected to mention that no one in the family likes Christmas cake, so most of it was wasted!) AIBU to stick firm with the suggestion that we bring our own food? Or should I let go of the grudge, prepare a lovely picnic, and sink the cost so we can all have a peaceful day out?

They sound like really hard work. I’d just duck out of this one.
Or just say - oh sorry I’m not up for making all the food this time. Happy with eating out or bringing our own food or if someone else wants to make the picnic for everyone just let me know how much I owe you. Happy with any of these options. Just let me know xx

Or a bring and share if you can get everyone organised to bring something. Personally the do your own would be my favoured method.

No answer to your dilemma, OP, but I know your pain. I think this kind of thing happens to every woman cooks. I can, with effort, turn out a decent cake and would occasionally take one along when visiting family or friends for a birthday. Then people started inviting me to their birthday parties and asking if instead of a gift I could make a cake or two for them — one standard and the other usually vegan and gluten free. I finally had enough of it when someone who was turning 60 asked for four cakes to feed 60 people. I sent her an estimate for the work — something like £150. I didn't hear from her again. Hold your boundaries!

Why don’t you agree to prepare the two larger dishes for the group (if you enjoy cooking and have a little more money) and then message to say that you will be preparing x and y and then suggest someone bring a large mixed salad, someone else crusty bread, someone else cold drinks etc. that way it might seem less stressful and less expensive but still shared. I often do this for a shared event as we also have enough money and I don’t mind preparing but don’t want the stress of doing everything

Just say you’re not sure what would suit everyone and it’s too complicated with all the tentative attendees. Suggest everybody brings their own sandwiches and something to share. SIL doesn’t want to spend on having meal out and expects you to cater for her instead? Interesting

These women are def trying to take advantage of you, OP. Don’t let them.

I like @Xiaoxiong ’s suggestions from 12.21 and 12.23. The problem with suggesting that each family bring a contribution, as one ordinarily might, is that the SiLs sound like CFs and CFs frequently bring crap.

This "No one is willing to help buy or prepare anything for the picnic" jumps out at me OP.

What a lazy entitled bunch of oiks !

Tel MIL OP that it's 'bring & share' and give a time and a place. Then they can please themselves.

Tell MIL she cannot volunteer your services, and to do it herself

God. I couldn't be arsed with all that. It's normal these days for everyone to get stuff that they fancy and bring it along. We would just chuck it all in together and help ourselves. Why do some people make things so complicated.

Stick to it.

You sound like they think you are the family fool/mug.

Stand up for yourself or see a LOT less of them.

They sound awful.

Do assertiveness reading to help you.

They are taking the piss and obviously have you down as a soft tough(Christmas cake example)
Time to start putting your foot down and showing them you’re not the mug they think you are.

If you would like to prep the picnic then I would agree a set amount for everyone to pay beforehand and ask for it all to be transferred ahead of time. I would make it clear that if you don't pay, then you don't get to join.

You're under no obligation to do this though and YANBU to stick to your guns. MIL is a CF for volunteering your services.

Just do it. But make it clear that next time it's somebody else's turn.

So this conversation about providing food is all between you, your MIL and 2 x SIL. As usual, what are the fucking men doing or expected to do?

@moosmum21 Everyone makes their own packed lunch. It is going to be 12 degrees here tomorrow, so the chances of people pulling out at the last minute will be pretty high. Besides, if you make food for everyone you will be having to carry it all.

Just say "this doesn't work for me". End of.

I have never been on a picnic where I haven't taken my own food BTW. It is absolutely the norm to do so.

I've always taken my own picnic when we've gone for a picnic.

If someone chooses to take a meal deal that's their choice.

A catered for "picnic" is a buffet in an open space. Or an event you are invited to.

Plus I'd much rather take my own and know I'm getting stuff I like and want to eat!

Each to their own. Your MIL is hoping you will host everyone.

What about your DH? Have his arms fallen off?

Also good luck with a picnic tomorrow. The weather looks awful. Just cancel the whole thing.

I've had plenty of picnics that are meal deals in the park! We've also bought fish and chips and eaten them in the park or by the canal or river. Or bought food from a vendor in the park.

What they mean is that a picnic means you pay for it!

Do not do it. If they don't want to do like you've suggested then just go out with your own immediate family.

@moosmum21 what CFs.

I'd respond saying if they don't want to bring a picnic you're more than happy to go back to the original plan of a walk then going to to a pub or cafe to eat.

If you like cooking and WANT to do it all I'd message them all saying that you're happy to do the picnic and will be X per person. You need it by xpm tonight to go shopping for ingredients. If you haven't got the money you won't be able to buy the food so I guess they're going without!

I suggested that we all prepare packed lunches for ourselves, which was met with a complaint: "That’s not a picnic; that’s a meal deal in a park”.

Tell whoever said this to prepare the picnic!

Bizarre.

I’d say

Happy to get something to eat after a walk, but if everyone else wants a picnic then everyone needs to bring something to share. I’ll bring a roast chicken, a salad and a tub of potato salad, some brownies and a bottle of ginger beer. I suggest someone else could bring hummus & pitta bread & crisps, and a dessert, and someone else could bring tomatoes & cucumber, some fruit to share and a quiche.

I'd say, every family group brings enough food + drink to feed itself; and their own pocnic rug/blanket. The food is then communally offered so everyone gets a wider choice.

I have never been to a picnic where one person provided the food for everyone else. Every picnic we've been to, everyone brings their own food and maybe some food for everyone to share (but definitely not expected!). That way everyone can cater to their own tastes / dietary requirements / fussy eaters etc.
Do not get suckered into organising and providing everything for everyone.

I'm going against the grain I think but I love cooking and catering for people,(,sadly I don't have any family to do it for.)
So I would do it BUT only if they were appreciative, if half didn't turn up and/ or they were dismissive of the effort then a firm no and bring your own.

You say you like to cook, which I assume you’ve mentioned because, in theory you’d quite enjoy catering for the picnic, the issue is the cost and it becoming an expectation that you do this each time?

If so, I would tell them you’d be happy to do it, it will be £X per head and you’ll need the money transferred by Y o’clock so you know what you have to work with. Then see how that goes down. I think you’re wise to be wary of covering any of the cost yourself. That will just lead to expectations and then probably resentment if your circumstances change in the future.

I think asking for the commitment of money should help avoid the situation where you’re expected to get on with providing something people don’t actually want.

If you won’t enjoy catering for it, your suggestion that everyone brings their own is ideal. I understand the suggestion of some PP that people bring things to share, but if you think lots of people might not turn up then that approach risks a really unbalanced picnic.